Love, lost, and lust
by Thecricketsarecalling
Summary: Pam and Ryan make one mistake and it results in changing Ryan and Jim's life forever.
1. Chapter 1

_**Their blue eyes locked; suddenly it felt as if there wasn't any air left in the room. They stared at each other before he lowered his head, deeply sighing.**_

"_**I miss her…"**_

_**His voice choked out.**_

_**He reached over, touching his back. Fighting off his own tears. **_

"_**I know man, so don't I."**_

_**He lifted his head, his eyes bloodshot and worn from crying. They both stared at each other before that funny feeling came between them again. The same feeling that seemed to be happening more and more often now.**_

_**His mouth feeling dry, he lightly licked his lips before leaning forward. They were inches away from each other, slowly coming closer.**_

_**Just then thin cries came from the next room and both snapped out of it. Sitting up straight he cleared his throat while the other quickly wiped his eyes. Both got up and began heading down the hall.**_

_**2009.**_

"Well goodbye all! Today has been a success! We're gonna make it!"

Michael said before grinning.

"See you tomorrow!"

Michael shut the door and left Pam and Ryan alone in their small office space. Pam was finishing her last cup of champagne, which was one over her usual limit. Michael had swung by WallMart and bought a fifteen dollar bottle a few hours ago after Pam made her first sale. For the first time that week, this company somehow had a small ray of hope. Pam felt the happiest she had been in awhile.

Just then there was a knock on the door, Pam turned as Jim poked his head in.

"Hey Pam, can I talk to you for a second?"

Pam glanced at the clock, it a half an hour until they were going to leave. Smiling she walked over as Ryan kept his head buried his in laptop. Jim looked over at him and raised an eyebrow.

"Hey buddy, working hard?"

Ryan glanced over his shoulder and said nothing. Jim smiled before Pam met him in the doorway.

"What's up?"

"Can we talk outside for a second?"

"Yeah sure."

Pam shut the door behind them and both stood in the tiny hallway.

"Guess what?!"

Jim smiled.

"What?"

"I made my first sale!"

Jim looked surprised.

"Really?"

"Yeah it was amazing, this guy who came to the pancake breakfast ended up calling us back and you should have seen me…"

"So just one call today?"

"Yeah but…"

Jim nodded, giving his usual cocky look to her. Right away Pam felt her heart drop slightly. She honestly she felt he would be more excited for her.

"Hey listen, my brothers are coming to Scranton tonight. Their passing through and they wanted to meet me for drinks. Is it okay if I hang with them for awhile?"

"Yeah sure."

"Do you wanna come? I mean might be a good way to blow off steam."

Pam smiled.

"Naw I'm okay, besides I think I'm all ready a little drunk."

Pam giggled while Jim raised an eyebrow.

"Huh?"

"Yeah, Michael bought some champagne at the Golden Eagle, a little celebration for The Michael Scott Paper Company's first sale.'

Jim gave her a look.

"I wouldn't start celebrating that fast."

Pam was taken aback.

"Huh?"

"Well come on Pam, it was one sale. Are you okay to drive?"

Pam suddenly felt angry, she couldn't believe Jim was making her feel like this. Any joy she had over this afternoon was now gone.

"I'll get a ride…"

"And leave your car here?"

"Yeah I've done it before, what's your problem?"

Jim held his hands up in defense.

"Nothing, whoa…kinda snapping there Beesly huh?"

Pam rolled her eyes, turning to go back inside. She hated whenever Jim and here got into these stupid little fights. They weren't anything like Roy, but it still got to her. Jim reached out and touched her shoulder.

"Wait, Pam…"

Pam stopped, her eyes annoyed.

"What?"

"Listen I'm happy for you, it's just there's a lot going on upstairs and…well I don't want you to get your hopes up."

"Thanks for worrying…I'll see you tonight.

"Come on Pam wait!"

But Pam slammed the door behind her and locked it. Leaning against the door she shut her eyes and struggled to hold back tears. She was furious whenever Jim talked to her like she was a child. He had been giving her all these 'little speeches' this whole week since she quit upstairs. Opening her eyes, she took a deep breath and saw Ryan.

He was sitting at the table, an inhaler in his hands. Triggering it, he sucked in before sighing. Pam stood there slightly puzzled.

"What's that?"

Pam quickly wiped her eyes before walking over.

Ryan looked over, surprised.

"Oh it's my inhaler."

"Inhaler?"

"Yeah I have asthma, been acting up lately."

"Asthma?"

"Yeah, had it since I was a kid."

Pam walked over before taking a seat beside him, right away she looked down and sighed. Ryan studied her before reaching over and gently touching her arm.

Pam looked up.

"What's the matter?"

Pam couldn't believe he even asked. The last few days the two had barley been able to stand each other. In fact, she hated the person Ryan had become. She missed the old days when he was just a shy little temp that Michael had a crush on. Sure, she didn't know him that well…even back then, but there were a few memories both of them shared and she was sure would never repeat to anyone else. Ever since he was offered that job in New York he had changed. She hated how cocky he had become, and how rude he seemed acting as though he was above everyone else. Just a couple of months ago he returned, having been fired for fraud and drugs…still acting as if he was better than everyone else. She remembered how many times he annoyed her and how in the back of her mind she wondered where her co-worker and friend had gone.

But there had been so much going on she hardly had a chance to think. She was starting a new life with Jim, which at the moment she couldn't even think about.

Pam sighed deeply before rubbing her face.

"Oh nothing…"

Ryan shut his laptop and looked at her, suddenly the scent of clean soap and cologne overcame her. The past couple of days Pam had gotten used to the scent, along with the stuffy cold air the room brought…now it seemed almost pleasant.

"Come on something's wrong."

Pam looked up at Ryan's brilliant big blue eyes and remembered exactly how he looked the first day he walked into Dunder Mifflin. It was a boring early June afternoon and Pam had spent her morning sitting behind her desk and trying her hardest not to doze off. She remembered the door opening and seeing him walk in. He was dressed in black slacks and a long blue rain trench coat. His dark brown hair was such a shade it seemed almost yet black. His skin was flawless and creamy looking, and his eyes…

Her thoughts broke off staring up at him as she rested her head on the poker table they had been working at. Seeing him now with those dumb blond highlights she wondered yet again what happened to the young temp she had met that lazy early summer afternoon.

Pam remembered an hour ago when she was pouring herself champagne how she had offered it to Ryan. He simply shook his head and it dawned on her he was sober. In fact he had been sober ever since he came back…as far as she knew. Somehow that tiny little action of refusing the cup seemed very responsible to her.

Pam decided if she didn't get this off her chest it would just bother her all night. Sighing she looked at him and huffed, a tiny piece of fallen hair in front of her fell away. Ryan smiled before she sat up straight.

"It's nothing…kinda stupid."

"What?"

"Jim…I told him about making my first sale and he sorta blew it off, acting like it wasn't a big deal."

Ryan looked surprised.

"But it is a big deal."

Pam felt touched by this and smiled.

"Thanks…"

"Well come on. How long was I in sales and I didn't even make one. That was amazing today Pam…really."

"Thanks Ryan…"

Ryan shrugged before Pam went on.

"I know it isn't a big deal. I mean Jim has been so supportive and I know I'm complaining about nothing but…I don't know, I thought he would have been more excited."

"Don't let it bother you. I think it's amazing you did that today. Don't let anyone ruin it for you."

Pam just sat there, completely shocked by how Ryan was acting. It didn't seem like him.

Pam shrugged before a hiccup came up. Pam laughed before covering her mouth. Ryan smiled.

"Listen, I know this is lame but my mom is picking me up in a half an hour. Do you need a tide?"

"No, I'm okay…"

Ryan looked at her smiling before another hiccup came. Pam laughed before blushing.

"Yeah, maybe that might be good. You sure she won't mind?"

"No, not at all."

Pam smiled.

"Thanks Ryan, you're a good friend…"

Before she could say anything else, he kissed her.

_**2006 July. **_

Ryan walked into work feeling slightly depressed. Today was his twenty-sixth birthday and he never felt so horrible before in his entire life. He prayed it would be like last year and everyone would just forget it was his birthday so he didn't have to go through one of Michael's little birthday surprises like everyone else. Kelly had wanted to have a romantic dinner, but he had to say no, in fact he made her promise not to make a big deal about today or give him anything. Tonight he planned on getting a few drinks with his friends and then have dinner with his mother. It didn't seem, that crazy for a birthday but that's how he liked things. Sighing, he knew that before the summer he would have to break up with Kelly. He was extremely unhappy and what started off as a fling now seemed more like a nightmare. On top of that she had been bugging him about something called 'Diwali' which was coming up, and he still hadn't made a sale. In fact this entire year had been the longest of his life. Putting down his bag, he pulled back his chair before stopping.

There was a card on his desk. It was a dark blue and what white lettering on it which spelt out "Happy Birthday!"

Raising an eyebrow, he slowly sat down before opening it.

_Ryan,_

_It just dawned on me yesterday that last year we forgot your birthday! I feel horrible, there we were giving Meredith her "pre-birthday" and you didn't even say a word! I'm so sorry! Angela noticed this as well and yes Michael is planning on tackling you the second he walks through the door. Angela got you strawberry short cake? You like that night? I remember for Kevin's birthday we had that and I remember you saying something about how it was your favorite. Funny how you remember such stupid little things huh? Anywho get ready for a long embarrassing day of Michael trying to give you birthday kisses and Kevin making jokes about you blowing out the candles (fire guy!) jk lol! Anyways happy birthday Ryan, maybe soon we can grab drinks together and talk about how crazy this place is._

_Pam ps. Hope you like the drawing!_

Ryan grinned reading the little note, that's when the folded up piece of sketch paper fell out from the card. Picking it up and slowly unfolding it a smile appeared on his face.

It was a drawing of his dog Rusty. Ryan eyed the framed photograph he had on his desk of Rusty laying on his back porch and saw that Pam had sketched the same exact thing. In fact he was really impressed. Wondering how she found the time to do this, he looked up and saw Pam sitting behind her desk staring at her computer screen.

Man, she sure was pretty…

He smiled at her before Pam looked over and met his eyes. Right away she smiled before Ryan held up the sketch.

"Thanks Pam, it's awesome."

Pam smiled, her cheeks blushing before the front door crashed open. Michael stood there giving Ryan a creepy grin before dropping his suitcase. Right away Ryan looked over and gulped.

Michael smiled before opening his arms.

"HELLO BIRTHDAY BOY!"

As Michael went charging towards Ryan, Pam sat back watching slightly horrified and the same time amused.

This had been a long year, most of all with Jim now being gone.

A broken three year engagement, turning Jim away, and somehow seeing no future for herself at this lonely dull paper company. Sure she had plenty of laughs, but a slow depression had settled over her.

Lately she couldn't help but looking over at where Jim used to sit and see Ryan there and get the oddest feeling.

Just last month she was beginning to see how Ryan could never replace Jim and how maybe she had made a horrible mistake…still, she couldn't help but keep looking at him and wondering what he was really like.

Smiling, she sat back as Michael knocked Ryan and his chair over.

_**Present.**_

Pam pulled away, out of breath and completely unable to make the room stop spinning. She knew she wasn't drunk enough to have this happen, but for the couple of minutes they kissed she felt as if her heart was going to burst any second. Pulling away, both gasped for air. Ryan grabbed his inhaler and triggered it in his mouth before smiling. Pam pushed her hair away before seeing her ring. A horrible feeling overcame her.

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that."

The words echoed in her head like a church bell. Those were exactly the same words Jim had said to her on casino night.

Pam shook her head, her heart pounding in her chest. Her lips felt numb, she had never been kissed like that before.

"Ryan I can't do this…I'm engaged…"

She began to pull away when Ryan gently cupped her face, pulling her close. Pressing his forehead against hers, he breathed deeply before he kissed her again, their mouths opening slightly. When the kiss broke he looked at her.

"Pam…I'm so sorry."

Pam looked at him, confused.

"For what?"

"For being such a jerk…I'm so sorry…I'm such a loser."

Pam tried to pull back a little, she needed to get out of here.

"You're not a loser Ryan…"

"I am…I just needed to let you know I'm sorry."

Pam sat back, still taken aback by the kiss. Ryan then stared at her.

"Jim is a lucky guy…he should know that. I can't even tell you how many nights I laid awake in jail kicking myself for being such a jerk to you…"

Pam looked at him, she couldn't believe what he was saying.

"Really?"

Ryan nodded.

Pam reached over, touching the side of his smooth cheek. Looking into his eyes she sighed, suddenly feeling really sorry for him.

"Ryan, you made some mistakes…but you've changed. You're a good person now…but I can't do this. I love Jim…"

Ryan looked disappointed, in fact right away the look in his eyes broke her heart. Looking away, he turned his chair slightly, grabbing for his inhaler.

"Ryan please…"

She reached for him and saw for a split second what appeared to be tears building in his eyes. That's when everything broke down for her…she couldn't take it anymore. Turning his chair back to him, she smiled.

Ryan looked embarrassed and quickly wiped his eyes. Pam placed her hands on his arms before smiling.

"Fuck it."

Leaning forward, she kissed him again.

_**2005 August**_

Pam was upstairs checking the voice mails after the famous basketball game. Roy said he would come and pick her up in about ten minutes. Jim was still in his gym clothes, but was sitting on his desk. A client had called just a minute ago catching Jim right before he left for the day. Jim sat there before raising an eyebrow.

"My charts? Ummm hold on…no just a second…"

Jim put the phone down for a second before looking at Pam with helpless eyes.

"Pam?"

He loudly whispered to her. Pam looked up before Jim rolled his eyes.

"I think Kevin took my chart sheet into the bathroom before he left, would you mind grabbing it…"

Jim listened to the phone before nodding.

"Yes Mr. Clark, one second…no don't go one second…"

Pam smiled before going around her desk.

"Yeah hold on I'll check…"

Pam hurried into the staff kitchen, nearly knocking into Stanley before opening the men's room door.

That's when Pam stopped dead in her tracks.

Ryan stood there, his shirt off near the sink. Pam stood in the doorway staring like an idiot. Ryan right away looked over, his bangs falling in his face.

"Hey Pam."

Pam suddenly felt her throat become dry. It had only been two months since the temp had been working for them and she really hadn't paid him any further mind. Now here he was, his blue button up shirt and tie in his hands and completely shirtless. Staring at him she saw how smooth and pale he was, his stomach was perfectly flat and he seemed so…

Handsome?

Pam right away snapped out of it, embarrassed she was staring for so long. Blinking, she smiled before blushing.

"Ummm, have you seen Jim's chart folder, I think Kevin brought it in here…"

Ryan smiled before grabbing it off the counter.

"Yeah here…"

Handing them to her, Pam couldn't help but look at his chest. Just then she wondered how exactly he looked naked. They had to be around the same age, and she had noticed how big his eyes were…

That's when she smiled, quickly thanking him before leaving, wanting to slap herself for looking so stupid.

_**Present.**_

Pam snapped her eyes open before crying out. She was having the biggest orgasm in her entire life. It seemed so intense that she had to make a tight fist with her hand and bite down hard on her knuckles from crying out. She knew there were still plenty of people in the building and someone might think somebody was getting murdered.

Her entire body felt as if it was on pins and needles. Staring up at the ceiling, Pam's nails dug deeply into Ryan's arched shoulders. The two of them laying halfway against the poker table. Ryan's slacks were down around his ankles. Pam's dress slacks unbuttoned and thrown to the floor, her shirt opened revealing her bra. Pam's hair pooled around her and she saw they were right beside the phone, which was now off the hook.

Pam's mind was racing, she couldn't even think. Ryan raised his head, his face red as he tried to hold back. His dyed blond hair was now matted against his skull. Pam laid there, her back arching as he laid still inside of her for a moment. Making her squirm. Panting, Pam clung onto him.

"Don't…stop…"

She was able to say, feeling as if she was going to pass out at any second.

Ryan stared down at her and gave a dull thrust before taking hold of both of her wrists and raising them above her head on the table. Laying against her, squashing her breasts he began to thrust again, her legs spread on each side of him. Pam thrashed her head back and forth, this was the best sex she ever had.

A few minutes later…it was over.

They laid there for a while, in complete silent not saying anything. Ryan laid on top of her, still inside of her with his head resting against her breasts. Pam laid there, completely exhausted before the reality of what happened hit her like a pile of bricks.

"Oh my God…what have I done?"

Ryan lifted his head and looked at her. Right away Pam burst into tears.

_**2005 October.**_

Dwight and Michael were on what seemed like the 10000th verse of "Ryan started the fire". Pam sighed before eyeing Ryan's tiny blue car in the parking-lot.

Today had been one interesting day.

Feeling embarrassed for him, Pam felt her circle of friends trying to push away that nasty jealous feeling she had with Kathy and Jim. Strolling over, she shuffled her feet before smiling as she approached him.

"Hey you."

Ryan turned, he had been leaning up against his car. His head lowered and his hands stuffed in his pockets.

Ryan looked up.

"Hi Pam."

Pam eyed the office building just as the fire truck finally pulled out of the parking-lot. They were informed there was no damage and that the place just needed to be aired out. Everyone was planning on going home early.

Pam glanced over her shoulder watching Dwight still dancing with the burnt pita. Shaking her head, she sometimes became really annoyed with them. Feeling sorry for Ryan she smiled.

"You okay?"

Ryan sighed before looking at the building.

"I've been better…"

Pam smiled before leaning against her own car that was parked beside his.

"Don't worry about them, in a couple of days everyone will forget about it."

Ryan looked at her.

"Pam I almost burned down the building…and worse I have a nickname now."

Pam smiled.

"Come on, it could be worse. They could keep calling you temp."

Ryan smirked before shaking his head.

"I feel so stupid…"

Pam waved her hand.

"Please, you should have been here two years ago when I flooded the staff kitchen."

Ryan's eyes widened before laughing.

"You did what?!"

Pam nodded before smiling, crossing her arms.

"Oh yeah, a bracelet of mine fell down the drain of the sink and an hour or so later the sink started going crazy…water was everywhere and the floor was ruined!"

Ryan laughed.

"No way!"

"Yep, Roy had to pay for them to redo the floors which he wasn't that happy about. Michael of course teased me and so didn't the others…saying some very inappropriate things but time went by and everyone got over it. Don't worry okay."

Ryan smiled.

"Thanks Pam…"

Pam smiled before Roy called her over, he was getting ready to leave. Smiling, she tapped him a wink.

"See you around Ryan."

Ryan smiled waving and watched her go, feeling as if she was the only person who understood him.

_**Present.**_

Pam buttoned up her blouse before patting down her hair and sniffling in. Wiping her eyes quickly she grabbed her purse. She felt sick to her stomach.

Ryan zipped up his slacks quickly, his shirt untucked. Looking at her he sighed.

"Pam?"

Pam couldn't look at him, instead she began to hurry towards the door.

"Pam wait, my mom can drive you home…"

Pam pushed past him and fumbled for the lock.

"No thanks, I'm okay to drive now…"

Her words were slightly broken as she tried to hurry. Ryan watched her before she left, hurrying down the stairs and towards the parking-lot. She felt as if she couldn't breathe.

Running to her car, she grabbed her keys and nearly dropped her purse before getting inside and slamming the door behind her. Right away she burst into tears, lowering her head.

A few minutes later Ryan walked out, putting his sunglasses on and saw her car was gone. Sighing, he shook his head and saw his mom's car waiting. Walking towards it, he got inside and his mom smiled.

"Hi hon, how was your day?'

Ryan tried to smile but couldn't.

"It was good, we made our first sale."

Ryan's mother's face lit up before she leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.

"That's wonderful!"

Ryan tried to smile.

"Yeah it was…"

Ryan's mother began to drive out of the parking-lot while Ryan stared out the window. He felt horrible and knew he had ruined things.

"That girl, the redhead you work with?"

Ryan looked.

"Pam yeah?"

"She seemed upset, I saw her run to her car crying…did something happen?"

Ryan now really felt horrible, hoping his mother didn't hear it in his voice he shrugged.

"No, maybe she had a fight with her boyfriend or something…I didn't see her."

"Pretty girl, real shame…seemed upset."

Ryan sighed, leaning against the door.

He had really fucked up.

Shutting his eyes, he knew he needed to talk to her.


	2. Chapter 2

Ryan was sitting on the living room couch in his mother's house that night dressed in sweats and an old sports jersey of his. Watching mindless television, he petted Rusty who was sprawled out across his lap. Staring blankly at the television, his thoughts drifted back to earlier that afternoon and a horrible feeling settled in the pit of his stomach. His fingers going through Rusty's short fur, he stared down at his sleeping dog that he had owned since senior year of high school and felt suddenly very depressed. His mother was all ready upstairs asleep, she had been more than helpful and understanding after all the trouble he caused earlier that year. He knew he was disappointed, but she had taken him back home without any second thoughts. Her biggest concern was getting him sober. The spring before he returned to Dunder Mifflin she had forced him to go into a rehab just outside of New York. Thinking back on those four weeks of hell made him sick. Looking at himself he really couldn't believe so much had changed just within a year.

He was the youngest VP in the history of Dunder Mifflin. He was successful, ahead of the game, and for the first time in his life people looked up to him. He remembered the wonderful feeling he had the moment he left his boring life at Dunder Mifflin and first saw the skyscrapers peek over the skyline as he entered the city limits.

Business meetings, pricy suits and cologne, expensive dinners, nightclubs, and women. Once the drugs became involved it all began becoming a blur. Within months things were falling apart in front of him and slipping through his fingers. The website was causing problems, David Wallace was on his back, and for some strange reason he couldn't escape Scranton no matter how much he tried. Soon he found himself trying to cover his tracks, cheating in order to get money, pretend sales, and act as if everything was still perfectly fine. The money was beginning to slip, and the drugs were all ready building.

Finally, the music stopped.

He had been terrified.

He was charged with fraud and drug possession on the company's behalf. His poor mother, who had worked six days a week ever since his father past away when he was ten had to be woken up one morning by him, crying and still drugged out asking for her to come to New York and bail him out.

He was so embarrassed he wanted to die.

The trial happened a week later, he was fired of course and sentenced to nearly 400 hours of public service. By then he saw the video on Youtube, it was taken by one of his co-workers on his cell phone. Wanting to die, he honestly didn't know where else to go.

His mother came to his apartment, which he knew he could no longer afford and talked to him straight. His whole life, ever since his father died she had always seemed to baby him. She often reminded him that he was all she had left, and that if anything ever happened to him she wouldn't forgive herself. That overcast afternoon in his apartment she talked to him for the first time in what seemed like forever as an adult.

She told him he messed up, and that was of course in the past, how he needed to come back home no matter how much he didn't want to and get himself cleaned up. After that she would contact the temp agency and try to find a job for him.

Ryan tried telling her nobody would ever hire him again but she didn't listen. Instead she got him checked into a rehab program and began his journey on getting sober.

For Ryan that was the lowest time in his life.

Some nights he would get the shakes so bad he would have to go downstairs and make himself a pot of coffee and stay up until dawn. Often he would get sick to his stomach and get the urge for a hit so bad he thought he might die.

Instead, he kept slowly taking it one day at a time. Along with a coke, he had also became fond of speed. By the time he was recovering and doing his hours, he had lost a total of twenty pounds and looked a mess.

When his lease came up in his apartment he returned to New York one last time, feeling a heavy weight in his chest. That's when he received a call from Michael…

At first he was furious at his mother for calling him up in the agency without him knowing. Hearing Michael's voice over the line sent back so many horrible memories he didn't think he could stand it.

That's when Michael told him there was a temp position open if he was interested, same pay and of course same hours.

Shutting his eyes, Ryan honestly didn't know if his pride could take it. He knew exactly how he had acted, and having to return from being the youngest VP in Dunder Mifflin history to back as the awkward shy little temp seemed too much. But looking around his small little apartment, he knew he had to listen to his mother and stop living in the past. His life here was over, he had to start over…at least one day at a time.

Sighing, he told Michael yes of course he was interested. Michael began to cheer over the line that even made Ryan slightly smirk at before resting the phone between his ear and shoulder. That's when Michael asked if he needed help moving.

Now here he was, going on a year later. A lot had changed, while a lot had stayed the same. He knew even though he went back to being a temp he still acted like a jerk in as a defense shield to himself. He hated the looks and stared he got when he came back that day last summer, putting his headset on and feeling like the biggest loser ever. There were jokes, comments, and Jim and Kevin made him feel like he wanted to die. He became wrapped up with more Kelly drama, and finally he saw his chance to escape. He was falling into a horrible depression and saw he was on the verge of relapsing soon.

A few friends of his, mostly cousins were going down to Florida. His second cousin Dale was also going through a drug problem and had called him up a few weeks before hand telling him about the amazing rehab program they had going on. Thinking about it, he really didn't know if running away would solve any of his problems.

Talking it over with his mother, he told her about the rehab and both looked at it together online. It seemed nice enough and took a couple of months depending on the person. Looking at him, his mother smiled before cupping her hand and feeling the side of his face.

"I think getting away might do you some good."

So he left, and lied of course making sure nobody knew where or why he was going.

Florida was amazing, five of them in total went. Dale and him checked into the rehab the moment the plane landed. There Ryan finally found himself able to relax. He made friends quickly and was slowly starting to find the strength to really face his fears and put all those bad memories past him.

Dale and himself left rehab a month later and enjoyed the last few weeks on the beach. They flirted with girls, went out to dinner, and even surfed. One night both thought it would be funny if they bleached their hair since nearly everyone on the beach looked exactly the same. Dale nearly past out from laughing so hard when he saw Ryan's hair once it was dried.

"Nice hair Ponyboy."

Dale laughed before wiping tears from his eyes. Ryan smirked before looking at his reflection and smiled. He kinda liked it, he didn't look like himself anymore…which honestly wasn't a bad thing.

A few days before he was supposed to leave, he found himself sitting on one of the beaches watching the sunset. The sky a beautiful fire red color. Hearing the surf he sat back in the sugar colored sand and smiled.

He was ready to go back, even if he never saw Dunder Mifflin again.

Sitting there, he ran his finger through the sand before Pam suddenly came to mind. He remembered her pale, yet beautiful skin, her red hair, her smile, her gray eyes…

He snapped himself out of those thoughts, why he even had them to begin with confused him. Instead he decided that whatever happened once he came back home, he would try to make things right for once.

When he did return, he decided he wasn't going back to Dunder Mifflin. Sober, and feeling much better about himself he told his mother he was planning on getting a little part-time job before saving up to start taking business classes again. He didn't know if it would do much good, he knew he had to try.

Within a few weeks he was working at the bowling alley. Still kinda depressed, he worked his hours, got yelled at by his manager, and began getting sick at the sight of bowling shoes. But week after week he would put half of his paycheck away, knowing if he saved fast enough he would be out of here soon.

Then Michael came…

He knew he was stupid, and too much of a risk, but somehow seeing Michael and Pam together he remembered the very few good memories he had back at Dunder Mifflin and suddenly felt guilty at all the times he treated the two of them so badly. Seeing that Michael was giving him a second chance he took it.

Now here he was.

Shutting his eyes, he remembered how wonderful it felt to sink into Pam, feeling warmth and a tightness he had never felt in his life. He remembered how the room seemed to be spinning, and how even though he had been sober for months now, he felt as though he was completely high. How suddenly those few private memories they had shared through the few years they had worked together seemed to finally catch up with them. His small crush on her was now a reality and how he had never honestly ever felt so amazing in his entire life.

His back had scratch marks on it from her nails, he had checked in the bathroom while he was changing tonight.

He didn't regret what he did, but he knew she did. Everything had happened so fast, and here was the result. He wouldn't be surprised if she didn't show up tomorrow or if Jim was waiting for him with a baseball bat.

Sighing, he knew he had to talk to her about what had happened…

_**2005**_

"This is the best Dundies ever!"

Pam laughed before finishing her seventh drink. Jim smirked at her from the table before Pam slid off the stood and tried to stand up straight before giggling. Michael was wearing Ray-Bands and singing "She blinded me with science". Kevin and Creed were swaying back and forth with their hands raised while everyone else rolled their eyes and finished their meals and drinks.

Pam was enjoying her night and had drank away all her problems, most of them dealing with Roy.

Jim smiled watching her.

"You okay there chief?"

Pam made a face at him.

"I'm perfectly fine, now if you excuse me I need to go use the little girl's room."

Jim laughed as she almost stumbled before walking down the small hallway towards the door that lead to the rest rooms. Pushing it open, the loud music was muffled and the air was turned on higher. Feeling the coolness even in early September felt amazing. Pam leaned against the wall, shutting her eyes for a second before smiling.

Opening them, she saw the emergency exit and the men and ladies room a little further down.

That's when she saw Ryan.

He was leaning against the wall with his cell phone near the men's room texting. The second he heard her come in, he raised his head and looked at her.

"Hey Pam."

Pam held onto the wall as she began walking towards him.

"Hey Ryan, what's up?"

Ryan smiled before tucking his cell phone into his pants' pocket. That's when Pam noticed the Dundie award near his feet. Bursting out laughing, she stumbled over and picked it up before reading "Hottest in the office award!" Smiling, she looked at him and saw he was blushing.

"I can't believe Michael gave you this!"

Ryan tried to smile, looking very embarrassed.

"Yeah, I'm starting to think maybe Michael might have a little crush on me."

Pam began laughing again, the drinks had really gotten to her.

"Yeah well I wouldn't blame him."

Ryan's face turned an even darker shade of red before he nervously smiled and tried looking at the floor. Pam laughed before dropping the Dundie to the floor, it clinked beside their feet and surprising enough didn't break.

That's when she threw her arms around him and kissed him right on the lips.

Ryan's eyes widened as Pam slammed him up against the wall, her lips moving roughly against his.

Then she pulled away smiling. Ryan, completely out of breath stared at her shocked before Pam smiled and began laughing.

"I'm so drunk…I…need to go to the bathroom…"

She mumbled before giggling and went right into the ladies room. Ryan stood there completely stunned before his fingers went up and touched his lips. Taking his inhaler out, he gave it a good pump before catching his breath.

He barely knew Pam, in fact he had just started working at the office this past summer. Standing there, he blinked before bending down and picking up his office award. Looking at the ladies room door he knew she was just drunk, earlier he had watched her kiss Jim. Taking a deep breath he simply smiled, shook his head, and walked out back to the madness.

_**Present.**_

Ryan found himself still sitting on the couch thinking of how exactly he ended up here and worrying about how Pam would even be able to face him the next day. Rusty was still sleeping on his lap, and some late night sketch show had just started.

That's when his cell phone that sat on the coffee table in front of him rang. Ryan jumped for a second, laughing at how on edge he was and grabbed to pick it up, praying it wasn't Kelly trying yet again to have them meet up for drinks.

That was a relationship and a mistake he never wanted to go back to.

Flipping it open he laid back, one hand still petting Rusty.

"Hello?"

There was silence on the other end for a moment, then finally with great struggle he heard her voice.

"Ryan?"

Ryan sat up straight, stirring Rusty who stretched and then jumped off the couch, heading towards the kitchen for some water. Ryan fumbled for the remote and turned the volume down all the way.

"Pam, ummm…"

"Ryan I'm parked outside, would you come out?"

Ryan eyed the drawn curtains before gulping. He honestly didn't know if he could do this. Nodding he brushed a few fallen pieces of his blond hair away from his face.

"Ummm, yeah sure hold on."

He stumbled over his words before shutting his cell. Staring at it in disbelief he honestly didn't know what she was going to say. Standing up, he quickly checked himself in the mirror that hung across the room before heading for the door and going outside.

_**2005.**_

It was December 23rd and Pam was sitting in the circle for secret Santa. Sitting beside Ryan he had just received the very pricy video I-pod that had raised some eyebrows. Everyone sat in awkward silence since Michael ran out after receiving Phyllis' oven mitt. Pam had her teapot still in its box by her feet. She was touched Jim had put so much thought into her gift.

"I would be creped out by this but I really have to hand it to Michael, this is pretty awesome."

Ryan softly said, looking over the package. Everyone was softly talking while Phyllis had her head lowered across from them. Pam looked over at Ryan and smiled. He had really been pulling his weight today, even though he was extremely uncomfortable. Earlier when the party planning committee was in the meeting room going over plans, Angela asked Ryan's thoughts on which lights should have been used on the tree. Ryan looked around before shrugging.

"My family never puts a tree up."

Angela raised an eyebrow.

"What you don't celebrate Christmas?"

"Well I do…sort of, but I'm Jewish."

Pam looked up before smiling while Angela rolled her eyes.

"Great, that's just great."

Ryan looked at her.

"But Angela, wasn't Jesus Jewish?"

Angela glared at him before Ryan held back a smile and looked across at Pam who was trying to muffle her giggles with the back of her hand.

Now here they were, sitting beside each other while Ryan looked over the I-pod package. Pam smiled pointing to it.

"He got you the most gigs to, he must really like you."

Ryan made a face making Pam laugh while Jim looked up, slightly puzzled.

That night, after the horrible Yankee Swap Pam sat in the meeting room enjoying looking through the teapot she had traded with Dwight. Looking at all the personal and inside jokes she had shared with Jim over the last couple of years she couldn't help but feel flutters in her stomach that made her smile.

"How do I look?"

Pam was taken away from her thoughts as she looked over and saw Ryan standing in the doorway wearing Creed's old shirt, which seemed to fit him perfectly. Christmas hip-hop music played outside in the office as everyone happily stood around, drunk and completely forgetting the disaster Michael had caused when he ruined secret Santa. Pam right away began cracking up.

"Oh my God! How did you get that?"

Ryan did a little turn modeling it for him.

"A little trading and I got the one thing I wanted more than the I-pod."

Pam laughed while making a face, pouting her lips.

"Awww, poor Ryan."

Ryan smiled walking over, a drink in his hand.

"You should feel bad after taking away that from me. I earned it."

"Oh how's that?"

"Having Michael stare at me for the last seven months."

Pam giggled before setting down her gift.

"So looks like things are getting a little crazy.

Ryan eyed the open doorway just as Jim was spraying silly string all over Todd Packer who was fast asleep and covered in Christmas decorations. Ryan smirked before walking over.

"Ended up trading with Dwight?"

Pam smiled looking down at the teapot.

"Yeah, kinda sad he was the one who ended up with the I-pod."

Ryan looked through the window and saw Dwight still with his elf ears listening to the I-pod with a very moody look on his face. Laughing, Ryan shook his head before sitting down beside Pam.

"So what are your plans this Christmas?"

Pam shrugged, knowing Roy was in the staff kitchen with Daryl and finishing his seventh drink. Tonight she wasn't drinking since she wanted at least one person sober while they were driving back home in the snow.

"I'm spending Christmas with Roy's mother's, Roy's brother has some snowmobiles so we're planning on taking them on some trails up North. You?"

"Going to my mother's, then just hanging out…nothing special."

"Do you even celebrate Christmas?"

'Sort of, my mother is Jewish, my father wasn't. He used to make a big deal about the holidays but after he died we really don't bother. I usually just end up going drinking with a couple of my friends, nothing special."

Pam sighed looking at him, it seemed every once in a while she would notice for a young guy he was really striking. Not typically handsome, but striking. His skin was flawless, his big blue eyes sparking, and his wavy dark hair always falling to the side. Just a couple of months ago he had gotten it cut shorter which somehow made his boyish looks now look more mature and classically handsome. Once in a while she would notice herself staring at him from across the office, she would stare at him sitting at his desk and smile at how busy he always seemed to look.

She enjoyed, yet felt horrible whenever seeing how badly he was treated by Michael. She was of course amused by how creepy he acted towards him, but hated that people still referred to him as "The temp". Ryan was a nice enough guy, she just hadn't really gotten the chance to really know him yet.

The two talked for a little while, all alone and making each other laugh as the party slowly began to die down. Finally Roy poked his head in telling Pam everyone was heading to Poor Richard's. Then he looked at Ryan.

"Hey man, mind helping me with Packer, he's totally wasted."

Ryan smiled as he pulled off Creed's shirt.

"Yeah sure."

Roy went back as everyone began getting their coats and began getting ready to leave. Pam looked over her shoulder and saw Jim was just beginning to grab his bag. Getting up she smiled watching Ryan stuff the shirt into the plastic bag.

Pam knew this meant another two or so hours at Poor Richard's, having to finally drag Roy back to the car before suddenly pulling over so he could throw up. Sighing at this thought she followed the others out.

Once inside in the parking-lot, and her teapot safely put away in the car Pam buttoned his coat up tight and stared up at the sparking falling snow flakes falling. For the first time since she was a little girl she felt a sort of unspoken happiness that came just by looking at the snow. For a brief second snow wasn't a complete pain in the ass that it had turned into in Scranton, but just now something beautiful..

Just then Pam felt something hit her, breaking away from her thoughts she looked over and smiled.

Ryan was wearing his black pea coat and had rolled up a snowball and hit her. He was standing by his car while everyone gathered into different cars. Laughing, she tossed a piece of her hair behind her ear before smiling.

"Oh yeah! That's all you got!"

Bending down, she made her gloves quickly made a sloppy looking snowball before throwing it as hard as she could. It flew across and barely hit Ryan in the leg. Laughing he began to make another one as Jim began getting into his own car. He was car pooling with Oscar and Kevin. Watching Pam laugh, snow catching in her hair she looked beautiful.

Ryan's snowball hit Pam square in the chest, laughing as hard as she could she bent down and made another one. This time it hit Ryan in the shoulder, snow puffing on his coat.

The two kept laughing before Roy nearly stumbled over with Daryl by his side. Both froze before raising an eyebrow and watching Ryan and Pam. The second Pam saw this the smile died from her face as she dropped the third snowball she as planning on making.

"You ready babe?"

Pam, slightly embarrassed nodded before going around to the driver's side as they began to get in. Right before opening the door, Pam looked over and saw Ryan dusting off his coat before unlocking his own car. For a split second he glanced up and both locked eyes.

Ryan smirked before sticking his tongue out at her. Pam laughed before rolling her eyes and getting into the car. Starting the engine, she found it funny that she couldn't wait to sit beside him and laugh once they got to the bar.

_**Present.**_

Ryan grabbed his black hoddie even though it had been staying warm most nights. Zipping it up, he shoved his hands into his pockets before heading down the front steps of his house. Crickets chirped in the bushes and the sky looked a perfect velvet black.

He saw Pam's car parked in the driveway and right away felt a horrible lump in his throat. Trying to shake the nervous feeling away he heard his sneakers click against the pavement before stopping at her car. He watched her inside reach over and open the door for him to get inside. Sighing, he got in right away smelling the fresh fruity scent of her air fresher and sat down in the passenger seat. Shutting the door, he looked over at her and the silence made him feel as though he might go crazy.

Looking at her he couldn't believe it.

Just a few hours earlier the two had made love. For a brief second Ryan remembered every single detail. How his entire body felt as if they were on pinpricks. How warm and comforting she felt, and now there were now long tiny scratch marks on his back from her nails.

He couldn't believe it.

She was dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt, her hair tied back tight in a ponytail. She stared ahead and at first Ryan didn't know if he should be the first to say something. Finally, Pam looked at him, her eyes exhausted.

"I made a mistake."

The words seemed to echo through in Ryan's head. He knew better and looked down at his hands before nodding.

"Yeah…I know."

"Ryan, I don't want you to think I'm a bad person. For the longest time I had pretended I was happy with Roy, stayed in the shadows and put others before myself…I felt trapped. Then finally I saw my second chance with Jim…I love Jim Ryan, I don't ever want you to think I didn't."

"Then why?"

Pam bit her bottom lip, almost in deep thought.

"I don't know. Maybe because I couldn't believe how perfect things were. Sure there's some rough patches, and lately this has been one of them…but I would rather die than hurt Jim. He's made me believe in myself, I can see a future with him."

"Then what about today?"

Pam looked at him, almost as if she was in pain.

"I just lost control. I can't explain it. Ryan I've always liked you but after you went to New York you changed. You became a different person, and I know you're trying but I've seen what you really can be. I hope to be friends with you again, most of all with the two of us following Michael like this. But with everything that's happened between the two of us, most of all today…I don't want to give you the wrong idea."

Ryan rubbed his face, he felt sick.

"Pam, I wouldn't call that losing control…I mean all those other times…"

"Were nothing. I never looked at you like that. I'm so sorry Ryan but if I lost Jim I honestly don't know what I would do. I love him so much and I have to live the rest of my life with the guilt if what we did."

"So what did you come here, other than telling me it was a mistake?"

Pam looked at him as if she was struggling with what she had to say next. That's when Ryan knew, nodding he sighed.

"Oh, I know. You wanted to make sure I would never tell. Don't worry Pam, your secret is safe."

Pam's eyes then welled up with tears.

"I'm so sorry Ryan! I'm just so confused and I feel so sick. Please…"

Ryan reached over, touching her face for a second, cupping it slightly.

"Do you want me to call Michael and quit?"

"Do you want me to?"

Ryan shook his head.

"It shouldn't be weird. It's just something that happened. Trust me I know all about mistakes. Nobody ever has to know…"

Pam softly began weeping. Ryan watched her before taking a deep breath.

"I promise I'll never tell. I'm just trying to start things over Pam. I like you a lot though Pam, I meant the things I said. But I understand you don't feel the same way. Jim is a good guy, I know he would never hurt you."

Pam looked at him, her eyes glittering with tears.

"Maybe if things were different…"

Ryan shook his head.

"I know, I know. Listen, stop being upset. Everyone makes mistakes and I know you would never want to hurt Jim. Just go home and forget about it…"

"How can I?"

"You can, trust me I've made it a habit of forgetting mistakes. We'll see each other at work and just pretend as if nothing happened. We'll go back to being annoyed with each other."

Pam smiled through her tears.

"I'm sorry again Ryan."

Ryan leaned over, gently kissing her cheek.

"See you at work?"

Pam nodded trying to smile. Ryan nodded before getting out of the car. Shoving his hands back in his pockets he headed back to the house, tears building in his own eyes and feeling grateful that his back was facing Pam. Hearing her car backup, he quickly went up the stairs before wiping his eyes.

_**Later that night…**_

Pam laid awake in her bed, staring up at the ceiling and feeling sick to her stomach.

How could she even face Jim?

When she got home she took a long hot shower, nearly scrubbing her skin off, wanting to make sure Jim would never know what she had done. She honestly didn't know what was wrong with her? Was she an idiot? Here after all these years of heartbreak she had found her soul mate and what did she do? One little argument she turned her back and fucked the biggest jerk she knew?

She prayed Ryan was right about keeping his mouth shut, she knew if Jim ever found out it would break his heart.

That's when the door open and her heart caught in her chest. Jim walked in grinning ear to ear, happily drink and looking very tried. Tossing his suit jacket to the side, he smiled before unbuttoning his shirt.

"Hey Pam."

Pam nervously smiled looking at him.

"Have fun with your brothers?"

Jim nodded before laughing. Kicking off his shoes, he crawled into bed. Pam had never felt so nervous before in her life. Holding back tears, she watched him as he crawled over and felt like a monster knowing what she did.

Kissing her forehead, he laid beside her.

"I'm sorry Pam about today. I acted like a jerk…"

Pam snuggled up close to him and clutching into him for dear life. Nearly burying her head against his chest, she smiled before sniffling away her tears.

"Don't ever feel sorry…I love you Jim. I love you so much…"

Jim raised an eyebrow smirking before wrapping his arms around her.

"I love you to Beesly."

Kissing his chest, Pam held onto him tighter before shutting her eyes and slipping away.

_**Five hours later…**_

"Pam wake up."

Pam's eyes fluttered open, half awake before Jim, who's hair was sticking up handed her the cell phone. Right away the reality hit her all over again and Pam felt her stomach toss, for just a few hours she had forgotten the terrible thing she had done.

Blinking, she looked at the clock.

It was almost four in the morning.

"Who is it?"

"Sounds like Michael…"

Jim said in a sleepy voice before giving her the phone. Pam took it before clearing her throat.

"Hello?"

"GOOD MORNING PAM!"

Pam held back the cell before shaking her head. Michael's voice this early was a bit too much."

"Come outside I have something to show you!"

"Wait? Your outside right now?"

"Come on Pam your gonna love it!"

Pam hung up the phone before shaking her head. It was way too early for this. Glancing over, Jim was all ready fast asleep again. Smiling, she rubbed his side before slipping out of bed and grabbing her light jacket.

_**Outside…**_

Pam stopped dead in her tracks.

Parked outside was a horrible ugly van. Michael was jumping up and down as Ryan leaned against it.

Pam slowly walked over.

"What the hell is this?"

"Our new delivery truck! I just got it tonight!"

Pam looked at the Japanese writing on it and raised an eyebrow before Ryan smirked.

"It was either this or an old school bus that an owl was living in."

Pam stared at him, it all seemed too soon after what happened. Flashes of them laying on the poker table went through her mind. Taking a deep breath, she shoved these thoughts away.

Smiling, she stood beside him as Michael showed off the new van.


	3. Chapter 3

_**One month later.**_

Things had gotten better.

Well sorta...

The following day after Pam and Ryan made their mistake, they both showed up together in that small cramped room the next morning as Michael was admitting that he had gotten Dwight to feed him info from upstairs with past clients. Ryan and Pam exchanged amused looks before taking a seat.

Almost at the exact time they both froze.

This was where they had done it, on this same exact table. Pam sat down slowly, keeping her eyes on the framed photograph of Jim and tried to get herself under control. They had promised each other it was simply a stupid mistake, and they weren't going to ruin things because of it. Her thoughts went back to the following night when they stood together outside as Michael showed them the crummy looking van. At one point Pam looked over at Ryan who was smiling. Tapping her a wink, she somehow knew things were going to be okay. When she finally got back inside, Jim was still sleeping. Crawling up beside him, she wrapped her arms around his sleeping body and kept praying to herself that she hadn't wrecked her now nearly perfect life.

The next morning she woke up still feeling extremely uneasy. When she shuffled out to the kitchen Jim had made breakfast and looked extremely cute as he sung to himself while pouring them coffee. Turning he smiled, the early morning light blighting up the kitchen.

"Good morning Beesly."

Leaning over, he pecked her on the cheek. Pam smiled before knowing everything was okay. He didn't know, and she planned on him never finding out.

Now here they were, less than twenty-four hours later.

Michael sat down behind his desk, all ready filling them in on if he got three more clients by the end of the week they would start doing early morning deliveries together. Pam and Ryan exchanged a look before smiling.

So they went back to work as if nothing had happened…

Once more twice, on both their counts while the dull afternoon wore on the two of them would happen to look up and stare at each other. Quickly they would drop their eyes and return back to work. Pam noticed Ryan was being better about sharing the laptop, and at one point during the day as he slid it over his arm brushed up against her breast. Sucking in a quick breath he quickly dropped his hands and blushed madly before turning his attention back to the paperwork laying in front of him. Pam sat there, taking a deep breath before pretending it had never happened.

Lunch came and Michael and them sat outside and shared a pizza, celebrating the fact Michael had gotten two old Dunder Mifflin clients. The entire time they talked and laugh, and acting as if nothing was wrong.

By the end of the day both were in good moods. Michael was putting on his coat before wishing them a good night. Right as Pam left to meet Jim upstairs she caught Ryan's eyes and suddenly felt very guilty.

She hated herself for what she did.

But time went on.

Within two weeks Dunder Mifflin bought out The Michael Scott Paper Company.

Those few hours before it happened Pam felt extremely depressed. It seemed as if all of this had been for nothing. The thought of losing his job was really making things come in focus for her, and the guilt she had been carrying since that fateful afternoon was beginning to weigh down on her.

Jim had been working extra hard and the two of them were trying everything to save up money for the wedding. Now sitting there, it all seemed like a waste. Almost every time Jim touched her or kissed her she felt tense. She couldn't get that afternoon out of her head. It felt worse whenever she was around Ryan. She felt as if she couldn't breathe.

What had she done?

Ryan had admitted that he had lied about his trip, and Pam had told the truth of how she was trying to save extra money for the wedding. When both sat on the rug in-between Michael they stared at each other and perfectly understood what they were feeling.

They felt as if they were losing control.

Then they were hired back upstairs.

Without Pam's knowledge though, Ryan had done something,

While Michael was trying to make his hard decision about who he could hire in sales, Ryan paid him a little visit in his office after pretending he wanted it just as bad as Pam during an interview they had together. He hoped if Michael did listen to him, Pam wouldn't ever know he had something to do with it.

"Michael?"

Michael looked up.

"Ryan! My good friend and follower Ryan! How are you?"

Ryan shut the door behind him before sighing.

"Michael could you do be a favor?"

Michael looked at him, his eyes lighting up at the fact Ryan Howard as asking Michael Scott a favor.

"Sure buddy! What is it?"

"Well…I want you to give Pam the sales job."

Michael looked confused.

"Huh?"

"Well I was in sales for what seemed like forever and I never got anywhere, also seeing my past history I think it might be better if you gave Pam the chance. She really deserves it."

"Really?"

"Yeah, besides I'm good as a temp. I'm used to it."

Michael smiled.

"That you are."

"So would you do it?"

"Ryan, you are one amazing person…I really mean it. Pam will sure owe you a big one."

"Well that's the thing. I don't want you to tell her I asked you to give the job to her. Just tell her you made the decision yourself okay?"

Michael smiled.

"Okay, sounds like a deal."

That afternoon Ryan couldn't help but smile as Pam left Michael's office smiling ear to ear. She had never looked so happy before in her entire life. That's when he watched Pam jump into Jim's arms and his smile faded.

He had to remind himself she had made her choice.

And here he was, back to where he used to be…

_**2006**_

Pam was depressed.

Today was Valentine's day and she was forced to stand back and watch as Phyllis got one surprise after another, after another while she still sat there empty handed. Valentine's day always seemed stupid to her, in fact she really didn't see the point and as she stared at everyone else's valentines she had to remind herself that Roy and her had decided not to go too crazy this year this they were saving up for the wedding.

The wedding…

The words seemed to echo in her head.

The last two months had been interesting, looking over at Jim as he was in the middle of calling one of his friends she deeply sighed.

Between the warehouse trying to start a union, Roy telling her the art classes in New York were a waste of time, Michael's carpet 'accident', and Jim's secret was enough drama to last her a lifetime. Staring at Jim she reminded herself that this was what she had chosen, and it was far too late to change things…

Were they?

That's when Ryan strolled over, his hair fallen over in his face.

"Hey Pam."

Pam looked up smiling as Ryan took one of her red and pink jellybeans.

Pam noticed the circles around Ryan's eyes and raised an eyebrow.

"Everything okay?"

Ryan smirked before shaking his head.

"Oh nothing, just made the biggest mistake of my life last night."

"Oh really? What was it?"

Ryan leaned over closer sighing before shaking his head.

"I sorta 'hooked' up with Kelly last night."

Pam stared at him before bursting out laughing. Jim who was still on the phone glanced over before Ryan's eyes widened and he smiled before telling her to shush. Pam held back her giggles before looking at him extremely surprised.

"Whoa, that's…whoa."

Ryan looked sick to his stomach before smiling.

"Yeah, I know."

Pam raised her eyebrows before shaking her head again. Ryan sighed drumming his fingers against her desk.

"I have a feeling I've just fallen into the abyss, I'm trying not to be a jerk but I think it just dawned on me how crazy she really is."

Pam laughed before pretending to make a pouting face.

"Awwww, poor Ryan."

Ryan grinned before reaching into his coat pocket.

"Well I guess it's my own fault. Anyways, happy Valentine's day Pam."

Ryan slid over a white envelope on the countertop of her desk before winking at her and walking away. Pam sat there slightly stunned, watching him go before carefully taking the envelope down. Watching Ryan sit at his desk across the way, his attention mainly focused on his computer she seemed confused before looking at Ryan's handwriting.

_Pam_

It said. Opening it, there was a single white plain card with a tiny red hard on the cover. In red writing it said.

_Happy Valentine's day!_

There was a tiny note inside along with a folded up piece of paper.

_Pam, Hope Roy doesn't get upset I send you a Valentine. I feel like I'm in third grade all over again. Anyways, you looked a little down today so I wanted to cheer you up. – Ryan._

_Ps. I know it isn't as great as your work, but I tried. Ha ha ha ha. – R_

Pam unfolded the piece of paper and began cracking up. Drawn with what appeared to be colored pencils were stick figures, almost as if somebody in early grade school drew.

One stick figure had what appeared to be crazy red hair, and a pink and gray sweater on. The other stick figure had black short hair and a blue tie. Both were standing together and off to the side there were two other stick figures. One had a "World's Bests Boss" mug, and the other had a yellow colored shirt and glasses on.

Pam couldn't help but smile, somehow this had really brightened her day. Looking up, she caught Ryan looking across at her smiling himself. Looking at him, both locked eyes and couldn't help but laugh across at each other by their private joke.

_**Present.**_

Today was the company picnic, everyone from all the surrounding Dunder Mifflin branches were gathered out and were involved in some pretty extreme and rather stupid outdoor sports.

Pam didn't feel right, in fact she hadn't felt right at all this morning.

Wearing her red Scranton shirt and visor, she was trying to enjoy the day and show off her volleyball skills in front of everyone. For the first time in weeks her mind was clear.

A lot had happened, now that was Michael Scott Paper Company was no more, she was now in sales and working happily beside Jim.

But still, she couldn't forget.

Every day she saw Ryan, and every day she was reminded of that horrible mistake they made.

But she had to give it to him, he had kept his promise.

He didn't look at her funny, he didn't make any remarks, nor make her feel awkward of weird. In fact now working back as a temp he was beginning to go back to his older self, staying in the shadows and barley saying anything at all.

Often, whenever she was working she would find herself looking across and staring at him as he worked at his desk. His bleached hair beginning to fade away, and his tan blending in with his natural skin color. Watching whenever Kelly went over and bothered him, or whenever Kevin made another 'Fired guy' joke she wanted to scream.

Couldn't they see he had changed?"

Day after day she kept pretending with herself she could forget, but every night as she laid in Jim's arms she knew better.

The last couple of days she felt exhausted. Dreading today, she tried to make the best of it and at this exact moment as she raced back and forth from the next with her co-workers, she felt finally happy for once.

Eyeing Ryan, she saw he was pretending to look more interested in his Blackberry than the game. At one point both kept hitting the ball back and forth before Andy flipped out of them. Catching his eyes for a second, she quickly looked away.

Somehow whenever she looked at him, she kept remembering that he had been inside of her. That both had made love and that she had done something horrible…something she planned on hiding from Jim for the rest of her life.

Then she hurt her ankle.

Jim scooped her up and ran out of the field. All the meanwhile Ryan watched with concerned eyes. Watching as Jim carried her to their car he tapped Andy on the shoulder.

"Hey man, what happened to Pam?"

Andy shrugged.

"Hurt her ankle, Jim is taking her to some small clinic to get it checked out…"

Andy then whispered to Ryan's ear.

"We're really stalling for New York."

Ryan slowly nodded, while still keeping his eyes on Jim's car.

_**2006**_

Ryan watched as Sasha crawled from underneath his desk. Standing up, she pretended to hit him before running away giggling. Ryan's serious set face suddenly broke. Smiling, he turned towards his computer and couldn't help but feel good. Even though Stanley had taken ten years off his life earlier today by yelling at him, he still felt good.

Glancing over at Pam, surrounded by her different bowls of candy he couldn't help but feel a strange fluttering deep in his chest.

Earlier today Kelly had scared him to death telling Angela she couldn't wait to get pregnant and start having babies. The very thought of Kelly and him having children made him shutter. At first he thought this wouldn't be anything serious, something he would just have fun with and ignore any real problems that were going on in his life. Instead here he was, nearly two months later and stuck in the relationship from hell.

Looking at Pam he smiled, she sure was cute. He thought it was such a waste she was with that idiot Roy. Looking at her, he wondered what if would be like for a split second if Pam and him had kids…

He could see her with a perfectly round stomach, carrying twin boys who had big blue eyes like him, and red hair like her.

Smiling as he shook this thought away, he knew it was no daydream any guy in his mid-twenties would have. Going back to work, he still couldn't help but smile…wondering what it would be like to have kids with Pam.

_**Present.**_

"We took a pregnancy test Ms. Beesly which is regular policy and it appears that it was positive."

Pam sat there in complete shock.

"What?"

She was pregnant.

Pam couldn't help but smile, the news and reality of it still hadn't set in. She had just learned she was pregnant, she was having a baby…

Just then Jim opened the door, looking worried as he walked over to her. She sat on the hospital bed smiling and feeling the strangest stir of excitement which seemed so scary she couldn't help but feel overwhelmed with happiness.

Jim went to her side before looking at her expression and the doctor's. Raising an eyebrow he smiled.

"What?"

_**March 2006**_

Pam was enjoying her day, even though it had been complete madness. Today was Michael's birthday, and of course he had acted like a selfish five year old craving attention. Between him thinking the delivery woman was a stripper, and the guys lifting him up in a chair and having his head hit the ceiling…Pam had seen enough for one day.

The day ended up turning out all right though. Kevin's skin cancer scare ended up being nothing, and Michael had brought them all to the local ice skating ring. Sometimes Pam wondered if she was working in an office, or sitting in a third grade class room.

Still, she couldn't help but be in a good mood.

Jim and her and snuck off and went to Rite-Aid and picked up a few things to cheer up Kevin and Michael. Spending some time alone with him reminded her of how she felt when she just began dating boys in late grade school. She knew it was silly, yet still couldn't help but enjoy the silly little time they shared together.

With her pink puffy coat on, she skated around watching everyone else.

"Whoa!"

Pam turned and saw Ryan in his black pea coat struggling for balance. Holding back a giggle, she found it surprisingly cute seeing that he was really the only one who didn't know how to skate yet still tired. Earlier she had seen Kelly and Phyllis both trying to guide him around without much luck. Pam smiled watching as he pin-wheeled his arms trying to keep standing. Michael racing around the ring and pretending to push people weren't helping much either.

Skating over, she smiled before Ryan looked at her and gave a very embarrassed smile.

"Need help?"

Ryan blushed, his breath along with hers came out in tiny little puffs from the cold inside.

"I can't believe I'm even trying this. I'm horrible."

"I take it you weren't a hockey player?"

Ryan laughed before Pam offered him her hands.

"Come on, hold on I'll show you that it really isn't that hard. It just takes balance."

Ryan laughed.

"Yeah that' what everyone keeps telling me…"

They watched Michael race around the ring again, knocking into Toby. Pam shook her head smiling.

"Well it could be worse…Michael could be doing that to you."

Ryan grinned before taking hold of her hands. Pam was surprised by how cold and smooth they held in hers. Pulling him forward he glided against the ice easy. Pam smiled looking straight into his eyes.

"See? It isn't that hard."

Ryan smiled as she kept leading him along the ice, moving slowly.

"Hey, I'll have a story for my friends tonight…I learned how to figure skate at work today."

Pam laughed pulling him along easy.

Just then Michael rushed past them, laughing at the top of his lungs before giving a playful push to Ryan's back. Ryan's eyes widened before he began to lose his balance. Pam tried to stand up straight but she felt the skates go right up from under her. Both fell onto the cold surface with a thud.

"Michael!"

Pam yelled annoyed as Michael kept laughing and skated away. For a second Pam stared up at the ceiling and looked at the different banners and skylights that were displayed on the high ceiling. That's when she looked and saw when Ryan had fell, he had wrapped his arms around Pam and made sure he fell first so she wouldn't get hurt.

She was laying half on top of him and half on the ice.

Ryan lifted his head before shooting Michael a look from across the way who was now talking to a blond woman with a bunch of children. That's when he looked at her.

"You okay?"

Pam smiled and nodded.

"Yeah I think so."

"I'm sorry…"

Pam waved her hand.

"Please, it's the child that we work for."

Ryan laughed before a squeal overcame them and all the color in Ryan's face drained out. Kelly came skating over as fast as she could before dropping on her knees, almost pushing Pam to the side.

"My poor baby!"

She began covering him with kisses.

Ryan, turning red gave a helpless look to Pam who could only smile.

"Now that's a fall for the books Beesly."

Pam looked up and saw Jim grinning down at her. Smiling she offered her hand and she took it standing her up. Not knowing as they skated away, that Ryan was watching them and feeling his heart tighten.

_**Present**_

Ryan glanced at his wrist watch. It had nearly been an hour. Standing in the bright June sunshine he suddenly felt very uneasy.

Something was wrong.

"Don't be stupid, she just hurt her ankle. She's with her fiancé'…"

He thought to himself. Those words that rang through his head somehow stung.

Just then Dwight ran over.

"Jim and Pam aren't coming, their held up. COME ON LET'S FINISH THIS!"

Clapping his hands together Ryan did a double take and couldn't believe what he just heard. Held up…what did that mean?

Just then the volleyball came flying towards him. Hitting it without any interest he wondered what could be wrong?


	4. Chapter 4

_**August **_

Pam tried taking deep breaths as she sat on the bathroom floor. Suddenly the wave of nausea overcame her again as she quickly held onto the toilet and threw up. Feeling her insides strain, she spit before looking at the disgusting mess she made. Reaching over, she flushed before sitting back. Just then the door opened and Jim poked his head in.

Right away he frowned.

"Still not feeling good?"

Pam looked up, wiping her mouth.

"Morning sickness sucks."

Jim laughed before walking in and squatting beside her. Reaching over, she brushed a few strands of hair away from her face.

"You want me to call you in?"

Pam shook her head.

"No, I'll be all right…besides, Michael might send Dwight to check if I'm really sick."

"You sure you're up to it?"

Pam warmly smiled.

"Yeah, anyways I have a wedding to plan."

Jim smirked before leaning over and kissed her. Smiling through the kiss, Pam had felt the happiest she had been in a while…

_**September2006**_

Pam was depressed.

This past summer she had made the biggest mistake of her life.

She chose Roy over Jim.

Casino Night was still clear in her mind. It seemed to keep repeating over and over again in her mind, making her stomach toss, and tears begin to blur her vision. Jim had confessed his feelings to her, something that she had been hopefully day dreaming about for years. Suddenly her little office crush had turned into a reality.

She had been stupid and was just scared, now Jim was gone…off to Stamford. Looking down at her bare finger she sighed. It wasn't until it was too late that she finally woke up to the fact that she didn't love Roy anymore and broke off the engagement just days before the wedding. For a whole week straight she stayed at her parents and just cried.

Jim…who hadn't she picked Jim?

She missed him.

Looking over and seeing Ryan now at Jim's old desk seemed so weird.

What had she done?

Earlier, in the meeting room when Michael had decided to "out" poor Oscar, Pam and Ryan sat side by side dreading the fact they had to watch this scene unfold. For a brief second she forgot herself and tried to share a private inside joke like she did with Jim with Ryan on Michael's behalf. Instead all she got was a very confused look and a "What?" Pam's smile died knowing nobody could ever replace Ryan.

Now standing in the stairwell, just an hour before she could go home she sat on the stairs depressed and on the verge of crying.

She hated her life.

"Pam?"

Pam glanced up and saw Ryan standing there in his white button up shirt. Quickly turning away, she wiped her eyes and cleared her throat.

"Oh…hi Ryan."

Ryan walked down a few steps and sat down beside her.

"You okay?"

Pam forced a smile and nodded.

"Yeah, just thinking…"

"About Jim?"

Pam looked at him, taken aback that he had said that. Feeling a little embarrassed she shook her head.

"No, just everything. I feel as though ever since I broke off the engagement everyone has been looking at me different…"

Ryan shrugged.

"You shouldn't let 'these' people bother you, trust me."

Pam let out a faint smile before Ryan reached over and touched her hand. Pam looked down, not believing he was really touching her, somehow it felt…nice.

"Listen, I'm sorry how I've been acting, I'm just really nervous about starting in sales."

Pam looked at him.

"What?"

Ryan shrugged again.

"I guess I'm just scared, I mean things aren't really going good for me either. Things are going to hell with Kelly, and somehow having my back facing Michael now isn't the most comfortable thing."

Pam smiled.

"I guess not."

"I'm a little embarrassed saying this, but just last weekend I thought somebody was breaking into my apartment. I'm such a wuss I freaked out and called Kelly, I thought a serial killer was breaking in or something. How bad is that?"

Pam held back a laugh.

"I guess it has been a tough year huh?"

"Yeah…"

Just then Ryan glanced at his watch.

"I better get back…"

"Yeah me too…"

Ryan then leaned over, pecking Pam on the cheek. Pam sat there completely stunned before he stood up and offered his hand to her. Pam stared up at him before smiling and slipping her hand into his.

_**Present**_

Pam sat at her desk, feeling light headed and sick. Trying to stare at the computer screen for too long made her headache. Rubbing her temples, she sighed before feeling her stomach rumble. She had been at work for just a few hours now and couldn't seem to focus on anything. Jim was off at lunch with a client. Ever since they had become engaged, and then found out about the pregnancy he had been putting in the extra hours and effort. Just a few days before they had their first ultrasound. The entire time Pam felt terrified but as soon as the tiny screen lit up, showing a fuzzy image Jim grinned and tears of joy began to show in his eyes. Squeezing her hand he laughed pointing to the screen.

"That's our baby…"

Snapping out of her thoughts, Pam thought back on when they had informed Jim's parents and her parents. Everyone was surprised, but of course welcomed the news with hugs and pure excitement. That's when Pam began to feel a panic attack. Reality was really setting in.

That night she had a talk with her mother..

Her thoughts were broken when her stomach rumbled. She was hungry.

She had so much on her mind.

Thinking of the ice creams in the freezer in the staff kitchen her stomach rumbled again. Deciding to take a break and give in to the one of many pregnancy cravings she set her phone on voice mail and got up and crossed the chilly office that the A.C was working full blast. Humming, she opened the door before stopping and smiling.

Ryan sat at the table wearing what Pam could only describe as thick rimmed black glasses. Seeing him wear them made her stop for a second, the surprise in her eyes was clear. Ryan, who was having a cup of coffee looked up and smiled.

"Hey."

Pam began walking towards the freezer, trying to avoid the funny look she was giving him. Taking one of the ice creams, she leaned against the fridge and looked at him. Ryan smirked.

"I left my contacts at home."

Pam nodded, smiling before unwrapping her ice cream.

"They look good on you."

Ryan rolled his eyes.

"Oh yeah I'm a movie star."

Pam smirked before she threw the wrapper in the trash.

"Sugar fix huh?"

Pam looked at the cone before smiling.

"Yeah…"

Glancing at him her heart pounded in her chest. His dyed blond hair was now gone and it looked as if he had dyed it completely black. Somehow the color suited him well, and danced against his eyes. Still looking at him made her feel funny.

It still seemed so strange, that afternoon they shared together was still completely clear in her head. The summer hadn't been weird, but she noticed he had stayed in the back most of the time and both had barley talked, even though The Michael Scott Paper Company still seemed like yesterday.

Just then Michael came in, spoiling the moment before leaning in close to Pam.

"Did you hear? Stanley is having an affair."

Pam raised an eyebrow.

"Really?"

Michael nodded, trying to hold back from smiling before leaving. Ryan and Pam looked at each other before both started laughing.

Ryan stood up and went over to the sink, emptying it and running water in his star cup Kelly had given him.

"Do you really think it's true?"

Pam smiled taking a lick of her ice cream.

"In this place, who knows."

Ryan smirked again before looking at Pam.

"So, it's been a while. How are sales?"

Pam took another lick of her ice cream.

"Good…well dull really. I honestly thought I would be better at this."

"Give it time, you'll do great."

Pam felt her cheeks slightly flush before glancing over at him. He really did look handsome.

That's when it hit her, her stomach rolled. Ice cream was a bad choice.

"Ummm, excuse me…"

Pam dropped her ice cream into the trash and quickly made it to the ladies' room. Ryan stood there puzzled, raising an eyebrow and feeling something wasn't right.

_**September 2006**_

It had been a horrible day.

First poor Oscar was forced to come out due to Michael's lack of respect, then the entire office was forced while Michael kissed Oscar on the lips. After that Pam began feeling more depressed than usual. It was finally hitting her that Jim was gone, and nobody could ever replace him.

Had she made a mistake?

That's when she thought back, just an hour or so ago in the stairwell.

Ryan had kissed her on the cheek.

It really wasn't a big deal, but the two of them walked upstairs back into the office and as soon as they opened the glass door Pam let go of his hand. This was far too much to think about right now. The entire day she made sure her head was down so she wouldn't risk looking at him just a few feet away.

Now it was the end of the day, Pam was beginning to think that maybe she should call in tomorrow, it might do her good to get away from it all. Plus, if she had to spend after afternoon with Roy bringing in the plates and asking her chicken or fish? She might lose her mind.

Tugging on her light jacket, she tried to gather her things before she heard her name.

"Pam?"

Looking up she saw Ryan standing there, his jacket on and his bag in his hand. Just this past summer he had gotten his hair cut shorter, it somehow made him look older, and more handsome…

It was funny, just a year ago he was the new temp who didn't look a day over eighteen with his shaggy wavy brown hair.

Snapping out of her thoughts she looked at him.

"Hum?"

He smiled.

"Listen, Kelly wanted me to ask you if you wanted to be set up with one of her neighbors. I guess he does cartoons for the local paper or something. She's been bugging me about it all afternoon and I kinda thought it might be a good idea, you seem a little down."

Suddenly the strangest feeling overcame Pam. The little show of affection he gave to her earlier in the stairwell meant nothing. Here he was asking if his girlfriend could set her up with a complete stranger.

Why?

Because it meant nothing that's why. Because Pam knew that she was used broken goods…what kind of woman calls off a wedding just days before hand? She knew Ryan knew how much Jim meant to her, and how things had ended badly, any blind fool could see that.

He was just being nice after what happened in the meeting room.

He wasn't Jim, and never would be. Somehow Pam couldn't help but feel slight disappointment. Looking up at him, she smiled feeling her cheeks blush before tucking a piece of hair behind her ear.

"Sure, that sounds cool. I'll talk to Kelly tomorrow."

Ryan smiled.

"Great, I guess she wants to double date or something, should be amusing."

Pam forced a smile.

"Yeah, should be…"

Right away Ryan's expression changed, he saw the look of hurt and disappointment in Pam's eyes as she grabbed her purse and hurried out of the office. Watching her go he felt like an idiot. What was wrong with him doing that to her today? She had so much going on and him even kissing her on the cheek wasn't right.

He shouldn't have done it…even though he had wanted to.

Just then Kelly wrapped her arms around him and smiled, her perfume extremely strong.

"Ready babe?"

Ryan sighed looking at Pam's empty desk.

"Yeah…sure."

_**Present**_

The truth had come out.

Pam and Jim announced the pregnancy in order to try and spare Stanley's embarrassing truth of having an affair. The entire office was surprised, but welcomed the news very much the same their parents had. Jim was so excited he even showed the printed out photo of the ultrasound they had gotten. Pam blushed as everyone smiled and told her how wonderful the news was.

That's when she looked over at Ryan who's face looked completely shocked.

He had made some casual joking comment about having the baby get vaccinated before standing back as everyone came forward. Kelly seemed to most excited, touching her still flat stomach and laughing at how lucky she was. Michael, and Kevin shook Jim's hand.

Pam kept looking over at Ryan, who's face seemed completely blank.

Earlier as the false rumors were flying around the office, Meredith had taken Ryan aside and told him that she heard Pam was 'Knocked up'. Ryan's face dropped as his heart sank in his chest.

"What?"

Meredith pointed as Pam worked, unaware of any of this at her desk. Ryan began to feel panic but brushed it off with another casual joke.

"Wow, she's gonna stretch."

Meredith nodded in agreement.

Ryan suddenly felt light headed. He sat at one of the empty desks and took his inhaler out. The entire afternoon he felt sick to his stomach…

Until now.

It was true, Jim and her were going to have a baby.

Pam's eyes seemed guilty as he stared at him in the meeting room. Ryan then couldn't take it, excusing him, he quickly felt the room and headed to the men's room. Nearly stumbling in he ran over to the sink and splashed cold water on his face.

It was really happening…she was moving on with her life.

Ryan stared at his reflection and sighed.

Unaware though, he didn't know what Pam and her mother had talked about the night Jim and her announced the news of the pregnancy.

That night Pam's father, and Jim's parents were in the living room of their house, while Pam and her mother stood on the back patio. It was a warm summer's night, and a full moon was out. The second Pam's mother shut the sliding glass door Pam burst into tears.

Right away her mother was at her side. Her eyes worried as she took hold of her shoulders.

"What's wrong?"

Pam tried to hitch in another breath before she burst into tears all over again. Feeling her insides shake she let what was bothering her the moment she found out she was pregnant finally out.

"Mom, I did something horrible…"

Her mother looked at her.

"What?"

"I-I…s-slept with someone else…"

Pam's mother's face said it all. She stood up straight before Pam lowered her head, so ashamed as tears ran down her face.

"Oh baby…"

Pam's mother lifted her chin, studying her face. Her eyes were worried and disappointed.

"Who?"

"Ryan…"

"Who's Ryan?"

"Remember the temp I worked with? The one who went to New York and got arrested?"

"The one who worked with at the new company for a few months?"

Pam nodded, her insides hurt.

"Yeah…"

"What happened?"

Pam felt herself shaking as she sniffled in.

"It was just one time, I was upset over something stupid with Jim and it just happened…"

Her mother looked at her.

"Honey, when?"

Pam looked up, her eyes shimmering with tears.

"What?"

"When, when did it happen?"

"May…"

"Pam, you don't think…"

Pam wiped her eyes quickly, scared to death Jim might come out.

"I've always used protection with Jim mom…always. The one time I didn't was with…"

Her words broke off as she controlled her tears.

"Mom I've been sick over this ever since it happened. I love Jim mom and it was a mistake I swear! I love him so much and I'm so afraid I'm going to lose him but I just have a feeling…"

Pam's mother reached over and touched her face.

"Oh honey…"

Pam tried to control herself before taking a deep breath.

"I don't know what to do…"

Her mother held her by her arms, her eyes locking with Pam's ashamed ones.

"How sure are you?"

"I'm not sure. I read up on this thing called amnio, I just need to take something of Ryan's…a cup, a piece of hair, something with his DNA."

"An amnio? Pam that could hurt the baby…"

"But it's the only way mom! Its killing me inside not knowing!"

"Shhh, I know honey I know. Have you let this Ryan guy know?"

Pam looked at her shocked, another tear rolling down her face.

"Of course not!"

"What if it's Jim?"

"Then…maybe I can start working on moving on, I honestly know this is something I'll have to live with the rest of my life and to my marriage with Jim…but if it's Jim's baby I'm going to have, then it's a sign. I'm forgiven and I can move on and try to forget!"

"And if it's Ryan's?"

Pam just stood there, feeling sick to her stomach.

"Then…I'll figure out a way to take care of it."

There was silence and Pam's mother knew perfectly well what her daughter meant.

"When do you plan on doing it?"

"As soon as possible, it's killing me mother."

Nodding, her mother gathered her in her arms.

The next day, Pam waited.

She watched Ryan carefully, waiting for him to finally out down his coffee mug. Instead she got something even better. She was nervously sitting behind her desk when she heard Ryan yell.

"Shit!"

Then Kelly's voice.

"Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!"

Pam glanced over and saw Ryan and Kelly in the staff kitchen, Toby was with them as well. Raising an eyebrow, she got up and walked over, the moment she opened the door her heart skipped a beat.

Ryan's hand was bleeding.

Pam looked as Kelly pressed a tissue up against his fingers, blood dripping on the floor.

Kevin came behind Pam.

"What happened?"

Kelly looked up, almost acting as if she was going for winning her first Oscar.

"Ryan cut his fingers!"

Toby didn't look as worried, he turned on the sink.

"He was using a letter opener and it slipped, Kelly it really isn't that deep."

Kelly cried before Ryan rolled his eyes.

"Jesus Kelly you're acting like somebody is being murdered."

Ryan let go of the tissue and threw it on the counter before running it under the water.

"You're going to need stitches!"

Ryan shot Kelly a look.

"I'm fine…"

His eyes lifted up for a second and locked with Pam's before quickly looking down again. Kevin giggled from behind her.

"Bleeding guy!"

That's when Michael appared.

"What happened?!"

Ryan's color drained from his face.

"Oh God…"

Kelly turned making a helpless face.

"Ryan cut his fingers open! He's bleeding to death!"

Michael was in the middle of tackling Ryan when Pam saw her chance and quickly grabbed the blood stained tissue and stuffed it in her pocket.

Leaving as quickly as she could, she told Jim she was stepping out for a second to grab the food they ordered. Jim offered to come but she warmly smiled and said no need.

Dropping it off in a ziplock bag at the lap she had looked up with her mother, she took a deep breath before turning around and going back to work. She gave them only her work number.

Three days later she got the call when she was working at her desk, the results were in.

Taking a deep breath, she picked them up one evening when Jim thought she was shopping. Holding the envelope, she honestly didn't know if she could go through with it. Turning it over in her hands she thought of Jim and wanted to cry.

That's when she stuffed the envelope back in her purse, she had to wait. She couldn't do this now.

_**Present**_

Now a few weeks later and here she was.

Everyone had settled and gone back to work. Pam smiled when she watched Jim put up the ultrasound photo on his desk, beaming with proud eyes.

Glancing up, she didn't see any sign of Ryan.

That's when she took a deep breath and remembered the envelope locked in the bottom draw of her desk. She had told her mother she couldn't bring herself to look at it yet…she needed more time.

Sitting there it was now a reality…she was having a baby.

But with who?


	5. Chapter 5

_**October **_

Pam stood in the hotel room in Niagara looking at her wedding dress that was laid out on the bed. The mixture of excitement and nervousness overwhelmed her. Tomorrow she would be Mrs. Pam Halpert. It seemed so strange…

The last couple of months had been interesting. Jim had just gotten promoted, which thrilled the two of them. Also, Pam was going on her sixth month in the pregnancy.

But still, the envelope still laid unopened. She had been hiding it away, much like the truth she had revealed to her mother this past summer. Just the day before hand, Pam's mother had taken her aside, her eyes serious.

"You need to stop stalling, this is something you need to find out."

Pam now wondered why she had waited so long. At first when she received the results she very much convinced herself that she could get an abortion if the baby ended up being Ryan's. She knew this was a horrible thing, but she simply told herself over and over again she would just tell Jim she lost it. She knew he would be heartbroken, but she would spare him from ever knowing what had really happened. She knew that was something he could never forgive her for.

If it was Jim's…

Then she could move on and forget about this entire mess.

But between all the wedding plans, and everything happening so fast, she found herself not even able to open the envelope. Now here it was, laying right beside her wedding dress.

Waiting.

How could she have been so stupid. She couldn't even get the abortion now even if she wanted to. But deep down inside she kept wishing it was really Jim's. That she would open the envelope and find the results negative.

Tomorrow was her wedding day…

She honestly didn't know what to do. Crossing her arms she stared at her reflection, she was wearing her glasses and looked exhausted. Lowering her head, she began to cry.

_**In the other room…**_

Ryan stood back with a soda in his hand in Andy's hotel room with everyone else from the office. Music blasting, he danced with Kelly before laughing as Andy broke out into an all out dance off. Taking a second, he spaced out…

What was he doing here?

He remembered when Pam asked if he was driving up for the wedding. Taking a second he honestly didn't know if he could do it. It had been a rough last couple of months. He was still clean, but still working as a temp at Dunder Mifflin and still staying with his mom.

Just two weeks ago he had started looking for his own place. He wasn't seeing anyone, nor really doing anything that exciting with his life. He was thinking about maybe going back to business school but the money kept stopping him.

Thinking of that afternoon they shared together, he simply smiled before looking up at her. He was happy she moved on, and was happy he hadn't ruined her perfect little life she was making with Jim.

"Yes, I'm coming to your wedding."

She also had a baby on the way. Somehow Ryan thought Pam would make a wonderful mother.

A few days later he teased her and offered her a gambling scam his buddies had told him about. Those few minutes they shared together in the break room made him smile. It had been a while since the two of them had spent any time together…

Now here he was, away for the weekend to watch her get married. Snapping out of his thoughts he couldn't help but laugh as everyone took turns trying to impress each other with dance moves. Not really caring any more, he handed his soda to Kelly.

Popping his collar, he grinned before stepping into the center. Everyone was clearly all ready buzzed and having a great time. Cat calling and laughing, they cheered as Andy made a face at Ryan.

"Bet you can't do a split!"

Ryan rolled his eyes.

"What are you twelve?"

"What are you? Chicken?!"

Ryan laughed before everyone began to cheer him on. Deciding he really didn't care, he grinned and spun to the music before opening his legs and falling to the floor.

Right away a horrible striking pain filled him, snapping his eyes shut he yelled as loud as he could.

"FUCK!"

Everyone right away gasped.

_**January 2006**_

Somebody had done something horrible to Michael's carpet.

Jim was forced to sit in the back while Michael took over his desk for the day, which was more than annoying to Pam. Around lunch time, Pam was making copies when she went to grab staples on the supplies shelf when she overheard something.

"What do you think of Kelly?"

Pam froze, that was Jim's voice…coming from the staff kitchen. Walking over, she began to ease drop. She was Ryan and him standing together near the fridge.

"I don't know, depends if you like jun.."

Ryan spotted Pam from behind the glass window on the door, quickly she returned her glance back at the shelf's before Ryan blushed and looked down for a second.

"She's really cool, did she say anything?"

"Lots of things…"

Pam decided not to listen anymore; it wasn't any of her business. Turning, she headed back to her desk.

A few minutes later, Pam was back at her desk before looking up and watching Ryan stroll back to his desk. Watching him, she smiled.

He was cute…for a temp.

_**Present**_

Pam had finally fallen asleep when…

There was a loud banging on her door.

"Pam! Pam! Wake up!"

Rolling over Pam groaned before squinting to look at her alarm clock. Mumbling, she grabbed her glasses before throwing back the covers and shuffling to the door. Unlocking it she saw Andy and Oscar holding Ryan up, who's hair was sweaty and hanging in his face.

"Oh my God what happened?!"

"Ryan did a split while dancing and he had his car keys still in his pocket, I think he might have…burst something…"

Andy whispered. Oscar shot him a look.

"He's in a lot of pain and everyone is too drunk to drive."

Pam couldn't believe this was happening.

"Oscar I'm getting married tomorrow! Do you have any idea what time it is?"

"Pam, please."

Pam sighed before shaking her head.

"Okay, help him inside, I'll call Jim.'

_**November 2006 **_

Pam hung up the phone and sighed.

That had been the most awkward thing she had ever had to go through.

Jim had just called from Stamford.

They had talked for twenty minutes or so and had fallen back into the comfortable ease of their old friendship. Somehow everything was forgotten and both were laughing, and missing each other. Wanting to kick herself, she simply sighed before standing up and grabbing her coat.

Walking down to the lobby, she stopped before seeing Ryan standing against Hank's desk checking his voice mails. Right away he looked up, his eyes exhausted. Stopping, she held onto her purse strap tighter before smiling.

"Hey Ryan…"

Ryan shoved his phone back in his pocket.

"Hey Pam."

"Looks like you had a long day."

Ryan gave her a blank look before rolling his eyes.

"Any day in which Dwight leaves me stranded at his beet farm is a long day."

Somehow the thought of Dwight leaving Ryan stranded in some beet field miles away brought a smile to her face. Trying to hold back a laugh she couldn't control herself and suddenly any bad thoughts or worries she had after the phone call with Jim drifted away. Ryan grinned.

"Need me to walk you to your car?"

A few minutes later they were walking together in the darkness of the parking-lot. Ryan was briefly skimming over his nightmare of a day with Dwight as Pam laughed.

Approaching her car they stopped, a breeze blowing past them, making Pam's hair dance in front of her eyes. Still smiling, she dug into her purse for her eyes before Ryan stared at her.

"You okay?"

"I think I am now, thanks for cheering me up."

Ryan smiled back at her.

"No problem."

That's when Pam leaned over and gently kissed his cheek. Drawing back, she couldn't help but smile. Somehow this made any thoughts of Jim disappear. Ryan grinned before leaning forward and kissing her…but this time on the lips.

The kiss was soft, and short. Gentle, and exactly what Pam needed. Closing her eyes for a brief moment she remembered the kiss Jim and her shared on casino night. The thought ruined everything. Breaking away, Pam shook her head.

"This is wrong…"

Ryan reached over and gently touched her face.

"Why?"

Pam stared at him.

"Because we're not thinking…you know I'm right."

Ryan sighed before dropping his eyes and nodding.

"I'm sorry…it's just been a long day. I wasn't thinking."

Pam smiled.

"It's okay, I had a bad day too. Friends?"

Ryan looked up and smiled back.

"Friends."

"See you tomorrow?"

"Sure, have a good night Pam."

Smiling, Pam turned and got into her car. The second she started the engine she stopped for a second before looking out her window and staring at Ryan as he got into his own car. Sighing she suddenly felt horrible again. This was all she needed now. Deciding to put it behind her, she backed her car out and planned on making herself a nice cup of tea from her mint green teapot…

That's when she thought of Jim again and sighed.

Would she ever be happy again?

At that exact moment Ryan was driving in the opposite direction to his apartment feeling tired and depressed. Kelly lately had been a complete nightmare, and next week was something called Diwali that she had been bugging him about the last month or so. The thought of finally meeting her family terrified him.

He hadn't made the sale today, and after spending the last seven or so hours alone with Dwight the thought of cracking open a beer and watching some late night basketball didn't sound that bad at all.

Shutting his eyes he gripped his steering wheel.

"Why did I kiss her?"

He said out loud.

Shaking his head he drove on, he prayed things wouldn't be weird. He liked Pam…in fact he liked her a lot. He knew it was too soon to do something so stupid…

Touching his lips, he thought of how soft she felt against his. Shaking his head, he continued driving into the night.

_**Present **_

Pam hung up the phone feeling extremely angry. Jim was downstairs with Michael getting drunk. Eyeing the clock, she glanced over at Ryan who sat on the edge of her unmade bed, his cheeks flushed and his eyes in horrible pain.

"Damnit."

Ryan lowered his head, a wheezing sound coming from his chest. Turning, she looked at him and felt nothing but pity. That's when she remembered, earlier today everyone had car pooled together expect for him.

He had driven by himself.

The envelope…

She eyed her purse sitting on the chair beside her makeup bag. Why hadn't she looked at it yet? Sighing, she rubbed her temples. Ryan looked up.

"Listen, I'll just call a taxi and go up to the hospital myself. You looked tired…"

Pam suddenly felt terrible or making such a big deal about it. Sighing, she shook her head.

"No, it's okay I'll take you. Why did you do a split through?"

Ryan looked embarrassed before biting his bottom lip. The pain looked horrible across his face.

"Andy dared me…"

He lowered his head.

"So stupid…"

Pam walked over.

"Are you bleeding?"

Ryan's color drained from his face, his wheezing getting even louder. Pam knew he didn't mean this, turning she grabbed her purse and coat.

"Come on, let's try and find the hospital."

"I'm sorry Pam…"

He softly said. This made Pam stop dead in her tracks. Looking down at him she remembered all those times when he was good to her. Not the Ryan who was cocky or pretended he was better than everyone else. But the Ryan she had developed a harmless little crush on and learned to become friends with.

Touching his arm gently she shook her head.

"It's okay, come on take hold.."

Ryan looked up, his cheeks still flushed before he carefully lifted himself off the bed. Pam made sure his arm was around her as she helped walk him to the door. The feeling of his arm around her somehow felt comforting.

"Ah, stop!"

He cried, Pam froze before they reached the door.

"You okay?"

Ryan was sweating now, the wheezing now seemed so loud Pam thought he was about to pass out.

"You have your inhaler?"

Ryan slowly nodded before using his free hand to reach into his pocket. Taking his inhaler out, he triggered it before closing his eyes.

"Okay, I'm sorry…"

"Better?"

"Yeah, I just think I'm going to pass out."

"Okay, just take it easy. We'll move slow."

Nodding, he walked with her.

In the car, Pam leaned forward. She usually didn't drive with her glasses. Feeling sick, and overwhelmed as she tried to figure out which street she was on, Ryan sat in the passenger seat with his eyes closed. He asked her to try and take it slow and kept muttering to himself how stupid he had been.

Pam really had no idea where she was going.

"I'm sorry…"

Pam eyed him.

"It was an accident, it's okay Ryan."

"But we're lost, and your wedding is in a couple of hours…"

"We'll be okay, let's just try and find you some help."

"This is so embarrassing…"

Pam eyed him before gripping the steering wheel tighter.

"It's okay…I'm glad you're here…"

That's when Pam saw the hospital sign. It was in another three miles. Ryan cracked open one eye and looked at her before Pam hit a pot hole.

"Jesus!"

"Sorry!"

_**November 2006**_

Things hadn't been too weird.

The following day after Ryan and Pam kissed in the parking-lot, she sat behind her desk feeling an overwhelming feeling of nervousness.

That's when Ryan finally came in a few minutes later. Sitting at his desk, he set down his bag before looking up at her.

Pam's breath caught in her throat.

Ryan looked over at her before smiling. Pam couldn't believe it. Smiling back herself she quickly went back to work, pretending nothing had happened at all.

Diwali came and past, and Pam couldn't help but comment on how handsome Ryan looked when Kelly bought him something to wear for the night. Deciding to let lose, she even went alone and enjoyed herself for a couple of hours before Michael tried to propose to his girlfriend Carol.

The next couple of weeks dragged, things weren't weird but Pam kept busy. That's when news of the branch closing came.

For a brief second Pam really wasn't worried. Maybe this would be a sign to move forward with her life and away from Dunder Mifflin. But of course, within a couple of hours Jan explained that Stamford would be the one closing.

Right away Pam felt her heart catch in her throat.

She had so many questions. Would anyone be transferring to Scranton? Would Jim? It seemed forever since she last saw him. Maybe now this would be her chance to tell him the truth…

Feeling for the first time excited in what seemed like months, she found herself humming in the staff kitchen. That's when Ryan came in.

"You seem happy."

Pam looked up and smiled.

"Yeah, I guess it's nice to know we're not the ones shutting down. I mean can you believe it about Stamford?"

Before Pam knew it she was talking a mile a minute about how cool it would be to have the new people come in, and how lucky everyone was for still having jobs. Ryan watched her carefully before leaning against the counter.

"You don't think it will be too weird?"

Pam was caught off guard.

"What?"

"With Jim."

Pam was speechless, the kiss in the parking-lot came back to her.

"Huh?"

"Well you know, I have his old job and desk…"

"Oh…I don't think so. Besides it's nice that we still have our jobs..."

"Yeah…"

Just as Ryan began going to the fridge Kelly attacked him with kisses. Pam stood back softly smiling before turning and walking away.

The thought of Jim coming back made the smile widen.

_**Present **_

It was nearly three in the morning.

Ryan was laying on the floor in the hotel room. The doctors had checked him out and after a few stitches, and lots of pain he laid there propped up with pillows and happily enjoying the pain medicine.

Pam laid awake in her bed, listening to his breathing.

It had been one hell of a night. She couldn't sleep. The doctors told her it was simply a small tear, nothing serious. Just hearing this made Pam's stomach toss. Ryan carefully got back in the car before dry swallowing one of his pain pills. Once they were back to the hotel, Pam unlocked Ryan's door when she froze and shut it quickly again.

"You were sharing a room with Andy?"

"Yeah?"

Ryan leaned against the wall, his face still in pain.

"Well, either he has somebody in there, or he's having a lot of fun by himself."

Ryan rolled his eyes.

"Damnit…"

Pam looked up and down the empty hallway. She was too tired now.

"Listen, how about you sleep on the floor in my room."

"What?"

"Just for a few hours, after that you can see if Andy is…"

Pam eyed the closed hotel door.

"Finished."

"Pam, you need to get your sleep…"

"Come on, I'm too jeeped up to really sleep anyways. Besides you'll just lay on the floor okay?"

Ryan looked as if he was in too much pain to really care anymore.

"Okay…fine."

Now here they were. Laying in complete darkness. Pam couldn't believe in a couple of hours she would be married. That's when she eyed her purse on the nightstand.

She had to stop this.

"Ryan?"

"Yeah?"

She was glad he was still awake.

Pam didn't know if she could honestly do this. Biting her bottom lip she stared up at the ceiling.

"Do…you think I'm making a mistake?"

There was silence before she heard Ryan's voice again, working with great effort.

"Do you l-love him?"

Pam laid there for a moment.

"Yes, more than anything."

"Then no, you're not making a mistake."

Pam then slid out of bed, grabbing her glasses she crossed over the darkness of the hotel room, her bare feet touching the carpet before flicking on the overhead light. Ryan sat up, his eyes squinting for a second from the light.

"Pam what are you…"

"I have something to tell you, if I don't do this I'll just drive myself crazy."

Ryan was just in his boxers and T-shirt. His clothes neatly folded over the chair near her makeup bag.

"What?"

Pam nervously twisted her hands together.

"I'm a horrible person…"

Pam walked over and grabbed her purse before sitting on the edge of the bed. She was shaking. Sitting there, she lowered her head before softly crying. Right away Ryan's eyes filled with concern. Carefully sitting up, he snapped his eyes shut from the pain before slowly sitting on the edge of the bed beside her. Looking at her, he put his arm on her back.

"Pam, what's wrong?"

Pam looked up at him, her eyes bloodshot from crying.

"I think the baby might be yours."

Ryan froze.

_**December 2006 **_

It was the first day for the Stamford branch. Pam sat back at her desk smiling, her stomach dancing with butterflies. This entire week leading up to this day she had been on the verge of excitement. Now Jim was finally here…and everything would be all right.

Just moments after hugging and saying hello, Ryan walked in and shook Jim's hand.

"Hey welcome back man."

"Hey."

That's when Ryan dropped his bag into his desk chair as Jim began to pull it out. Pam watched and the awkwardness settled. Jim raised an eyebrow.

"Oh…you're sitting here now?"

Ryan looked at him.

"Yeah…"

"Oh…"

"Well it isn't a big deal…"

"No, no it's okay…"

"Thanks…"

Ryan pulled the chair out and sat down, settling in. Jim made a look before looking at the spare desk that had been set up.

"Okay I guess I'll just set here. Nobody is sitting here?"

Jim sat down before Ryan looked up and eyed Pam. Quickly she dropped her eyes.

Things were sure going to be interesting now…

But that all changed at the end of the day.

Jim was dating the new girl Karen, and both seemed very happy. On her way out from this horrible nightmare of a day, Him stopped her explaining herself. Pam knew she came off too strong but couldn't help it.

"We're friends Jim…that's all we'll ever be."

Jim raised an eyebrow before nodding.

"Okay…"

Pam quickly got into her car, holding back from bursting into tears. She had no idea how she was going to be able to stand this. Pulling out of the parking-lot, she quickly drove away.

Unknown to her, Ryan was just getting into his car when the little 'episode' played out between Jim and Pam. Sighing he shook his head before opening his door. Getting in, he started the engine before eyeing his rearview mirror watching Jim's car leave.

He didn't deserve her, nor know how lucky he was to have her love him.

_**Present **_

Pam held the envelope, tears rolling down her cheeks.

"I'm so sorry…"

Ryan's eyes seemed distant and completely shocked. He stared down at it.

"How long have you had this?"

"About a week or so after I found out I was pregnant."

"Pam!"

"I'm sorry! I-I just couldn't. You have no idea how hard this has been for me. It's been ripping me apart!"

Ryan kept looking at the envelope.

"What were you going to do if it was mine?"

Pam looked at him, ashamed. Ryan rubbed his hands over his face before deeply sighing.

"Jesus…"

"It's too late for that now…I just couldn't."

"Pam you're getting married in a couple of hours!"

"I'm sorry! Every time I thought of opening it I was so scared it really was you and I didn't want to lose Jim…"

Ryan closed his eyes, waving his hand.

"Please…"

"Ryan, try to be in my shoes for one second!"

"Pam Jesus! Look at yourself. You're getting married in a couple of hours and you just told me you think I'm the father of the baby your carrying! That you've suspected it ever since you found out! That you had the desk done but waited until now to find out the results! Why?!"

Pam burst into tears again before lowering her head.

"Because I didn't want to hurt anyone! Now I'm so scared and I don't know what to do!"

"Then why not just find out right away? Why did you wait so long?! If it was mine and you wanted to get an abortion that's your choice! If you wanted to tell me I would of paid for it! Jim would never have to know! Now it's too late! What if it is mine Pam? What then?!"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

She yelled in his face, still crying.

"I don't know Ryan! Because maybe I knew I couldn't get an abortion! Because maybe I'm sick and tired of lying to Jim!"

Ryan took his inhaler out again and triggered it.

"What's the real reason why you didn't open it?"

Pam lifted her eyes and stared at him completely helpless.

"Because…I'm scared…because I didn't know exactly how I should feel if it was yours…"

Ryan took her hand, staring at her.

"It's Jim's Pam. You've been driving yourself crazy over nothing. Just open it up and we'll just forget about it."

Pam sniffled in.

"You think so?"

Ryan gently rubbed her back before smiling at her. His free hand wiped one of her tears away.

"Yeah…"

"Ryan, I need to ask you something honestly. What happens if it…if it is you?"

Ryan took a deep breath before looking down at his feet.

"Then I'll take full responsibility."

"You don't mean that."

"The old me…maybe. Now, I wouldn't even think twice. It's my fault it happened…"

Pam's face crumbled.

"I'm so scared of loosing Jim."

"I know…"

"But you don't understand…I-I think I…"

"What?"

"I think I might have feelings for you."

Ryan was stunned.

"Pam…"

Pam shook her head before sniffling in.

"I guess it's now or never…"

"Pam wait…"

Before Ryan could say another word Pam tore the envelope open and took out the single piece of paper. Ryan leaned in and both of their eyes scanned the letter.

_Positive _

Pam dropped the letter to her lap, her eyes stared ahead before she let out a loud cry of a gasp. Ryan stared ahead as well.

There were no words.

"You're the…t-the…f-f-father…it's your baby…"

Pam stuttered out, her mouth open and barley able to get enough oxygen. Ryan's hand squeezed hers as tight as it could before Pam turned towards him, tears glistening. Right away panic spread across her face.

"It's your baby…"

"It's my baby…"

Pam's mind went blank, she couldn't think of anything else. Ryan's blue eyes locked with Pam's tear filled gray ones.

That one time…

Now here they were.

Pam suddenly burst into fresh tears. Ryan then without any warning leaned forward and deeply kissed her. Pam shut her eyes open finally the kiss broke, both gasping for breath and crying.

Ryan smiled.

"It's my baby…'

"It's your baby…"

Pam said through her tears.

Before she could say anything else, Ryan took her into his arms and let her place her head against his chest. Gently stroking her hair, he just sat there feeling completely numb.

How could a half an hour on a poker table result in this? Somehow everything seemed to fall into place. It was Ryan's baby that was growing inside of her, not Jim's.

This was their baby…

Pam sniffled in looking out and faintly hearing Ryan's heartbeat.

"What are we going to do?"


	6. Chapter 6

_**The next day…**_

Jim nervously waited at the front of the church while guests nervously began to eye their watches and shift in their seats. Jim's brothers who were waiting behind the main doors eyed each other before shrugging.

"Where is she?!"

Demanded Pam's mother as she went into the spare room where Pam was supposed to get ready. Her sister who lived out West simply shrugged and looked completely puzzled.

Pam's mother eyed the clock and her worst fear was beginning to come true. Pam had finally opened the envelope, and it hadn't been the result she had been hoping for.

"Call her hotel room, maybe something happened. Quick!"

Pam's mother knew it was wrong to have favorites, but her eldest daughter had gone away to collage the second she turned eighteen. Pam was her baby, Pam was the one who stayed behind and needed help along the way. Pam was special.

Watching her other daughter quickly dig into her purse for her cell phone, she decided to take a peak up front. The second she opened the main doors a crack and scanned the ails her heart caught in her throat. Ryan, the one who Pam had told her about wasn't there either.

"Oh dear Jesus…"

She mumbled.

_**Outside, two miles away…**_

Pam leaned against Ryan's car outside of a small coffee shop near the city's limits. It was a breezy beautiful sunny morning. Ryan came towards her, his arms slipping around her waist and bringing her to stand fully against him. Pam looked up and him and felt for once that terrible flutter in her stomach drift away.

"Ryan…"

Ryan gently kissed her forehead.

Pam took a shaken breath in before pressing her head against his chest. Somehow his embrace was comforting.

"I can't do this to Jim…"

Ryan stared ahead at the highway and nodded, his eyes stone-set.

"I know…"

Pam lifted her head and looked at him.

"What are we supposed to do?"

"Do whatever is best for you…and the baby."

"But…"

"It's the only way Pam."

Pam suddenly saw she had to make a choice. A choice in which would change the rest of her life. Looking at Ryan, she needed the hear the truth more than anything.

"Ryan, I need to ask you something. It's something I really need to know, if you're not honest with me…than I'll know you don't care about what happens."

"What is it?"

"How did you feel…I mean really feel when you found out the baby was yours."

Ryan's brow wrinkled and for a moment he stared down at her and said nothing. Finally as the wind blew harder around them he gulped and held her tighter.

"I was confused, mostly about why you wanted so long…but I guess relieved."

"Huh?"

"Relieved…that you didn't get an abortion. That somehow deep down inside the second you and Jim announced the pregnancy I had a funny feeling…a feeling that maybe that afternoon you and me maybe had done something…something important."

"I don't understand."

"Pam look at me, I'm a complete fuck up…"

"Ryan no…"

"Pam I mean it. I haven't got my shit together and I have a feeling I'm skating on thin ice…soon it's just going to crush out from under me again."

Pam tried to talk again but Ryan wiped one of her tears away with his thumb. Looking right into her eyes he forced a small yet sad smile.

"Pam I know you don't want to lie to Jim, but you love him don't you?"

"I do…"

"Then you'll lose him if you tell him. I might not like Jim much but he's a good guy. Somebody who loves you and might be better than I could ever be."

"But the baby…"

Ryan's thumb slid up against Pam's trembling lips.

"Then you drive back to the hotel, put that dress on…and marry him."

Tears began to blind Pam's vision.

"Ryan please…"

Ryan shook his head.

"Pam I love you…I really think I do. But I'm not good for you…or the baby. I just…like you said…I don't want 'us' to get bad. I want this baby to live a life it deserves, that you deserve. Trust me Pam I would of tried my hardest, I honestly would…but I would just screw it up."

"Ryan but it's our baby…"

"No, it's Jim's. I saw how happy he looked when you guys told everyone. He never has to know…"

Pam shook her head.

"I don't think I can do that…"

"Ryan's hands slipped into hers, grasping them.

"You can because you're going to be a good mother. You're strong Pam…you can do this."

"But Ryan this just isn't some little white lie! Do you honestly think I can go the rest of my life with this! Making Jim believe this baby is his!"

Ryan stared at her.

"If you love our baby you can."

Pam bit down on her bottom lip.

"Ryan…I…I have so many things I-I want to t-tell you…"

"Shhhh, it doesn't matter. In a couple of months before the baby comes I'll try to transfer somewhere else. I think that might be better…"

"Ryan I can't do this…"

"If you want to stay in contact we can…I would like to maybe see a photo of the baby, but it might be best if I stay away. Trust me Pam I would help you out if you needed if but Jim…"

Ryan now struggled with the words.

"He won't fuck it up. He loves you."

Pam stood there before Ryan leaned over and gently kissed her. Pam felt herself begin to shake.

"This is what y-you want?"

Ryan kissed the top of her head sighing before gently rubbing her back.

"Of course it is."

Pam then looked at him.

"I really love him Ryan."

Ryan smiled before rubbing her arms and holding her close.

"I know you do. Come on, you're going to be late."

_**2005**_

Pam sniffled before laughing to herself at how stupid she had acted in Michael's office a few minutes ago. Quickly opening her compact, she checked her eyes before smiling and shaking her head. How many years had she worked here and she still wasn't used to Michael's little pranks and idiot like comments. Looking around her desk she was surprised at how she really acted when Michael said she was fired.

Why would she think that was such a bad thing?

Hadn't she worked here long enough, constantly day dreaming of the time she would finally be free of the daily bore at Dunder Mifflin. Looking at Jim's empty desk she smiled, he had just left a minute before. Checking her watch she knew Roy was coming back to get her. One of the warehouse workers asked him to lend a day for a second before he took off. Sighing she watched as everyone else began getting their stuff together to head over for an after work drink. Something she rarely did because of Roy.

She felt…trapped.

"Hey…Pam?

Pam looked up, a little surprised.

The new temp stood there, his light trench coat on and his messenger bag thrown over his shoulder. Pam looked up at him and suddenly forgot his name.

"Hey…"

She then noticed how beautiful his eyes were.

"Listen, I'm sorry about what happened in Mr. Scott's office, I swear I had no idea what he was doing."

Pam smiled softly before waving her hand.

"It's okay, I really should be used to it."

The temp stared at her almost in disbelief.

"He's like this…all the time."

Pam laughed.

"Welcome to Dunder Mifflin."

He grinned.

"Thanks, see you later Pam."

Pam smiled.

"Bye."

She watched him go and that's when she remembered.

His name was Ryan.

_**Present**_

_Chris Brown – Forever_

Pam laughed as everyone began to dance down the ail. Somehow she no longer cared, it seemed as if a great weight had been lifted off her shoulders and she now knew for sure she had made the right choice.

It was nearly an hour after Ryan and her snuck back to the church. When Pam quickly dressed in the back room Pam's mother demanded what had happened and Pam simply lied…she was getting very good at that now.

"I felt sick, I'm okay though."

Her sister began to do her makeup as quick as she could before her mother leaned in close and whispered in her ear…

"Were you with Ryan?"

Pam looked at her and shook her head.

"No…now come on mother, help me with my dress."

Ryan snuck into the church walking carefully before sitting down between Kevin and Kelly. Right away Kelly frowned.

"Is your…well you known…down there okay?"

Kelly's eyes drifted down to Ryan's lap. Shaking his head he nodded.

"Yeah I'm fine."

Kevin began to giggle.

Kelly then leaned in close.

"Where were you?"

"I swung by the hospital again, they gave me some pain meds, I'm okay really."

The truth was Ryan hurt more than he ever did before in his life. Sitting there he took a deep breath.

Fifteen minutes Jim disappeared and everyone began placing bets Pam had chickened out or the two of them had simply ran off. Ryan felt his throat begin to tighten. Closing his eyes he sighed.

"I made the right choice…"

He said under his breath so Kelly and Kevin couldn't hear. Yet his heart was racing a mile minute. He wasn't being a coward. He was doing what was best for Pam…and the baby.

The baby…

He tried to see himself honestly living with the fact that Jim would be raising his child. Instead he pushes away those thoughts and tried to focus on what Pam had said.

She loved Jim…not him.

Finally they came, Jim raced up front his tie cut off. Ryan sat there feeling his palms sweat.

That's when the music started and everyone began to laugh.

Pam stood back watching as Jim's brothers and then her sister began going down the ail. Laughing, all she could do was stare at Jim. After she had finished gotten ready her veil had torn by accident. Breaking down completely, she called Jim in a complete panic.

He met her and they talked.

On the verge of tears she asked if he loved her…no matter what.

Jim raised an eyebrow and smiled.

"Of course Pam."

"I mean it, you know I would never hurt you. I love you so much Jim, I would have it no other way. I need to let you know I'm not perfect, and I'm a bad person…"

Jim kissed her still smiling.

"Where is all of this coming from? Pam you're just nervous…"

"I just need to know you'll love me no matter what."

"Of course Pam, I'll love you the rest of my life."

Pam began to cry before looking around.

"What are we doing here? We invited all these people we can't stand. I just wanted today to be about us…"

Jim smiled and took her hand.

Ten minutes later, Pam took a deep breath on board of the ship and said "I do". Before making her final choice. She chose Jim. Wrapping her arms around him she kissed him and tried to forget Ryan, his beautiful blue eyes, his creamy skin, and how safe she felt in his arms. Watching the ocean, she leaned against Jim and prayed she was doing right.

They raced back to the church.

Now she stood there smiling.

Everyone began dancing down the ail, for a brief moment Ryan stood beside her with the rest of the Dunder Mifflin workers. He smiled at her before winking at her and then took Kelly's hand and very carefully danced down the ail.

Pam watched, feeling tears in her eyes. She now took back every bad thing she had said about Ryan. He was a good man, who honestly cared about her well being. He knew Jim was a good man, and in his eyes would be twice the parent he ever could be. Standing there all worries somehow drifted away and she forgot the fact she was carrying his baby inside of her instead of Jim's.

Dancing down the ail herself, she reached Jim and smiled before taking hands with him and kissing him in front of all her loved ones and friends.

Ryan stood back with a heavy heart, holding back from his own tears he squeezed Kelly's hand and knew he was making the right choice. He knew he would just screw up…Jim was the one who deserved her and the family not him.

That's when he made his decision, he would leave Dunder Mifflin as soon as possible. He would save up some money and maybe make a trust fund for the baby in which Pam would only know about. Maybe when the baby turned eighteen it could use it for college or something…

He knew he wanted Pam to send photos if possible, but besides that as little contact that he had with her he knew it would be for the better.

Watching Jim and her laugh holding onto each other he knew he couldn't take it. Quickly he cleared his throat and let go of Kelly's hand.

Kelly looked at him confused.

"What is it?"

Ryan began slipping towards the exit as everyone began to clap.

"I don't feel so well…"

He left as fast as she could, quickly loosening his tie before stumbling to his parked car. Leaning against it he dug for his inhaler and took a deep breath. That's when he gritted his teeth together and snapped his eyes shut. Reaching down to the crotch of his slacks he brought his fingers back up and saw blood.

His stomach rolled, his stitches must have torn. Leaning against his car, feeling a fever like ache overcome his body along with the horrible throbbing from all over he closed his eyes and sniffled in a tear.

He needed to go back to the emergency room.

Fumbling for his car door he opened it and fell inside. That's when he burst into tears.

_**Later that night…**_

Pam had danced her final dance with Jim and felt exhausted. Laughing she walked over to her table in the dining room as everyone was happily getting drunk and enjoying the evening. Looking around, she noticed she hadn't seen Ryan at all.

Going over to Kelly she pulled her aside.

"Have you seen Ryan?"

"Oh I got a text from him like an hour ago. I guess his stitches came out so he drove back home."

"Really? Alone?"

"Yeah I know! He said he's fine and that he went to the emergency room. He's home now icing himself. Pretty awful way to spend the weekend huh? I hope this won't mess up his chances to ever have children."

Pam felt suddenly very sick.


	7. Chapter 7

_**Two months later**_

The following Monday after the wedding everyone returned to Dunder Mifflin in good moods and full of great stories from the weekend. Ryan was the first to arrive to the office which was unusual since Dwight made it a point to always arrive an hour before everyone else.

The past twenty-four hours were a complete nightmare. Ryan arrived in Scranton before sunset and quickly drove himself to the emergency room. Calling his mother, she arrived a half an hour later pale in the face and worried. The doctor's explained Ryan should be fine but had to take the next couple of days really easy so the stitches came out. Following his mother back home she fixed him up on the couch and scolded him for not coming home right away. Ryan simply laid back before Rusty licked his hand.

"Mom it's really no big deal…"

His mother made a face before heading into the kitchen to make him some tea.

"With my luck you won't be able to give me grandchildren now!"

Somehow hearing this made Ryan burst out laughing. He laughed until every part of him hurt and tears rolled down his eyes. At one point his mother poked her head in the doorway eyeing him with nervous eyes. Either thinking he was crazy or high.

That night he didn't sleep a wink.

So the next day he tried to keep busy. He stayed mostly in the background listening to what a great time the wedding was and all sorts of cute little stories about Pam and Jim. At one point Erin brought out her camera and began showing everyone photos in the break room. Ryan who was getting himself a soda glanced over everyone's shoulders and saw a photo of Pam in her wedding dress on the dance floor with Jim laughing, looking as if she didn't have a care in the world.

Finding it too hard to look at he quickly went back to his desk and buried himself in useless work until the end of the day.

The week seemed to drag on forever, finally the following Monday Pam and Jim arrived with stories of how amazing their honeymoon was. Ryan felt sick to his stomach and hid in the back trying to avoid them. Finally at one point before the end of the day after a big blow up between Pam and Michael over Michael sleeping with Pam's mother who had just separated with Pam's father earlier that year…Ryan received a text.

_Need to talk, meet me behind the warehouse. – Pam_

Ryan slipped out without anything noticing. Once he was outside he saw her standing there looking very upset. Ryan gulped and walked over before Pam stared up at him.

"Crazy day huh?"

"Yeah…"

"Listen Ryan…"

Ryan shoved his hands in his pockets and kicked a pebble away.

"No it's okay Pam. We made a decision and I think it's the smart decision, don't you agree?"

Pam nodded but seemed to struggle doing so.

"It's so weird, I can just look at Jim and feel amazed that I'm now married to the man I love…that I finally have my life put together and that I'm happy and then something stupid like Michael today makes me really take a second to let the reality sink in and I remember that I'm lying to Jim. That it isn't his baby I'm carrying and that I'm planning on lying to him and the baby for the rest of my life…what kind of person am I Ryan?"

Ryan honestly didn't know if he could go through this again.

"You're a good person Pam, and you're an even better mother knowing Jim is the right guy for you. Yeah physically it's my baby…but it's really Jim's. I bet from the second he found out you were pregnant you knew that."

Pam tried to control her tears.

"I'm just…so scared."

Ryan reached over and gently touched her arm trying to smile.

"You're a good person Pam, don't ever second guess that."

Pam forced a smile back before sniffling in.

"So…what now?"

Ryan smiled.

"Live your life. Be happy and let Jim take good care of you and the baby."

"And you?"

Ryan really didn't know if he was ready to tell her this. All this past week he had been making plans, not even his mother knew.

"After the holidays I'm going to transfer."

Pam froze.

"What?"

Ryan nodded.

"Remember when I told you I thought it would be best. I just think it would be better if I wasn't around. I'm not running away Pam…I need to make that clear to you. I just…well I looked around in the temp agency and there's a really good job in Boston, good pay and easy hours. I've talked with a friend of mine from over there and he needs a roommate and…"

Pam looked at him, completely helpless before Ryan took a breath. He felt as if everything was spinning.

"I-I…just think it might be better if I'm not around. I mean we could figure out some way if you wanted to…maybe send me a photo of the baby or something, but I think you'll agree it might be better if I'm not part of it's life."

Pam nodded.

"Yeah…"

"I'm sorry Pam."

Pam shook her head.

"No…it's okay."

"It isn't. I'm the reason your upset…I'm the reason why you have to worry…"

"Ryan if I remember when 'it' happened…I was there as well."

Ryan smiled before Pam nodded.

"It's going to be tough not having you to talk to."

Ryan smiled before leaning over and quickly kissing her cheek, much like the time he did so on the stairwell.

"Don't worry…you got yourself, and your husband."

Just then they heard the warehouse workers begin to head out for their lunch break. Quickly the two stepped away from each other before Ryan smiled.

"See you around Pam."

Pam nodded before quickly reaching into her purse.

"Wait…"

She took out a small black folded piece of plastic paper, it was nearly see though.

"I want…you to have this. I know it's stupid but…"

Ryan looked down at it and smiled.

"Is this…"

Pam nodded.

"Only Jim and I know."

Ryan stared down at it in complete awe before looking up at Pam.

"Thank-you Pam."

Pam smiled before walking towards the front of the building.

Ryan stared down at the plastic piece of paper for what seemed like a lifetime before shoving it in his pocket. Somehow he felt funny, a feeling he couldn't explain.

That night he laid awake in his bedroom staring at the piece of paper, which was in fact a copy of Pam's ultrasound photo. Holding it up and staring at it Ryan felt amazed and a tiny part of him felt extremely lonely and jealous. He could see in his mind Jim and Pam together at the doctor's office, holding hands before looking at the screen and smiling at each other before Jim kissed her…

That was his baby…not Jim's.

He forced that thought away before looking at the photo.

A girl…Pam was having a little girl.

"A daughter…"

Ryan softly said under his breath as he laid there. Staring at it, he didn't sleep for a very long time.

_**December 2009**_

"Okay! One, two, three! Open your eyes!"

Pam opened her eyes and right away gasped. Jim stood beside her beaming proudly as he stood back as Pam entered the doorway of their spare bedroom in their new house.

A nursery…

Jim had done it all himself.

For the last two weeks Jim had kept that room locked, Pam wondered what he was up to and now here it was.

The theme was baby circus animals. The wooden crib had beautiful gypsy colored bedding with reds, purples, gold's, and oranges. The moil hanging above was what appeared to be something bought in an antique shop. There were tiny baby elephants, tigers, and bears hanging above. The wallpaper had them dancing as well, everything was there and in place.

It was…perfect.

Pam turned, completely shocked to Jim who nervously waited for approvable.

"So…do you like it?"

Pam smiled before throwing herself in Jim's arms and kissing him like a madwoman. Laughing between the kisses he held her.

"I take that as a yes?"

"I love it Jim! Thank-you so much!"

Jim smiled kissing the top of her head.

"Merry Christmas baby."

Pam smiles before standing on her tiptoes and kissing him, feeling like the luckiest woman in the world.

_**Across town…**_

Ryan stood upstairs in his bedroom wearing jeans and a T-shirt. A cigarette hanging from his mouth he looks over his few packed boxes.

He knows he's been stalling.

Coughing deeply, he takes the cigarette and walks over to his open window. It's freezing outside but he knows if his mother smells the smoke she'll kill him. Flicking the smoke out he coughs again, his lungs burning and knows how stupid it was to smoke, but knew it was the only thing other than drugs that calmed his nerves. Looking outside the sky looks an icy black, there's a million stars in the sky.

He doesn't know if he really wants to go to Boston.

Yet it seems like the only way. Sighing, he runs his hand through his hair and thinks back on what seemed like the longest two months of his life.

He kept to himself, burying himself with busy work and trying to stay out as much drama as possible. He barley saw Pam, which was what he wanted. A few times in the meeting room, once in a while whenever he had to make a copy. Every time he would catch her staring at him and quickly look away. He knew he wasn't right and prayed as soon as he finally left Dunder Mifflin she could finally love on with her life.

Her stomach grew fast underneath her loose fitting blouses, somehow it felt like a heavy weight replaced his heart whenever he caught her sitting at her desk with her hands neatly folded over the bump that was slowly growing.

Each time he saw this he knew it was his baby growing inside, a baby he would never know, a baby that would be raised by another man.

He pushes these thoughts away, often late at night he would stare at the ultrasound and feel his heart break. A few times he would catch himself crying and quickly wipe the tears away. He knew it was stupid but here he was, twenty-nine years old and still a complete screw up. He had messed up his career, embarrassed himself, and burned all the bridges he had left. Now one afternoon, one stupid half an hour losing control and falling against a dusty used poker table and lead him to this. Could he honestly live the rest of his knowing he had a daughter, a daughter that was raised by another man. A daughter who he would never see born, or hold, or watch grow up. A part of him living somewhere else never knowing he existed.

He loved Pam, that much was clear. He knew it the second he came back with his tail between his legs after serving time in prison and losing his job in New York that he had truly messed up everything. He remembered when he came to visit when he was still working in the city, thinking his new style and cocky attitude would make everyone be in complete awe of him and forget the fact he started off as a shy little temp. He remembered asking Pam would doing artwork on the website and asking her out as if women were drying to get that same chance.

He was shut down.

"No…"

"Um, what? It's just dinner?"

"I'm…dating Jim now."

"You're kidding me…"

Jim then waved his hand, staring at his computer. This killed him and he hated the fact those stupid cameras were on as his heart was shattered into pieces. He finally found the courage to ask her out after all these years and she said no.

First there was Roy, then he was stuck with Kelly. After the scene Pam made on beach day he knew her true feeling for Jim. Now when he thought he could finally impress them, thinking that they were both single…it fell apart.

He always thought she was cute, but after finding out she was with Jim he remembered all those times they shared and how his little crush blossomed into something else…

That entire time in jail he thought of her.

When she came back from art school she looked down at him as if he was a cockroach. He remembered after she shut him down all those times he acted like a jerk to her because he wanted her to feel as bad as he did the day she said no to their date. Feeling sorry, he kept away.

As soon as he was offered that rehab in Florida, he lied and ran away…trying his hardest to forget. He had made so many mistakes…

When he saw her that day in the bowling alley he could of died. He tried to still hold up that defense of acting like a jerk to her to show that he hadn't been hurt. This went on for a few weeks as they sat side by side at The Michael Scott Paper Company, barley able to stand each other.

Then…that afternoon happened.

Why hadn't he worn a condom? Why had he even slept with her to begin with? Just because of that one time he was now in this mess. He hated himself for letting this happen.

Still, he wondered why Pam had waited so long? Maybe because she was scared, maybe because she was terrified that it really was him? Fearing her future and life with Jim would be ruined. Still, she had waited…and would she have even gotten the abortion if she found out earlier? He honestly didn't know.

Just last week he told Michael in a few weeks he would be leaving Dunder Mifflin and moving to Boston. Michael of course made a scene, jumping up from his desk and hugging him so tight Ryan didn't think he would be able to breathe.

"No! I've lost you too many times!"

Ryan rolled his eyes as Michael sobbed against him. His office door open, Pam turned slightly in her chair and watched. Hearing everything she sighed.

He was really going through with this.

Now Ryan stood in his bedroom, not knowing if running away would solve things. All he wanted as for Pam to be happy.

Tomorrow was the Christmas party and then they were off until the 5th of next month. Ryan planned on not returning and heading out to Boston New Year's Day. His mother, who had no idea about Pam nor the baby thought it would be a good idea If he changed his surroundings for a while.

Ryan sighed, he really didn't even want to go in tomorrow. Yes it would be his last day, but he hadn't told Michael that. He just planned on not showing up at all after the holidays. He needed out, most of all with Pam's due date coming up so soon.

Maybe the baby would be born on Valentine's day…

He thought suddenly. He really didn't know why he was thinking about such things. Sitting on his bed he stretched out and snapped on his radio.

Christmas music was softly playing. Snoopy vs. The Red Baron came on, one of his favorite Christmas songs when he was younger. Reaching into his nightstand draw, he took out the ultrasound and stared at it before one single tear rolled down his face.

_**The next day…**_

Ryan couldn't wait to leave. Checking his watch, he saw it was nearly six-thirty and that knowing Michael the party would more than likely go on until eleven or twelve. This year's party was really low-key. Of course Michael bent the rules away and brought booze, enough to even have Meredith borderline passed out in the meeting room.

Andy was playing his guitar and singing Christmas songs for everyone. The tree was lit up and it had just begun to snow outside. Ryan stood back, trying to keep his distance from Kelly who always became very 'overwhelming' when she had a few drinks in her. Deciding to go into the staff kitchen for a cup of black coffee to sober him up before heading out, he slipped away and closed the door behind him before pouring himself a mug.

The Carol Of The Bells began being played from the other room. Ryan leaned against the counter slowly sipping his coffee and looking around. He couldn't believe it had nearly been five years since he first started working here. Now he was planning on leaving it all behind.

Just then the door opened and Pam walked in, wearing a red blouse which showed off her pregnant stomach perfectly. Her hair was pinned back and she looked beautiful. Right away she stopped for a second seeing him. This was the first time the two had been along in the same room for a long time. Looking at him she forced a smile.

"Hey."

Ryan smiled.

"Hey Pam."

"Not joining the party?"

Ryan looked through the door and shrugged.

"I'm heading out soon before the roads get too bad."

"Big plans for the holidays?"

"No, not really. Spending it with my mother…low key. What about you?"

"Umm, we're going to my parent's."

"Nice."

"Yeah…"

It felt so awkward both couldn't stand it. Ryan dropped his eyes and stared into his coffee mug. Pam went over to the counter and took a Christmas cookie Angela had baked and nibbled on one.

"So, you're really leaving in a couple of weeks?"

Ryan looked at her, he didn't know if he could take this.

"Yeah, all packed and everything…"

"Cool…"

Her gray eyes then lifted and stared at him.

"Can I email you once and a while?"

"Of course…"

"I would…"

Her voice dropped down low.

"Send you photos of the baby, you said you wanted that right?"

Ryan nodded.

"Yeah…I really would."

Just then Pam looked down at herself and smiled. Ryan looked at her.

"What is it?"

Pam rubbed her stomach.

"It's the baby, she's kicking up a storm."

Ryan smiled.

"Really?"

"Yeah, do you…want to feel?"

Ryan suddenly felt sick, stepping away for a second he looked around. Embarrassed and nervous.

"Ummm, I don't…"

Pam took his free hand and lead it to her stomach.

"Come on, it won't bite…"

Ryan set down his coffee and watched as his hand was pressed against the silky fabric of her blouse and then against the gentle slope of her stomach. Right away the faintest kick came, it pressed against Ryan's palm.

Ryan's eyes widened in amazement.

"Oh my God!"

Ryan smiled before Pam laughed.

"She kicks a lot whenever your around…maybe because of heart speeds up or something…"

Pam fumbled over her words as Ryan felt the baby kick again and smiled, he honestly couldn't believe the two of them had made that.

"It's amazing…"

Pam smiled studying Ryan's face.

"I'm going to miss you Ryan."

Ryan's eyes lifted and looked at her before smiling.

"So, you got a name picked out for this little girl yet?"

Pam smiled.

"Regan."

"Regan…"

Ryan looked down at her stomach and smiled as he said the name under his breath. Somehow it seemed perfect.

"That's pretty."

"Ryan…"

Her voice was even lower.

"I…"

Ryan and her became lost in each other's eyes, they stared at each other before slowly their faces became close, their lips just inches away from each other. Ryan tilted his head to the side, going in to kiss her. Forgetting everything around him, just becoming lost.

The baby kept kicking, his hand still on her stomach.

Just as their lips were about to touch…

"HEY!"

Pam and Ryan jumped back, their hearts in their throats. Pam's entire body froze before her wide gray eyes drifted over to the side and saw Jim standing in the doorway, his eyes outraged.

A few people who weren't listening to Andy looked over from the other room, confused and interested.

Pam felt as if she was in a daze, she blinked hoping it would just go away. Suddenly her biggest fear she had spent so many sleepless night since that fateful afternoon she slept with Ryan came crashing down.

"Jim…"

Her voice was barely above a whisper, she never saw Jim look this way. In fact, she had never seen Jim angry before. But angry wasn't the right word…he looked completely different. As if he was going to kill them. It terrified Pam.

Jim charged towards Ryan and suddenly a flash appeared before Pam's mind. Back when Roy had entered the office and charged towards Jim and Karen.

No…this couldn't be happening.

"JIM NO!"

She cried out but it was too late. Jim who was a good foot taller than Ryan took him by the shoulders and shoved him against the counters with all his might. A few coffee mugs and spoons that were sitting on it tumbled off and crashed to the floor shattering.

Pam cried out and that's when the music stopped in the other room, people began rushing over to the open door to see what was going on.

"WHY WERE YOU TOUCHING MY WIFE?!"

Jim shouted in Ryan's face. Ryan then fought his left arm free and shoved Jim back as hard as he could. Jim took two stumbling feet back before swinging over and punching Ryan square in the jaw. Ryan fell back again, getting balance by holding onto the counter. Pam jumped back crying as Michael, Andy, and Toby were struggling to get through the door.

Dwight meanwhile was trying to go around back and come through the other door.

"JIM STOP!"

Pam cried. Ryan's lip was bleeding now, winding out his right hand he punched Jim, this time right in the shoulder. Jim's eyes were wild, grabbing Ryan he brought his knee up between Ryan's legs with all his might.

"YOU FUCKING LITTLE PUNK!"

Ryan's color completely drained from his face, his eyes widening he nearly doubled over before trying to grab onto the shoulder. A horrible wheezing sound beginning to come from his chest. Jim stood back, his hair sticking up and his face flushed with color.

Just then Dwight came in, pepper spray ready. Pam waved her hands.

"DWIGHT NO!"

Dwight froze and nervously eyed Jim and Ryan who was barely able to stand up. Jim tried to catch his breath while Ryan struggled to get his. Everyone was looking, and besides Ryan's wheezing, there was dead silence.

Ryan then pushed past Dwight, struggling not to fall and burst out the back door. Michael finally fought his way into the staff kitchen, nearly knocking Toby over.

"RYAN! RYAN!"

But he was gone.

Meredith came into the crowded kitchen, a drink in hand.

"What the hell was that all about?"

That's when Pam couldn't take it anymore, running out the same way Ryan went, the door banged shut. Everyone looked at each other before Jim shook his head and followed her. After a few moments of complete silence Andy came in looking puzzled before nervously smiling.

"Hey it isn't a party until there's a fight! Come on let's sing!"

Erin who nervously eyed before decided to join in and quickly change the mood. Clapping her hands Andy and her moved back to the main room while everyone else was looking at each other, wondering what the hell had just happened.

_**Outside… **_

Pam nearly burst through the glass door leading outside. It was snowing really bad now and right away she was freezing.

She caught Ryan struggling to get into his car.

"RYAN!"

Ryan looked over and stared at her.

"GO INSIDE PAM!"

Pam ran across the parking-lot, nearly slipping on the black ice. Reaching him, she saw his lip all ready swelling. Stopping, her eyes were a big as marbles, and glassed over with tears.

"Ryan are you all right?"

Ryan quickly reached into his pocket and took his inhaler out before triggering it. Looking at her, he seemed exhausted.

"Pam just go inside…"

Pam reached over and gently touched his lip.

"Ryan please…"

"Go inside Pam, go!"

"NO!"

Ryan seemed stunned and stared at her as they stood beside his car.

Pam looked at his carefully, her eyes studying his.

"I love Jim Ryan, that's why I risked all of this…but I can't stop pretending and lying to myself! I'm having your baby! I haven't stopped thinking about you since it happened! I keep telling myself it was a mistake but I can't help it! I love Jim but I don't want to be with him! This isn't his baby! I LOVE YOU!"

Ryan stood back shocked, Pam lowered her head and begun to cry before Ryan shook his head.

"Go back inside Pam…"

Pam lifted her head.

"You don't love me…"

Ryan reached over, touching her face.

"I've loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you…"

"Then let's go! Right now! We'll leave everything behind!"

"Pam you have a life here!"

"I life I now know I hate! This happened for a reason Ryan, please take me with you…"

Ryan looked down at her stomach heartbroken.

"I would love nothing than to take you and the baby away…but Pam I'm such a…"

Before he could say anything Pam kissed him as hard as she could, clinging onto him with all her might. Once the kiss broke both looked at each other.

"I'm leaving Jim…I can't stop pretending."

"Is…this…w-what…you w-w-ant?"

Pam smiled pressing her forehead against his, her fingers lacing against each other.

"More than anything in the world. We'll leave tonight and never look back. Just the three of us…"

His slowly moved his hand against her stomach, the baby still kicking. Ryan smiled before Pam kissed him again.

"I love you Ryan Howard."

Ryan smiled before she nuzzled her head against his.

"Go home, right now. I'll meet you there."

"But…"

"I need to tell Jim."

"I should be there…"

"No, you don't know him. I need to go this myself. You shouldn't be here."

"Pam…"

"Listen to me. I'll be at your house in an hour, I'll call if there's a problem."

"Pam what if he does something…"

Pam looked very sad as she stared at him.

"He won't…he loves him, and he's a much better person then I could ever be."

"Pam this is serious, are you sure this is what you want?"

Pam kissed him before nodding.

"It was a mistake to marry him, and I regret all the pain I've caused him. Jim's a good man Ryan…remember that. But it isn't far to myself or him to lie anymore."

"Pam…"

"Go, call the airlines, book two tickets to Boston tomorrow. I'll pack my things as quick as I can once it's over. We'll leave an never look back…"

"This is crazy…"

Pam laughed through her tears, snow still falling around them.

"I know, that's why it seems right."

"But Pam…I have nothing to give you or the baby. My hands are empty."

Pam looked down before taking his hand in hers and gently kissing it.

"They're not empty anymore."

Ryan smiled before Pam kissed him and made him get in the car. Ryan looked at her once more before she stepped back towards the building and watched him begin to go. A heavy weight had been lifted from her chest. She now knew she made the right choice.

Pam felt tears begin to blur her vision before the door behind her slammed open. Turnings she saw Jim. Stopping, slightly out of breath he looked at her. His eyes confused.

Just then Ryan's car peeled out of the parking-lot. Pam cried out by the noise his tires made nearly skidding out. The roads were horrible, and the snow was coming down thick.

"Pam?"

Pam turned, her insides shaking.

Jim reached over to touch her but she jumped back, quickly shaking her head.

"I'M SORRY!"

"Sorry? For what? Pam what happened? Why was he bothering you?"

Pam couldn't let him touch her. Holding back from tears she quickly shook her head.

"Jim…"

He stared at her, snowflakes falling down around them. Pam then took a deep breath.

"I never meant to hurt you. I was just so scared…please understand that."

"What are you talking about?"

Pam looked at him.

"The baby…it isn't yours."

Jim blinked.

"W-what?"

Pam bit down on her bottom lip trying to control her tears.

Jim just stared at her.

"Pam…"

His voice was uneven; this was killing her to do.

"It was only once, a mistake…I never meant to hurt you."

Jim seemed confused and in shock. Tears of his own were starting to form in his eyes.

"But…who?"

That's when he stopped, it looked as if somebody had just plunged a knife in his chest.

"Oh Jesus…"

"Jim I'm so sorry…"

Jim took a step back, his face in complete shock. Slowly he began to shake his head.

"No…please no…"

"Jim I…"

"STOP!"

He snapped so loudly it made Pam jump. Shaking his head tears began to fall from his eyes.

"Pam no…please no…"

"I'm so sorry, it was once and I was so scared to tell you…"

"Did you know this entire time?"

"Jim…"

"DID YOU?!"

Pam began to cry.

"I'm so sorry! I love you so much and I never wanted to hurt you! Please Jim!"

Pam tried to touch his arm but Jim shook it off, his eyes wild.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!"

Pam cried.

Jim began to pace as the snow kept falling.

"This can't be happening…oh God this can't be happening…"

"I never meant to hurt you Jim."

"WHY DID YOU MARRY ME! WHY!"

"BECAUSE I THOUGHT I COULD MAKE IT WORK! THAT I LOVED YOU AND I KNEW HOW MUCH YOU LOVED THE BABY! I WANTED IT TO WORK SO BAD JIM!"

Jim just stared at her.

"You love him don't you…"

"Jim…"

"Get away from me…"

"Jim…"

"GET AWAY!"

Pam cried jumping back before looking around, she knew she had done this and couldn't stop it from happening. Jim now cried staring at her.

"I loved you…I loved this baby…how dare you…you bitch!"

Pam now knew, she had broke Jim's heart. Tears spilling down her face, her heart told her this couldn't never be fixed. Stepping away, she felt the car keys in her pocket. She needed to run, keep running until the pain went away.

"I'm sorry Jim…"

Turning, she ran to the car as quickly as she could. Starting then engine she burst into tears before speeding out of the parking-lot. She needed to get to Ryan…he would make this all better.

Jim watched the car peel out of the parking-lot, swerving from side to side from the ice. Standing there from a second he felt as if he was awoken and was stuck in a horrible nightmare. He felt numb.

Turning, he punched the building wall as hard as he could, bringing blood to his knuckles.

This was the last time he ever saw Pam alive.

_**At Ryan's house…**_

His mother wasn't home.

That was good,

She was over some friend's house for a party. The house was deserted other than Rusty who was asleep in the hall. Ryan came in, nearly dropping his keys before hurrying to the phone. Everything was a blur, but somehow he felt the happiest he had felt ever since the afternoon he slept with Pam.

Grabbing the phonebook he began to flip through it for the airlines. He was going to try and book them a flight as early as late tonight. He knew because of the holidays the airports would be a nightmare but it seemed right.

If his mother wasn't home by the time they left he would write her a quick note, telling her he would call later on and explain everything. He didn't care.

Thinking of Pam being with him his heart began to pound.

He was taking her and his baby away from his horrible town, and they were never going to look back.

_**On the road…**_

The windshield wipers weren't working as good as they were supposed to. Pam was trying to hurry along, going just a little above sixty. She wanted to get to Ryan's as soon as possible…maybe he could make this horrible aching in his heart go away.

Blinking away tears she suddenly knew her future was completely unknown. Her mind told her this was a stupid risk. That she had just burned all her bridges and broke the heart of the one man who truly loved her.

But her heart told her she was doing the right thing. That she couldn't go on living her life pretending and lying to Jim. That deep down inside she had always loved Ryan and that's why she didn't look at the results right away. That part of her was truly grateful knowing it was Ryan's baby and not Jim's.

She didn't know if they would make it, but they had to try.

She loved Ryan…

_**2007**_

Jim had just asked her out on a date.

Pam couldn't believe it.

Sitting behind her desk she couldn't help but smile and feel completely thrilled. Life had taken a turn for the best in just the last couple of hours.

Just then Ryan came through the staff kitchen, a wide grin spread across his face. Just a few minutes ago Pam had transferred a call from David Wallace to him and never seemed to put two and two together.

Strolling over, Ryan went to copier and was humming. Pam looked over and smiled.

"What are you so happy about?"

Ryan looked over, his blue eyes sparking.

"Let's just say it's been a good day."

Pam smiled back at him.

"Yeah, I know what you mean."

Ryan grinned before taking his paper and tapping Pam a wink. Less than a week later, he would be gone to New York, and Pam would have just begun dating Jim.

Little did the two know, that a year or so later both would have a daughter. A daughter they would never get to see together.

_**Present **_

It happened so fast.

Pam felt her car begin to skid on the exit ramp and began to slow down, the windshield was barley clear of snow as Pam tried using her hand to wipe away the fog that had developed on the inside. She couldn't see two feet ahead of her from the flying snow.

That's when a large green SUV began speeding along doing at least seventy.

Pam just had time to see the blinding headlights through her window. The only thing she was able to go was gasp before the impact happened.

Right before everything went black and the horrible sound of crunching metal and glass surrounded her she thought to herself…

"Oh dear God please let my baby be okay…please."


	8. Chapter 8

Jim stood in the lobby, sitting on the plastic bench with his head down in-between his knees. Taking deep breath he honestly didn't know what to do. Within the space of ten minutes his entire world had shattered and fell apart. How could this have happened?

That's when his cell phone went off. Not even wanting to answer it, he reached into his pocket and took it out, knowing if it was anyone upstairs he would just hang up and figure out a way home.

He didn't know the number.

Opening it up, his bloodshot eyes stared ahead. Hank meanwhile was sleeping peacefully behind his desk with his feet up, unaware any of this was happening.

"Hello?"

Jim listened before his face went completely blank, feeling his fingertips become numb he almost dropped his cell.

"Wait…what?"

_**Across town…**_

Ryan was trying to pack one suitcase as fast as he could before trying to figure out how he could get to his bank accounts before morning. That's when his cell phone rang as well.

Opening it quickly, a smile spread across his face.

"Pam?"

That's when he listened, at first confused and then found it impossible to breath.

_**At St. Michael's Hospital…**_

Ryan was the first to arrive, it was so bad out his car skidded twice before nearly finally parking sidewise and rushing through the ambulance bay. There was black ice, and he found his chest burning from his airway tightening. Running in, he almost slipped before going to the nurse's desk.

"Hello, a woman was just brought in…she was in car crash."

Each word Ryan struggled to say, he was out of breath and scared. The police officer on the line at the hospital clammed Pam had gotten into a real serious wreck, that she was being rushed to this hospital and that she had muttered something about heading over to his house and that he was the father of her baby.

Right away Ryan felt faint.

"Is Pam all right? The baby?"

"Listen Mr. Howard, I can't give you details…would you like us to send a cruiser over?"

"No, I'll be right there!"

"Please don't get yourself killed on the way…"

Ryan hung up and raced over.

Now he stood there, not knowing the doctor's had contacted Jim since he was on her emergency contact list. The nurse looked up at him.

"Name?"

"Pam Beesly…Pam Halpert."

"And you're her husband?"

"I'm…ummm…"

Just then the doctor came out, heading in Ryan's direction. Ryan stood up, his hands shaking and his eyes wide. Just then the main lobby doors opened and Jim raced in, Angela behind him. Stopping dead in his tracks he saw Ryan and his eyes narrowed. Racing over, he looked at the doctor with terrified eyes. Somehow all the anger and shock he had disappeared, he just wanted to make sure Pam was okay.

The doctor looked at the two of them.

"Who's the husband?"

Jim and Ryan eyed each other before Jim raised his hand.

"I am, Jim Halpert…"

The doctor looked at Ryan.

"Are you a family member?"

Before Ryan could answer Jim stepped forward, his face pale and terrified.

"Is Pam okay?"

"Let's step into the back room so we can talk…"

Jim began to walk with the doctor towards the large swinging doors, Ryan hesitated for a moment before following. Jim then turned around looking at him.

"Haven't you done enough?! She was probably speeding heading to your house!"

Ryan's brow wrinkled.

"Are you fucking kidding me man?"

"ENOUGH!"

Both men jumped as Angela walked over, her coat now off and draped over her arms. She stood between the two men and the very uncomfortable doctor.

"I don't know what happened back at the office, but enough is enough! Both of you go in! This isn't time to fight and rip each other apart! Pam or her baby could be hurt! So ENOUGH!"

Jim and Ryan's eyes dropped before silently following the doctor. Angela meanwhile stood there before the nurse with uneasy eyes held up a clipboard.

"Are you a family member?"

_**In the other room…**_

The doctor lead them over to a small room, a waiting room almost but there was nobody inside. Right away Ryan's stomach froze, he knew exactly what these rooms were used for.

The doctor turned, his face stone set. Jim and Ryan stood side by side.

"She' okay right?"

The doctor sighed deeply.

"Your wife…"

The doctor looked at Jim and Ryan at the same time as he said this. Most likely not fully understanding the relationship between both men and the woman who had been rushed in.

"Was involved in a very serious crash, as you both know the roads were bad and its seemed another car was speeding and hit your wife on her side. The driver in the other car had some scratches and bruises but your wife wasn't wearing her seatbelt. The ambulance was there right away but she was internally bleeding…"

Ryan couldn't breathe; standing beside Jim suddenly everything slowly began to fall out of focus.

"Our paramedics tried everything they could, but her heart stopped and…"

Jim's face crumbled.

"NO!"

Jim almost fell forward, as the doctor continued in a very calm and low voice.

"We worked on her for nearly twenty minutes but she wasn't responding. Since she was internally bleeding so quickly we did an emergency C-section to get the baby out. It's premature but was rushed to the NICU right away."

"She's…d-d-dead…"

The doctor nodded.

"I'm afraid so."

Jim then with all his might punched Ryan in the arm.

"YOU FUCKING BASTARD!"

Ryan didn't even move, instead he just stood there frozen. His eyes wide and beginning to fill with confused tears.

"I have to tell you again, we tried everything we could. We made a decision on taking the baby out, her lungs aren't fully developed and neither was her heart. I don't mean to be grim but she might not even make it through the night with the trauma. If you wish to see your wife she's in the other room. I'm so sorry…"

Jim's knees buckled, falling to the floor he screamed hunching over. A hopeless moan escaped him as Ryan's color drained completely from his face.

The doctor went to his knees to help Jim while Ryan stood there in complete shock. It hadn't even fully hit him yet.

No, Pam wasn't dead…she couldn't be.

A sudden thought went through his mind, he remembered years ago when she was engaged to Roy. How she had Kelly and him help with the invitations. How for days they just sat in the meeting room talking and stuffing envelopes.

Blinking, he found himself in the small room, Jim screaming and everything frozen around him. Just an hour ago Pam and him were together, she admitted she loved him and was going to leave with him…they were going to have a baby…

A baby…"

A nurse came in, going down to the floor to help Jim as the doctor stood, his face grave.

Ryan blinked again, still feeling dizzy.

"The baby…it was a girl."

The doctor eyed Jim as a second nurse came in to help, Jim was having a complete breakdown.

"Yes, it was."

Regan…

Ryan thought, feeling sick he spoke like a person in a deep daze.

"I'm…the baby's father, can I see her?"

"I don't know if you can exactly see her, but hold on."

Ryan nodded before looking down at Jim and feeling nothing but numbness and pity.

_**A few minutes later… **_

Ryan could only look through a large window that looked into the NICU. In an incubator was his daughter.

He could barely see her, she was surrounded by a million tubes, she looked so tiny.

Ryan's fingertips touched the glass.

He remembered that afternoon downstairs when Pam and him were working at The Michael Scott Paper Company. That one half an hour resulted in this.

What was he going to do?

Pam…how could she be dead? This wasn't possible. He had just seen her, no…God couldn't be that cruel.

His eyes watered up with tears, he couldn't even think a minute ahead. What if the baby died? What if this was all that was left…he was the reason Pam was dead. He was the reason why his baby was struggling to breath…it was all his fault.

That's when Ryan broke down crying.

"Pam…please…"

His voice broke off as he began to sob, lowering his head that was all he could do. The nurses inside looked at him, exchanging looks knowing he must have been the husband of the woman who died tonight.

_**Later that night…**_

Jim was sedated, his parents, and Pam's parents had been called.

Ryan sat alone on a bench outside of the NICU, his head down and his heart hurting.

He needed a hit more than anything now.

He hadn't even called his mother.

That's when he heard footsteps.

Looking up, he saw Pam's mother. Her eyes lost and raw from crying. Her face drawn with shock and grief. She had tissues in her hand.

"Your Ryan?"

Ryan nodded.

"Have…you…seen the baby?"

Ryan nodded again.

That's when Pam's mother burst out crying, sitting down beside him she sobbed into her hands. Ryan sat there completely blank before slowly putting his arm around her, he didn't even know how to comfort her…he was lost in his own grief.

"Pam told Jim didn't she?"

"Yeah…"

"Why? Why my little girl? Oh God…"

Her voice broke off again and they just sat there for a very long time. Finally, what seemed like an hour or so later Pam's mother wiped her eyes and stared at him.

"Pam told me everything, a few days ago she said how she honestly thought she made the right choice, but wasn't so sure anymore."

"You knew?"

Pam's mother nodded.

"I think she really loved you, she kept telling me how you pushed her to marry Jim since you knew her and the baby would be taken care of. She loved Jim…but…she was going to leave him, I could feel it."

Ryan didn't say a word of what Pam and him had planned. He couldn't believe that if none of this had happened the two of them would be sitting side by side on an airplane headed to Boston.

"I don't know you Ryan, but I do know you're the father of my granddaughter and that my…my…Pam is gone…"

Her words broke off again and she cried, she cried until she couldn't cry anymore. Ryan just sat there, thinking over and over about little times they shared over the years.

Like how they were bought out and came back to Dunder Mifflin. How Dwight was being a jerk while he was trying to make a sales call and how Pam stuck up for him. Just a week or so before they had slept together, and she even if she didn't know it yet was pregnant.

"The baby might die."

Ryan spoke, his throat dry and his eyes staring ahead.

Pam's mother looked at him.

"Yeah, the doctor's said so."

It was now Ryan's turn to break down, his head lowered he cried. His entire body began to ache, the pure shock he was in made everything fall apart. Why hadn't he just overdosed in New York? Why had any of this happened? He couldn't take it, nor let his mind wrap around it.

Pam's mother held him.

"Jim's parents don't know…but my husband does. I can't even look at them…I can't even think straight."

Ryan kept crying, his body shaking, he cried until it finally hurt.

"Would you like to see her? My husband and Jim's parents are making arrangements and they wanna come upstairs soon, you shouldn't be there."

Ryan sniffled.

"I don't think I can take this…"

Pam's mother gave Ryan the comfort he couldn't find. Holding him, she helped him up and they began to head downstairs.

_**Downstairs…**_

Pam's mother left to join the others. They would be going upstairs to talk to the doctor's about the baby, and then Pam would be taken away.

Ryan didn't know where Jim was, nor cared.

He stood in the empty room and didn't think he could take it. Pam was covered up to her neck with a sheet. Her face white, and her eyes peaceful and closed. Her beautiful red hair now was lifeless as dead wire. Ryan stood there feeling sick.

Walking over, his hand trembled before he touched her now cold skin.

That's when Ryan's eyes snapped shut and he cried out in a helpless lost voice.

"Please come back Pam! Please! I loved you!"

_**Two days later…**_

While some people unwrapped gifts, had parties, and got together with their friends and loved ones…a group of people stood together at St. Christopher's cemetery as snow fell around them.

Pam's white coffin was covered in red roses, they were in the small chapel in the center of the cemetery. Thin winter light spilled through the stained glass windows.

Pam's parents sat up front, Pam's mother had a black veil on and held her other daughter's hand and silently wept. Jim's parents sat behind them crying as well, Jim sat beside them dressed in a black suit, his eyes dazed and lost.

Everyone from Dunder Mifflin came. For once Michael had a serious set face on as he sat beside Dwight and Andy.

There were no laughs, no pranks, or jokes.

Just silence.

The priest made the final blessing, Ryan sat in the back of the church alone. His lie loosened. Somehow word had gotten out, most likely from Angela about what happened. The story was still confusing and didn't make sense but what everyone got out of it was that Ryan and Pam had an affair. Ryan was the father of Pam's baby and she either knew or didn't know. She married Roy, and something happened at the Christmas party.

Everyone saw what had happened in the staff kitchen, that was the last time they saw Pam alive.

Nobody really wanted to talk gossip, a horrible thing had happened and they all heard that Pam's baby…a little girl was premature and might not live much longer. Flowers and fruit baskets had been brought, but there was stillness in the air.

Ryan hated the looks of pity, the whispered, and the dirty looks Jim's parents gave him.

He was high again.

When he came home from the hospital that early morning, everything came out of him. His mother, dressed in her bathrobe stood back in complete shock as Ryan broke down and smashed the coffee mugs off the kitchen table. Falling to the floor he began to break down and she tried to comfort him.

"How long has this been going on?"

Ryan couldn't answer, when she asked if she could go to the hospital and see the baby? That's when Ryan screamed in her face and threw back one of the chairs. Running out he checked into a motel room and scored some coke.

Now here he was, high again, a loser, the woman he loved and who admitted loved him just as much was dead, and his newborn baby…a bastard was going to die in a hospital with strangers.

The music started and Ryan couldn't take anymore, getting up she quickly left the chapel.

Standing outside in the freezing cold, he stuffed his hands in his pockets before he felt warmth dribble down his face. Reaching up his fingertips brought back tiny dots of blood.

He was having a nosebleed.

He needed to leave, he had to escape.

"You fucking bastard."

Ryan turned and Jim stood there, the music from the chapel was drifting out from the open wooden doors. Ryan stared at him and didn't have any more fight left in him.

"YOU KILLED HER!"

Next thing Ryan knew Jim tackled him and both fell hard down the icy stone steps. Ryan stared up at the colorless sky as Jim tried to put his hands around his throat. Ryan stared up and began to laugh like a madman.

By then gasps and cries were heard in the distance, the doors must have opened and people were just starting to come out.

Jim's face was beat red, staring own at him his grip tightened.

"What are you laughing about you prick?!"

Ryan kept laughing, feeling blood in the back of his throat.

"Fucking do it man! You'll be doing a lot of people a favor!"

Ryan was able to say before things began to darken. That's when Jim's father, Andy, and one of Pam's older cousins yanked Jim off Ryan.

Ryan laid there staring at the sky become he passed out.

_**Later…**_

Ryan sat in one of the many hallways of the hospital. A tissue brought up against his still bleeding nose. Dark circles were around his eyes, and his face was drawn and had aged ten years all ready. Sitting there he stared up at Pam's parents, still wearing their clothes from the funeral.

Pam's sister was having people over for coffee, Jim's parents hadn't said a word to them.

Ryan's mother was there as well, her winter coat on and sitting beside him with a worried and disappointed look.

Pam's father had his hands on his hips.

"There are many things I would like to say to you right now young man. I heard about you and the trouble you've caused. Somehow, my dear daughter saw something in you. Now I'm not asking you to repeat past history but whatever happened, it happened. She's dead and there's nothing any of us can do. It was nobody's fault but that damn stupid driver who was going too fast. I heard the paramedics say the last thing she said before she lost conscience was saying she wanted you…that she was heading over to see you. I like Jim, I think of him as a son but that poor young man has been through enough. You're the father of my granddaughter which means you mean something…so we need to talk to you straight."

Ryan looked up at the two of them before lowering the tissue, blood on it as Pam's father went on.

"The doctor's say the chances of the baby making it through the week aren't good. I need to be honest with you kid, I think they may be right. Me and Pam's mother had accepted that, and if God is planning on making sure my daughter and her baby are back together than that's it. If there is any chance the baby makes it, we've sat down and had a long talk with your mother. We find it might be better if me and Pam's mother raise her. I know it's a lot but seeing that you pushed Pam into marrying Jim since you knew it would be best for Pam and the baby, than I take it you're not ready to be a father?"

Everything else Pam's dad said was a blur for Ryan. All he understood was they were trying to say in the nicest way that Ryan was a screw up and shouldn't have the baby. That he had all ready done enough.

Ryan finally excused himself and went upstairs to the NICU. He was allowed in and he slowly shuffled over to the incubator his daughter laid in.

Regan Beesly

It said.

He knew Pam's parents had changed the Halpert off it.

She was so tiny, laying there with so many tubes sticking out of her. Feeling his bloodshot eyes well with tears, he pressed his hand against the plastic cover.

"I'm so sorry…please don't die. Your all that I have left of her…"


	9. Chapter 9

_Beautiful gray eyes stared down at him, eyes that were saddened yet filled with love. Reaching down, smooth hands gently touched his stubbed covered face._

"_Oh Ryan…"_

Ryan's blue eyes snapped open with a start and looked around the darkness of his bedroom in Scranton. Taking a second, the reality of everything came crashing back at him, much like how it had every day for the last three months. He hated dreaming of her, it was a cruel never ending reminder of what had happened, and how empty and alone his life was now.

Sitting up, he rubbed his face which was slowly beginning to take on the famous beard he once sported back in New York. This wasn't because he thought it made him look older, or stylish…it was because he just didn't care anymore.

Eyeing the clock, he saw it was three in the morning. Deeply sighing his head pounded.

A lot had happened since Pam's funeral.

Pam's parents had informed him that if the baby lived, they planned on adopting it, at least Pam's mother since she had just separated. They had a long talk with Ryan's mother which went almost into the morning Pam's sister had also mentioned wanting to adopt the baby if she make it through. That night Ryan stayed with his baby. He sat watching her as machines breathed for her, and kept praying to finally make sense of what happened. At one point his hands began to shake and he stumbled into the rest room and dug into his pocket for the small little baggie he had just bought.

Struggling to make lines he stopped and stared at his reflection.

What was he doing?

That's when he knocked the tiny mirror away and watched it shatter. He emptied the rest of the baggie down the sink and turned on the water full blast. Bursting into tears he honestly didn't know what to do.

That's when he came forward to Pam's parents and his own other.

He needed help.

Sitting down with everyone, he had a long talk and confessed he honestly didn't know what he was doing and he was heading down a dark path he had once been to before. His mother listened, while Pam's family decided to lay out their choices.

The baby had just begun responding. Her lungs were becoming more developed and she was beginning to breathe on her own. She still wasn't eating on her own, but the doctor's had a good feeling that in another six weeks or so she would be able to leave the hospital. Her brain function seemed fine, and the little motor skills she started showing seemed fine.

Pam's sister had been offered to adopt, but had to refuse. She had had her own life and career across the country. She simply said she just couldn't do it, as much as she loved her late sister. Pam's mother was willing o adopt, she was currently staying at her ex-husband's house and planned on staying there until the paperwork went through. Pam didn't leave a will, but after talking with their lawyer it looked in their favor since the Halpert's appeared to not want anything to do with Pam's family or her bastard baby. Pam's mother explained to Ryan and his mother that Jim's parents called at least a dozen times since the funeral harassing them. Jim was taking a leave of absence at Dunder Mifflin and in their words was having a nervous breakdown. Ryan tried to feel guilty for him, but just couldn't find it in his heart. He was still trying to sort through the reality and grief of Pam's death.

Ryan decided he wouldn't go to Boston, he feared if he was on his own again he would start using. At the time he had this talk in the Beesly kitchen he had been sober again for three whole days. He couldn't let anyone know about his little slip, in fact it turned his stomach remembering that week following Pam's funeral in which he was so high on coke everything seemed blurred. He tried thinking it had gotten him through everything and stopped him from doing something stupid…but now he knew the truth. He was just trying to escape the pain.

He had met with Michael privately and asked if he could work part time again at Dunder Mifflin in his temp position. Believe it or not Michael was more than understanding and said of course. For the first time in what seemed like forever, Michael wasn't annoying or creepy. He just sat behind his desk with a serious set face before looking at Ryan's exhausted eyes.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

Ryan looked at Michael and it dawned on him that he really was his friend. Sure he had embarrassed him, put him through hell, and made him feel five years old all the time.

Still…he was his friend.

Ryan wiped his eyes and shook his head.

"No, not really."

"I heard the baby is doing okay, that's good."

"Yeah…"

"What are your plans?"

"I need to talk with Pam's family first. Not really that sure yet."

Michael nodded.

"Jim won't be with us for some time. I'm not sure if he'll be coming back. If I do hear from him I'll let you know first. Then I'll have to figure out…"

Ryan nodded before Michael could finish.

"Jim is your top sales man, when he wants to come back you just let me know and I'll leave. I just need this job right now."

Michael nodded before looking at him.

"Can I ask you a question?"

It was after hours and they were the only ones in the office. Ryan looked up and nodded.

"Yeah sure."

"When…well it's personal, but when you and Pam…"

His words drifted off and Ryan was about to roll his eyes before he finished.

"Was it when you two were working for the Michael Scott Paper Company?"

Ryan nodded.

"Yeah…it was."

"I know this might not be the right time, but I'll never forget what you two did."

"What?"

"Following me, believing in me. You two were really good friends to me. I'm sorry Ryan…I really hope things work out for you."

Ryan tried to smile.

"Thanks Michael, I really mean that."

"What's the baby's name anyways?"

Ryan looked up and for the first time in what seemed like forever, felt a true small smile appear on his face.

"Regan…her name is Regan."

He began working part-time in Dunder Mifflin. His first day had been hard. The baby was still in the hospital, and he was battling depression. Walking in and seeing Erin first, she greeted him with a sweet smile.

"Hi Ryan, welcome back."

Ryan smiled and glanced over.

Jim and Pam's desk were now empty.

He sat in the desk beside Meredith, he couldn't sit in the back with Kelly anymore. He knew everyone was looking, and knew there had been plenty of gossip going around. They all knew that Ryan and Pam had carried on an affair. They all knew he was the father of Pam's baby. They knew the night of the Christmas party, the same night Pam died in a horrible accident Jim had found out.

They knew Jim had left and was most likely going crazy knowing the woman he loved, his wife had an affair with somebody he hated…and the baby he thought was his was a result of one half an hour downstairs. That maybe Pam and his love wasn't so perfect after all.

Ryan expected somebody to say something, most of all Kelly or Kevin. But nobody said anything. Ryan sat at his desk, sighed and tried to bury his head in work. Looking over at Pam's desk his heart felt heavy.

That day Michael called a staff meeting about people stealing other people's food in the staff kitchen. Ryan sat in-between Angela and Toby and just spaced out. It seemed as if nothing had happened…

But it wasn't the same…

Pam was dead, and he was now a father.

His daily life started over and over again the same way. He would wake up, head to work, leave and go to the hospital and spend time with the baby until visiting hours were done. He would come home, eat with his mother, read, and then fall asleep. It was the same day after day. One the weekends he would spend most of his time with the baby, watching her sleep and talking with Pam's mother who he had began getting close with.

In his spare time he used his old camera he had bought a little over a year ago and snapped photos. It really didn't mean anything but it kept his mind off Pam.

He missed her so much.

Every night he would dream about her and every morning he would wake up crying.

Finally that evening that he sat down with his mother and Pam's parents they figured out what they were going to do.

Pam's parents would take the baby and raise it. They asked honestly if Ryan wanted to be part of its life. That they would be more than understanding if he didn't want to. Ryan sat there thinking. Never before in his entire life did he think he would be a single parent before the age of thirty.

He thought of Pam, of those beautiful gray eyes and knew what he wanted…

"I would like to be part of her life…if we could do that."

Pam's mother nodded.

"She'll live with us, but you can see her every day. She'll know you're her father, and we'll figure out the rest when it comes to that. We'll let this go on for a year. If it works out we'll do regular visitation and limits. Pam I take it did like you and I want to respect her wishes. One year Ryan…don't mess this up."

Ryan nodded.

"I won't…I promise."

Finally there came the day Regan left the hospital.

Ryan received the phone call and went straight to Pam's parents' house. Before getting out of the car, he felt his hands shake and he just sat there.

Taking a deep breath, he looked at himself in the rearview mirror and nodded.

"Okay Pam…okay."

Going in, he nervously shoved his hands in the front pockets of his jeans and stood in the hallway. Pam's father walked over and clapped him on the back.

"Come on Ryan, we got somebody who wants to meet you."

Ryan took a deep breath and walked into the living room. There Pam's mother stood with the baby in her arms. She was so tiny and the pink blanket seemed to swallow her up. Pam's mother smiled as Ryan slowly walked forward.

"Ryan, I would like you to meet Regan…your daughter."

Ryan looked down, for the first time he didn't see her surrounded by plastic and covered with tubes. She looked just like a little doll. Ryan stared down at her completely amazed.

This was Pam and his baby…

"Do you want to hold her?"

Ryan looked up at her uncertain. Smiling, she handed her over.

"Don't worry, you're not going to break her."

Slowly she handed her over, Ryan was careful and made sure to support her head. The baby laid there and thinly cried for a second. Right away Ryan looked up scared. Pam's mother smiled.

"Don't worry Ryan, babies cry."

Ryan held the baby and looked down at her.

Had he really made this?

She was perfect…

Smiling, he then knew he couldn't ever love anyone as much as he loved this baby and knew no matter how hard it would be…he would make things work, no matter what.

_**Across town…**_

Somewhere, not too far away Jim laid awake in his parent's new home. The old house he had bought from them for Pam and himself was currently being rented. He honestly didn't know if he could go back there.

His parents were being great. They had been more than supportive and here he was, laying in a darkened bedroom feeling alone and depressed.

He hated Pam and Ryan for what they did.

Closing his eyes he wondered where the baby was. He knew it was a girl, but was it still in the hospital? Thinking of Ryan raising the baby he believed was his outraged him.

It wasn't fair…

A single tear rolled down his cheek.

"Oh Pam…how could you do this…"

Silently he began to cry.


	10. Chapter 10

_**A few months later…**_

Ryan sat on the sofa in Pam's parents living room and leaned over kissing Regan's stomach. The baby gurgled and what appeared to be a giggle came from her. Ryan smiled looking down at her before reaching over and brushing the thick dark brown hair she was all ready beginning to get. She was perfect, in every way. Sitting up, he looked at the clock. He had another half an hour and looked forward to his Saturdays so he could spend a little time with Regan and see how she was doing.

His mother usually came with him but this afternoon she had errands to do. She sent some new outfits for Regan, along with some blankets she had bought. Pam's mother of course welcomed him with a pleasant smile and took him into the kitchen. The same somewhat awkward talk went on between them and finally she took him upstairs to see the baby.

The last couple of months had been long and horrible. Ryan day after day went to work, came home, and just worked towards Saturday so he could see his daughter.

Things had been so weird. He knew everyone was talking behind his back, and the only reason people were nice to him was because it was pure pity. He even knew his mother couldn't believe what a mess he had gotten himself into, worse than even New York.

He really didn't know if he should stay around here. By the end of the year he would decide if Boston would really be the best choice after all. He would see what worked with Pam's parents, maybe decide visitations, and if he could still be somewhat part of Regan's life he would very much want to be.

But be a father? He honestly didn't know.

Picking Regan up, he held her in his arms and smiled.

She really was the only thing he had gotten right in a while.

That's when he heard Pam's parents talking in the kitchen, their voices low.

"He's a complete screw up, you honestly do you really believe he can keep this up?"

"Please, keep your voice down.'

"She was perfectly fine with Jim. He was a good guy, now just because she had this little fling she got herself killed and pregnant by this loser."

"Ryan isn't a loser, he's trying his best can't you see that?"

"You remember the way Pam used to talk about him. How he went to jail…the drug problems! Do you honestly want our granddaughter raised by him?!"

"I told you we would give him a year, he's been following our rules. Coming for his visits. He always brings something for Regan and he's good with her. He's always sending me emails asking how she is, remember last month when he took the afternoon off to go to her doctor visit?!"

"That doesn't mean jack. He's the reason our daughter is dead. Jim was a good guy and Pam broke his heart and shamed him away. How the boy is even able to cope is beyond me!"

Ryan sighed holding his baby, kissing the top of her head the baby thinly cried. That's when he didn't hear anything else from the kitchen. Sighing, he knew they were right.

Maybe Boston would be better after all. He was still putting money away in the bank for Regan, and maybe he could give Pam's mother the account so whenever Regan needed anything she could use the money. He would try to visit…but maybe being part of her life wasn't right.

He hated his life, he just wanted to die…

Just then he heard a noise, a glass breaking and Pam's mother crying out.

"Ah!"

Ryan's eyebrow raised as he carefully held the baby and stood up. Hurrying to the kitchen he froze in the doorway.

Pam's mother was leaning against the kitchen, holding her mouth. Her lip was bleeding and what appeared to be a large handprint was bright red against her face. Pam's father stood a few feet away breathing heavy, his eyes outraged.

Ryan looked as Pam's father turned.

"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?"

Pam's mother's eyes dropped.

"Ryan…you better go."

Ryan looked back and forth, piecing everything together. He clutched Regan to stirred in his arms.

"Did you…hit her?"

"Get out you fucking little punk!"

Pam's mother touched her bleeding lip and shook her head.

"You better go Ryan…"

Ryan shook his head.

"No, I'm not leaving my daughter with him."

Pam's father laughed.

"Oh yeah? What the fuck are you going to do about it?"

Ryan walked across the kitchen passing Pam's father, gently using his free hand to take Pam's mother.

"Come on…"

Pam's mother tear rimmed eyes looked up before Ryan gently smiled and lead her towards the back door. Pam's father started towards them, his eyes furious, trying to turn Ryan around his lip snarled back.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?!"

Ryan spun around, his eyes glaring at Pam's father.

The two of them stared at each other before Ryan shook his head, the baby crying in his arms.

"I didn't kill your daughter. I loved her."

Turning, he lead Pam's mother out.

_**One week later…**_

Pam's mother nervously sipped her coffee before nervously laughing and brushing back her fallen hair. For a split second Ryan saw the young beautiful woman she once was, and the stunning looks Ryan had fallen in love with in Pam.

Ryan sat across from her as Regan slept in her crib in the next room. The baby monitor between them.

"I honestly don't know why I even stayed with him as long as I did. Good thing we divorced when we did. Sad thing is I thought with Pam's death and the baby…it might bring us together. Give us a second chance…"

"Has he ever hit you before?"

Pam's mother looked at him and he perfectly understood. Nodding he drank his coffee.

Pam's mother then reached into her purse and slid over the piece of paper.

"I can't do this alone Ryan. But I need to know you're serious about it. No more drugs, no running away. You're a father now."

Ryan looked at the paper and slowly reached for his pen.

A little while later, Pam's mother was out back with his mother. Both were having tea and enjoying the warm spring afternoon. Inside Ryan held Regan, sitting in his mother's living room chair. The baby was dressed in a tiny one piece and wiggled in his arms.

Taking one of her little hands he kissed it and smiled.

This would be the first day of their new life together.

"I'm trying Pam…I'm trying."

He whispered.


	11. Chapter 11

_**One month later**_

"Oh my God she is so cute!"

Squealed Kelly as Ryan showed her the latest photos he had downloaded onto his computer of Regan. Erin, and Toby were also at his desk leaning over and gushing over how adorable the baby had gotten. Ryan's latest thing had been photography. He had sorta gotten into it back in New York, now it seemed as though every second he was taking photos of Regan any chance he got.

He was still living at his mother's who had been beyond supportive about the entire thing. Pam's mother came over four times a week and usually spent the entire day. There really hadn't been any more word with Pam's father. Pam's mother said they had spoken a few times since, but he made it perfectly clear he wanted nothing to do with his granddaughter is Ryan was going to be part of her life. Instead, she was moving forward, she told Ryan not to feel guilty, that the past was the past and no matter what they did they couldn't bring Pam back. But Ryan did feel guilty. He had torn apart an entire family within just a few months. Pam was dead, and he felt responsible. He was a father now, and never felt so scared before in his entire life.

Regan was living with him and his mother. Since Ryan's mother worked part-time now they switched off and found a schedule with staying home with the baby. Ryan worked part-time as well and whenever his mother was at work he spent the day with the baby, and usually Pam's mother.

Regan's crib was in his bedroom, and he spent many late nights pacing back and forth holding her while she cried for what seemed like hours. So many of his shirts and vests now had spit-up on them. He was constantly changing, feeding, and trying his hardest to get her to sleep. He honestly knew if he didn't have Pam's mother and his own he would be laying somewhere in a gutter completely clueless. They showed him how to do everything, even how to sooth Regan whenever she was being fussy.

He did love playing with her. Often whenever she said in her bouncy seat or in her bassinet she gurgled and giggled whenever he tickled her or nuzzled his head against hers. Often whenever he left for work she would start crying at the top of her lungs.

Ryan no longer had a social life, all he had was his daughter.

"Wow, she looks so much like Pam…"

Erin said and then quickly caught herself. Her cheeks turning red she looked down at her shoes before Ryan, who was staring at the computer screen softly smiled.

"Yeah…she does."

Nobody really hadn't mentioned Pam ever since what happened. Phyllis wouldn't even talk to him since, just a few days ago he overheard her talking with Meredith about how it wasn't right over what happened. That Ryan was the reason Pam got into that crash and that everyone should have known once they came up from that stupid Michael Scott Paper Company. That Jim was a good honest man, and that it wasn't right that Ryan was raising the baby. That more than likely he would just screw her up and end up leaving.

This hurt Ryan, but he couldn't blame people for talking. The only reason half of the people were being nice to him was because of pure pity or just how awkward things had become. Now looking at a photo on his computer screen of Regan, dressed in a one piece Pam's mother had bought that looked like a lady bug with wings, he looked at his little girl and it finally dawned on him how much she was like Pam and him after all.

She had his dark hair and eyes, but her face remained Ryan so much of Pam it seemed scary. He couldn't believe that one afternoon downstairs on a poker table resulted in this. He wanted Pam back more than anything…but looking at the baby, he saw this was the one thing he hadn't fucked up yet.

The next day Michael took him in his office.

Jim was planning on coming back.

Ryan sat in his chair for a second and felt nothing but numbness. Michael sighed behind his desk.

"Listen, you wanted to know ahead of time but I just got off the phone with David Wallace. Jim is coming back for a few months and then he might take a position in the city."

Ryan nodded.

"Okay, when does he start?"

"This week, Friday."

"Then I'll go…"

"Ryan wait…"

Ryan looked at him before Michael sighed.

"Is this honestly what you want?"

Ryan sat there before sighing.

"Of course not, I need a job…but Jim and I can't work under the same roof. Besides, he's in sales and I'm just a temp. He deserves to be here more than me."

"Can I call you once he's finished. He said before the fall maybe."

"Sure, you know where to find me."

Michael smiled and nodded before both men rose and shook hands. The next day Ryan packed up his desk and planned on finding something until his position was offered back at Dunder Mifflin. He knew with his career record he wouldn't ever be able to get anything serious, but he still needed some sort of income. He knew the bowling alley wouldn't take him back, but there were plently of other small part-time jobs being offered. One thing he put his foot down was always being able to pay for what Regan needed. He knew he couldn't rely on Pam's mother and his own for the rest of his life. He needed to step up and take responsibility. Funny, he was just thirty and knew h would forever be stuck making less than nine dollars an hour for the rest of his life.

On his way out Erin smiled.

"Bye Ryan, hope to see you soon."

Ryan smiled carrying his box of things. Michael had made some excuse that he was taking off time to be with the baby, which most of his fellow co-workers hadn't even seen yet. He knew mostly everyone knew the real reason on why he was leaving. The honest truth was he couldn't look Jim in the eyes again.

"Thanks Erin."

For a slight second he looked at the desk, the same desk Pam had worked at for so many years and his heart broke. He just wanted to see her, just one more time answering phones and smiling.

Driving home, Ryan began to cry.

That night, he sat on his living room couch staring blankly at the television with Regan sleeping soundly on his chest. Gently rubbing her back, he heard his mother in the kitchen humming as she cooked dinner. Listening to the baby's breathing, he felt completely relaxed.

Just then the phone rang, seconds later he heard his mother answer it. Ryan laid there, still rubbing the baby's back as she softly breathed against him. Her hair was coming in so thick now. Rusty his dog slept on the floor beside the couch, unaware of anything.

Just then his mother walked into the living room wiping her hands on a dishcloth.

"That was Linda from up the street. I guess her husband is stranded at the airport and her car just stalled. I'm going to give her a ride. Will you be okay?"

Ryan nodded.

"Yeah sure."

"Has she eaten yet?"

"Yeah I have her a bottle a half an hour ago."

"Well, wait a little bit before putting her down, she's been throwing up a lot lately."

Ryan nodded before he watched his mother grab her coat and tell him she would be gone for about an hour or so. Ryan told her to be careful and then she left.

Laying on the couch, he kept watching TV when he heard the doorbell. Raising an eyebrow, he sat up slightly. Regan stirred and buried her face against his T-shirt.

"Mom? You forget your keys?"

Standing up, he carefully walked over to Regan's bassinet and laid her down. Rubbing his palms against the legs of his jeans, the same jeans he wore the day Pam, and Michael came back upstairs last year he headed towards the front door and opened it.

He froze.

Jim stood there.

Ryan's mouth opened, but no words came. Jim's hair was slightly longer now, he wore a light jacket and jeans and looked very tired. Circles were under his eyes. Ryan also noticed he was still wearing his wedding band.

Jim looked at him.

"Can I see her?"

Ryan just stood there, unable to move.


	12. Chapter 12

"Can I see her?"

Ryan stood there for a second in the doorway looking out on his front porch at Jim. Blinking, he took a second before feeling his stomach tense up. The last time he had really seen Jim was at Pam's funeral when he was high as a kite from the drugs and shock and Jim had thrown him down the front chapel steps. Now here he stood, just a few feet away, his eyes pleading with his.

"Ummm, Jim…"

Ryan stumbled over his words. Jim looked Ryan slowly up in down, dressed in socks, jeans, and a dark T-shirt. Towering him by at least a good foot, Jim's eyes looked as though they hadn't seen sleep in months. Ryan's stunned big blue eyes looked up at his and they locked. For just a mere second something passed between the two. Their stared at each other and saw nothing but grief, and complete pain in this horrible loneliness.

The baby faintly cried inside, making Jim's eyes slightly light up as he tried to lean his head slightly to see inside. Ryan blocked his view and looked uncertain. Jim's eyes dropped and quickly he lowered his head, trying to find the right words.

"Please Ryan…I just need to look at her."

Ryan took a second, still unsure of what to do. Rubbing the back of his neck nervously he looked at Jim and cleared his throat.

"You're not going to try something are you?"

Jim looked at him almost completely stunned.

"Jesus Ryan of course not. Please, don't make me beg."

Ryan looked past Jim's shoulder and saw the darkened street he had grown up on. His mother wouldn't be home anytime soon. Taking a deep breath he nodded.

"Yeah sure, come on in…"

Jim slowly walked inside as Ryan shut the door behind them. Looking at him, he took a deep breath and shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans. Jim stood in the hallway for a second before Regan cried again, right away his attention went towards the living room and the bassinet that was on the couch.

Ryan walked with him.

"She's in here…"

The television was still on but very softly. On the coffee table were newspapers scattered along with a highlighter. Ryan had been circling and looking at part time jobs around town that might work. Jim slowly approached the bassinet before Ryan walked over and leaned over it.

"Come on honey…"

Regan, who had been very fussy lately cried as he lifted her up and held her. She was still very tiny for being nearly six months, but had just begun putting on weight. Her hair was a lush dark brown which looked nearly black. Her eyes big and blue like Ryan's…but her face was exactly like Pam's. Dressed in a one piece, the baby wiggled in Ryan's arms as he walked over to Jim who was stiff as a board.

"This…is Regan."

Ryan said. He couldn't believe how weird this was. This was the man who he had stole the love of his life from. The man he had lied to with Pam and snuck behind his back. The man he told Pam to marry and to live her life with. The man who had discovered his marriage and love to Pam was based all on lies just because of one simple afternoon and one mistake. The man who the same night he found his marriage was just one big lie, along with the child he lead to believe wasn't his…had to lose Pam was well. Pam's family…at least for Pam's mother and sister had sided with him, no questions asked. They took his side while still getting over the shock and grief from Pam's sudden death. Just because he was Regan's biological father they seemed to throw Jim to the side like he was garbage. The worst part was Pam's mother had known all along, even during the pregnancy and when Pam married Jim that Ryan was the baby's father…

Still, she opened his arms and forgave him even though he very well was the reason why her daughter was now dead. Jim had done nothing wrong, he loved Pam, and loved the baby she was carrying. Ryan knew Jim was twice the man he was and looked what he had done to him…he destroyed his life.

Jim's eyes suddenly cleared, he looked down at Regan with wonder and suddenly Ryan saw he had started to silently cry.

"She's…b-beautiful."

Ryan felt an ache in his chest.

"Would…you like to hold her?"

Jim looked a little caught off guard before Ryan looked at him, He owed him this much, Jim was looking down at the life he almost had, but had been snatched away and smashed by him.

"It's okay, she loves being held try it."

"Ummm…"

Jim shuffled his feet before Ryan carefully handed Regan over.

"Just support her head, yeah you go it…see?"

Very carefully Ryan slid Regan into Jim's arms. Jim looked like panic was in his eyes but slowly held the baby who didn't even cry. Instead she wiggled, gurgled and moved her feet slightly. Jim looked down at her completely amazed.

"Hi…"

He softly said looking at Regan with wonder.

Ryan stood back watching, feeling like the worst person in the world.

_**Half an hour later… **_

Jim was still holding Regan, they were now on the back porch having coffee. The baby was now fast asleep in Jim's arms as he spoke with Ryan. A full moon was out as it seemed as though every star in the sky was sparking.

Jim kept looking down at Regan, his eyes so filled with love it broke Ryan's heart. This was the man who deserved to be a father…not him.

Jim was in fact returning to Dunder Mifflin in which he wasn't completely sure if it was the right choice or not. He had been offered other jobs, but he planned on staying for the summer before taking some online computer job he had been looking into.

"Besides, Dunder Mifflin has too many bad memories."

Ryan didn't say anything, instead he sat across from him and sipped his coffee.

Jim asked what his plans were and Ryan said he had just left Dunder Mifflin to spend more time with the baby. He knew Jim knew the real reason, as did everyone else but it was unspoken. Ryan said he was looking for something part-time but he really wanted to stay home with Regan as much as possible.

Jim sighed before looking at Ryan, his eyes bloodshot and exhausted.

"Why?"

His voice was slightly cracked as stared at Ryan. Right away Ryan felt his heart sink down in his stomach. He knew this was coming, but didn't expect Jim to look so lost, so tired, and so broken. Ryan looked at Regan and then slowly cleared his throat. He couldn't think of anything to say. Jim kept looking at him, waiting for an answer.

"Why? Why did you sleep with her?"

Ryan thought back on so many things. When Pam and him first met, the birthday card she sent him when he was brand new, the valentine, them ice skating, the kiss…

He remembered how good it felt holding onto somebody. Feeling as though for just one half an hour he wasn't the screw up he truly believed he was.

Ryan looked down at his coffee mug before sighing and looking up at Jim. It seemed funny, the last time the two had even seen it each other it was when Jim had tackled Ryan down the front steps of a chapel and tried to strangle him. Now here they were. Ryan decided he had done enough to Jim, he owed it to him to tell him the truth.

"I loved her."

Jim just looked at him as Ryan took a deep breath and kept going. He couldn't believe he had just said this out loud.

"I was jealous…of the two of you. I could never find anyone that would love me the way she loved you. I mean my whole life had turned into a nightmare and the sad thing is it was all my fault. I took advantage when she was feeling emotional and it was a horrible mistake. She came to see me the night it happened and told me how terrible she felt. She told me how much she loved you and how there would never be a chance with me. We did something stupid and she told me how she felt. I mean, she went home to you man. She made it perfectly clear how she felt."

"When did you find out about the baby…I mean when did you find out it was yours?"

Ryan looked at Jim.

"The night before your wedding…"

Jim shook his head.

"Jesus…"

"It was when I hurt myself acting like an idiot dancing. She never looked so scared before in her whole life. She told me the reason she didn't find out sooner was because she was terrified of losing you. I told her myself that she should forget about me, that I was a fuck up and marry you…"

"So you agreed she should lie to me? Base our marriage on lies? Pretend the baby was mine?"

"Jim, there's nothing I can honestly say that will make what me and Pam did right. She was scared and she loved you and I knew you were twice the man I was. You weren't a screw up and I knew you would of made a much better father and husband than me. I hurt…I mean I've done nothing right in my entire life. But I wanted Pam and the baby to be with somebody that would love them more than life itself. I'm sorry Jim even though I can't change the past or take back anything that happened. I'm a bad person, and I'm sorry Pam had to die because of it."

Jim lowered his head, staring at Regan who had now fallen asleep in his arms.

"You're wrong though…she didn't love me. Or maybe she did but in some other way. I guess I'll never know. I saw the way she was looking at you at the Christmas party. She loved you."

Ryan shook his head.

"No…she loved you Jim. I think she was just scared. Scared of lying to you the rest of your life. I think she truly saw me as an escape. A glamour. It wouldn't have taken her long to see what a horrible screw up I am. I mean look, she got herself killed going to me? If that doesn't tell you something I don't know."

"Yeah, but I was the one who made her run."

"I guess we both feel guilty. But I was the one who ruined both of your life's. I'm sorry Jim. I'm really sorry."

Jim looked down at the baby and sniffled in.

"I don't think I can ever forgive you."

Ryan nodded, he perfectly understood. Jim the lifted his head and looked at Ryan. He had been crying.

"Could you do me something though?"

"What?"

"Let me be part of her life. I know it's a strange request, but when Pam was pregnant…whenever the baby kicked or I saw the ultrasound, I really thought…I…"

His words broke off before he took a deep breath.

"I…thought the baby was part of me. You have no idea how badly I wanted to be a father. My own family…they mean well but I honestly don't have anyone else. I understand if you say no…but please. I know it's crazy since she's yours…but please…please let me be part of her life. I need this man…for than anything."

Ryan looked at his sleeping daughter and felt a heavy weight replace his chest. Slowly nodding, he held back his own tears.

"Yeah…sure. I think that might be good actually."

Jim tried to smile through his tears but couldn't. Instead he simply leaned down, kissed the baby's head and sat with Ryan in silence.

_**Later that night…**_

Jim had left, but the two exchanged numbers. Ryan and him were meeting for lunch this weekend so they could talk. Ryan of course would take the baby. Before Jim left, he kissed Regan's tiny little hand and smiled before walking out to his car.

Ryan watched him before Regan began to stir with her hungry cry. Ryan held her and walked back inside and into the kitchen.

His mother came home a little while after, knowing nothing about Jim coming over or the long heartbreaking talk Ryan and him had. Instead she went straight up to bed before wishing him a good night.

Now upstairs in his own bedroom. Regan slept beside Ryan on her back in her one piece night suit. Ryan knew before he drifted off he would have to carry her back to her crib. His mother had warned him about having her sleep in the bed with him, just in case if might happen to roll over in the middle of the night. Looking at her he smiled, she looked so peaceful.

His contacts now out and his glasses on, he was hiked up on one elbow and stared down at his daughter as thin moonlight drifted in through the windows.

He thought back on how many times Kelly had bothered him with the thought of babies. How often she "forgot" to take her birth control pills, or pretended she was late just to see his reaction. He remembered the first time he came back from New York to Scranton and how she had scared him with the fake pregnancy. How later that night when she admitted the truth over dinner how furious he was. He called her every name in the book before walking out, still thinking he was such a hot shot just because he now worked in the city.

The truth was a tiny bit of him had been terrified, but disappointed at the same time. What kind of person would lie about something like that?

Still he was forever grateful it had never been serious. He honestly didn't know if he could have loved a baby that was part Kelly.

Now looking down at Pam and his daughter, the most overwhelming feeling of love came over him. He hoped he was doing right. Taking one of Regan's tiny little hands, he gently kissed it before his big blue eyes drifted up to the window and towards the moonlit sky.

"I hope I'm doing good Pam, I really do."

He then looked down at watched his daughter for a very long time.


	13. Chapter 13

_**A few weeks later…**_

Ryan eyed the clock above the kitchen stove and the glowing green numbers said it was just ten minutes after four in the morning. Blinking, his glasses on he sighed before pacing back and forth with Regan in his arms.

She wiggled and continued to cry.

"Come on baby, please go to sleep."

He pleaded. Instead Regan turned bright bed and began to cry twice as loud. The high pitch ringing in Ryan's arms as he gently rubbed her back wondering how on Earth something so small could be so loud. Just then his mother appeared in the doorway, dressed in her bathrobe. Her eyes sleepy.

"She okay?"

Ryan right away felt bad.

"Sorry mom we woke you, she's been doing this for the past half hour…"

Ryan's mother shook her head before heading over. Right away she opened her arms and Ryan carefully handed her over. Ryan's mother felt Regan's head and sighed before looking at her son.

"Did she feed her?"

"She wouldn't take it, I've tried at least five times."

"What about burping?"

"Yeah, I even checked if she needed to be changed but she's dry. She doesn't feel warm does she?"

"A little but not too bad."

"Should I call the doctor?"

Ryan mother smiled making Ryan feel just like a little kid again.

"At this time of the night?"

"Well maybe I should take her to the emergency room?"

"No, I think she'll be fine. Babies do this of course, you did it."

"Really?"

"Oh plenty. It isn't the croup, but maybe she's just being fussy. Trust me she can't keep this up forever."

Ryan made a face.

"Wanna bet?"

Ryan's mother laughed holding her granddaughter who was still screaming her head off.

"Listen, do you want me to take her for a while? You look exhausted?"

"No…I'm okay. You get some sleep. Sorry mom."

"Don't ever be sorry honey. If you need me I'll be upstairs."

She handed Regan over who cried even harder. Ryan smiled taking her before her mother smiled and cupped one hand, gently touching the side of her face.

"You're doing real good Ryan. I'm proud."

Ryan blushed slightly before softly smiling.

"Thanks mom."

Smiling she began to walk away before she turned.

"Try singing."

Ryan looked at her.

"Seriously?"

"Always worked on you. Night Ryan."

Ryan smiled.

"Night mom."

Alone in the kitchen, Ryan rubbed Regan's back before taking her into the living room. Rusty cracked open one eye at the sound of Regan crying and went back to sleep. Sitting in complete darkness, he settled on the sofa and held Regan in his arms.

"Okay…sing…sing what?"

"Darling remember from when you come to me  
that I'm the pretender,  
I'm not what I'm supposed to be  
but who could know, lf I'm a traitor?  
times the revelator, revelator…"

It was from some CD Ryan owned. It couldn't really remember, maybe some Indie band. He didn't know why, but that song just popped into his head. He knew the lyrics and sang them softly to Regan Repeating them again, slowly he watched as Regan's cries turned into hiccups, then whimpers, then nothing. Within minutes she rested her head against his chest and was fast asleep. A smile appeared on Ryan's face as he rubbed the back of his baby's back and waited in complete silence. Listening to her breath. Sitting there he thought back on the last few weeks and how strange they seemed.

He decided not to tell his mother or Pam's mother about Jim at first. That evening of them talking together made his head clear a little and even though on a daily basis the guilt seemed to be there every time he breathed or blinked. Seeing Jim somehow…

Helped.

He met him at the park that weekend after calling. At first he thought it would be awkward or that Jim would blow him off. Instead Jim picked up and sounded completely normal and happy to hear from him. They agreed on a time and before hanging up Jim asked once more…

"Your bringing the baby right?"

"Of course."

Hanging up, Jim stared at his phone. He felt sorry for what he had done. Jim should have been the one who was the father…Not him.

He met Jim at the park that weekend on a sunny warm day. He had Regan in a stroller and rolled it up to the bench Jim said he would meet him at. Ryan wearing his sunglasses looked around before sitting on the bench. Gently rocking the stroller with his foot he waited, watching children in the distance playing baseball.

A few mothers, pushing their own strollers stopped and smiled looking in at Regan who was fast asleep.

"She's so cute! Is she yours?"

Ryan smiled.

"Yeah."

"How old?"

"Going on seven months."

"She's beautiful."

This happened twice. Ryan sat there feeling for once extremely proud. Maybe he hadn't messed up on 'everything' in his life. By the time Jim came, he greeted Ryan with a smile and shook his hand. Right away he leaned over the stroller and a huge grin appeared on his face.

"Can I hold her?"

Ryan smiled, still wearing his Ray Bands.

"Yeah, she's just beginning to wake up. Hold on."

Ryan leaned down, scooping the baby up. Regan gurgled and spit up slightly. Jim right away leaned down into the stroller and held up one of Regan's tiny cloth blankets.

"Can you use this man?"

Ryan nodded.

"Yeah thanks…"

He took the cloth and wiped Regan's mouth as she laid against Ryan's shoulder, making noises and even giggling.

"She's so big all ready."

"Tell me about it. Once she's out of diapers then she can stop growing."

"Yeah, I'm sure she's going to have men lined around the block waiting to take her to prom."

Ryan made a face as Jim laughed. Slowly he handed the baby over to Jim and the two sat down.

Jim held Regan, gushing over her and laughing. At one point Regan reached up and held onto Jim's hand. This made Ryan smile, he really did seem so happy whenever he held her.

They did a little talking, but nothing serious. The one thing Jim did ask was how was Pam's parents. Here Ryan filled him in on exactly what had happened between Pam's father and her mother. When he finished Jim looked stunned.

"Wow…I mean he always seemed like a nice guy…"

Jim looked down at Regan.

"So Pam's mother helps out?"

"A lot. I really don't know what I would of done without her and my mom. I mean things are expensive and working part-time is hard, most of all when you're looking for something new. It's hard…really hard."

"Money wise?"

"Not all that, I mean we do okay. I always put her head of anything else. I don't have to pay rent at my house which is great but I feel bad, my mom works real hard. But Regan never goes hungry and I found myself spending my entire paycheck I made at Dunder Mifflin just to make sure she had everything. Pam's mother helps out a lot though. I mean she's so great with her."

"I bet…you seem tired."

"Yeah, that's another thing. I've learned my days of sleeping more than three hours at a time are over."

Jim lightly laughed.

"You should really come back to Dunder Mifflin. I mean I know you said you want to spend time with her…but I'm sure the money could help."

Ryan suddenly felt uncomfortable talking about his personal life with Jim. He still wasn't sure exactly what he wanted. Instead he just shrugged.

"Yeah I guess."

"No really man. I mean Michael adores you…"

Ryan rolled his eyes before lightly laughing.

"Yeah your right."

"Yeah and besides, you know the company real well."

"I don't know. Maybe…we'll see."

Jim nodded before smiling as Regan giggled looking up at him. Watching them, Ryan knew he would never even set foot back in Dunder Mifflin while Jim worked there. It was one thing talking to him straight. Clearing away all the bad history as weird as it was. But going back to sitting across from him, Erin now at Pam's desk…and the memories…

He couldn't do it.

Jim asked if he wanted coffee and Ryan said sure. Putting Regan back in the stroller they decided to walk to the nearest coffee shop. Together the two walked, commenting on how nice the weather was, and how cute Regan looked sleeping.

At the coffee shop they ordered and sat down. Ryan took Regan back out and had her bottle ready. Holding her in his arms, he fed it to her. Regan stared up at him as she ate in perfectly silence. Jim watched sipping his coffee and smiling.

"You're really good with her you know that?"

Ryan looked and smiled.

"Thanks…"

They stayed at the coffee shop for another hour or so before Regan began getting fussy and Ryan knew it was time to take her home. The two walked back to their cars and had a very awkward goodbye. Jim asked if they could do this again soon and Ryan said of course, even though deep down inside he knew there wouldn't be another time. He owed Jim a lot, but felt strange about everything and thought it might be better if they just went their own ways.

That night Ryan woke up from a horrible dream. In it Jim had kidnapped Regan and had left Ryan screaming her name on a deserted street. Waking up with start, he looked around and quickly jumped out of bed and rushed to Regan's crib.

Trying to catch his breath, he heart pounded in his chest.

Waking her, he held her and walked back to his bed. Regan cried.

"I know baby I know. I'm sorry…"

He needed to hold her for comfort. That dream had been horrible. Maybe he had made the right choice. Maybe keeping his distance from Jim might be for the best. Taking his inhaler he triggered in before sitting up in bed holding Regan. Kissing the top of her head he sighed.

That's when he remembered…

It was back nearly three or so years ago. It was the day the truth of Marvin Nash from Stamford had spent some time in prison, which looking back on it Ryan had to smile. He had in fact gone to jail for almost exactly the same thing Marvin did…in fact his sentence was worse. He remembered it was December, right after the Stamford branch had arrived.

This was the day Michael showed them 'Prison Mike' and decided as punishment he would lock them all up in the meeting room as a lesson.

_**December 2006…**_

Kevin was at the window turning the blinds open and closed as what he called a signal. Hanna, the new woman from Stamford was ignoring their yells of help and bangs on the window. Instead she sat at her desk rocking her baby and pretending they weren't even there.

It had been nearly twenty minutes.

Ryan had sat behind Jim and Karen for a while, hearing them play 'I Spy' before getting annoyed. Getting up he hoped Michael would open the door soon, if Meredith complained she needed to go to the bathroom one more time he thought he was going to scream. In fact he kept noticing the way she was eyeing Stanley's coffee mug. He honestly knew if she yanked up her dress and tried to pee in it he would throw up all over the floor.

Instead he walked, trying to stretch his legs.

Today had been a terrible day.

Kelly kept offering to hold Hanna's baby and kept standing next to him. At one point Ryan couldn't take it any longer and snapped.

"Is there something you want to say to me Kelly about the baby?"

Kelly acted dumb.

"No…"

"Good…"

Ryan tried to turn back to his computer before Kelly started talking a mile a minute.

"Oh my God Ryan I love babies and I want one right now!"

Ryan sighed, not knowing in just a couple of years he would be a single parent.

Now here he was, stuck in the meeting room with everyone just sitting around.

Kelly walked over, touching his arm.

"Oh my God now nuts is this, I so can't believe Ryan said those things about you..!"

'Don't drop the soap! Don't drop the soap!' The words echoed in his head. Shrugging, he leaned against the door.

"Please, I'm used to it. He's so weird."

Kelly giggled before leaning over and kissing him on the cheek. For a brief second Ryan noticed Pam looking before quickly dropping her eyes. Ryan then became suddenly very annoyed with Kelly. Leaning against the wall he crossed his arms, waiting for Michael to finally open the door.

"Wasn't Hanna's baby so cute?! When we have a baby I want it to have your cute big blue eyes!"

Ryan was about to say something when Kelly squealed with delight and walked over to Phyllis who was showing off her engagement ring. Ryan's eyes widened. The very thought of having children with Kelly made him sick. Closing his eyes he sighed deeply before he heard her voice…

"Too bad I didn't pack my toothbrush. Looks like we're camping out for the night."

Ryan looked over, cracking open his eyes and saw Pam standing there. Right away a smile appeared on his face. The dull throbbing headache that had just started was beginning to fade away.

"Yeah tell me about it."

Pam smiled before Ryan coughed into his hand, the sound echoed in his lungs.

Pam raised an eyebrow still smiling.

"You okay chief?"

Ryan smiled trying to brush it off before another laugh came. His throat felt tickled. Coughing again, he felt his windpipe begin to close. He was having an asthma attack. Still trying to smile, he coughed again in his hand. Pam's expression right away changed as she watched him.

"You okay?"

"Yeah fine…'

Ryan walked away still coughing. Pam watched him frowning before digging into her pocket for her cell phone. Enough was enough, she was calling Toby to let them out of there.

A few minutes later Michael had in fact opened the door and everyone rushed out, mostly heading for the bathroom. Ryan instead went straight to his desk. Yanking open the draw he took his inhaler out and triggered it. Right away his lungs came back to normal size and all the oxygen he needed rushed back quickly.

Smiling, he shut his eyes in relief.

"Mind holding him, I need to run to the bathroom."

Ryan opened his eyes and saw Hanna's deadpan look as she held her son who was dressed head to toe in pink. Ryan right away looked very caught off guard.

"Ummm, I…"

Sure you can, here be careful."

She handed the baby over. Ryan gulped as Hanna, who hadn't even bothered to open the door for all of them went straight into the staff kitchen without even a worry in the world. Ryan could all ready not stand her. Between her using her breast pump at work, and bringing the baby in…this had been more than enough.

The baby shifted in his arms and stared at him. Ryan who had most likely held one or two babies before in his entire life looked completely uncertain. The baby stared at him before reaching over and yanking his tie.

Ryan watched the baby in complete wonder, feeling thankful Kelly wasn't seeing any of this.

Turning, he found himself smiling. It was a shame the baby's mother was such a bitch. Stopping, he looked up and saw Pam back behind her desk watching him and smiling.

Ryan smiled back.

Unknown to the both of them, they would have a child together…

_**Present.**_

Ryan sat up in bed, remembering what seemed to be years and years ago. Regan was now fast asleep again in his arms. Sitting back, he wondered if not contacting Jim anymore would be the right thing to do.

The next morning as he was feeding Regan her breakfast his cell phone rang.

It was Michael.

He wanted him to come down to the office as soon as possible. When Ryan asked what this was all about Michael told him to just to come by before closing today and hung up.

Looking at his cell phone, Ryan eyed it feeling very uneasy. Just then his mother walked over with a plate of toast.

"Who was that?"

"Michael Scott…"

"Your boss from Dunder Mifflin?"

"Yeah…"

"What did he want?"

Ryan eyed his phone again before shifting Regan in his arms. The bottle had slipped and she began to cry. Fixing the bottle he shrugged.

"Said he wanted me at the office right away."

"For what?"

"Didn't say…"

"Well honey, I'm heading out right now I could call…"

Ryan shook his head.

"No, it's okay I'll take her. Besides it shouldn't take long."

"You sure?"

Ryan looked down at his baby and smiled.

"Yeah…"

_**Later…**_

Ryan walked into the main lobby of the office building holding the car seat that carried Regan. Waving to Hank who sat behind his desk, he went to the elevators and pressed the button.

Hank looked over, not very interested.

"You had a baby?"

Ryan looked over before smiling.

"Yeah."

"Boy or girl?"

"Girl."

"That's nice. I have five sons and I hate them all."

Ryan smirked before the elevator doors opened and he rode up. Looking down at Regan who started up wide eyed he smiled. Besides photos, this was the first time he got to show her off. He prayed it wouldn't be weird, Wondering what Michael wanted the doors opened and he walked down the hallway taking a deep breath.

Somehow holding Regan in her seat made him feel safer. It was funny, a couple of years ago he walked through this same exact door on his first say a shy little temp. Now here he was a father. Opening the door, the same sights, sounds, and smells came back to him. In some odd way it was comforting.

Erin sat behind the desk and right away her eyes lit up seeing him.

"Oh my God hi Ryan!"

Ryan smiled, a little embarrassed as Erin ran behind the desk and hunched down to look at the baby.

"Is this her?!"

Ryan smiled.

"Yeah, this is Regan."

Right away Erin began to coo over how beautiful she was as everyone glanced over from their desks. Just then Kevin walked over, looking down into the car seat before smirking.

Jim and Michael then walked out from Michael's office. Right away Michael's eyes lit up looking at Ryan. Jim smiled and shoved his hands in his pockets.

Kevin then froze.

"Wait…isn't this weird for you two because…"

Jim quickly shook his head and motioned to Kevin.

"Kevin, mind giving us a second."

Kevin eyed the baby and then Ryan and Jim before slowly nodding.

"Oh…"

Dwight watched them like a hawk while Angela and Phyllis watched from the back. Ryan tried to ignore the glances before Michael smiled and looked down at the baby.

"She is so beautiful…I'm sure she'll be hottest in daycare."

Laughing, Michael slapped Ryan on the back and pointed to his office.

"Let's talk."

Ryan looked at Jim puzzled before Jim shrugged. Everyone watched them as they went into the office and shut the door.

Inside the office, Ryan took a seat and placed the car-seat between his legs before bending over and reaching for Regan who was beginning to feel fussy. Michael took a seat behind his desk grinning as Ryan held the baby, putting her pacifier in her mouth before looking at Jim and Michael.

"So, what is it?"

Jim decided to start.

"We wanted to know how you felt coming back working part-time in your temp position. Now that David Wallace Is no longer working for the company it shouldn't be a problem and Michael and I have talked it over and we have some new ideas you might be able to help us with."

Ryan was at a loss of words, blinking he looked at both of them.

"Ummm, I told you guys I was taking a break…to spend time with Regan."

"We understand that but three days a week shouldn't be a problem and we'll work with you of course. "

"Guys, look at my history. You would do much better just hiring a younger new temp."

"True, but like I said we've been sorting through new ideas to update the system and we would love to have you help us out."

"Guys…you know the real reason I left…"

Ryan looked at Jim before dropping his eyes.

"Everyone knows what happened…"

Jim looked at him before eyeing the baby.

"Yeah but that's our personal life's and it's never going to affect our work. If we need to have Toby run millions of meetings and make sure nobody will say anything we will. This was my idea Jim, we want you back."

Ryan looked at Jim, his eyes uneasy.

"Why?"

"Because…that's what Pam would of wanted. I would like to think we have an understanding now…and it isn't anyone's business. Come on Ryan, let us help you out."

Sighing, Ryan looked at Michael and then down at Regan.

_**That night…**_

Ryan sat up downstairs in the living room with Regan in his arms. The baby was fast asleep as Ryan watched the news.

All of the lights were off and Rusty was fast asleep on the floor.

He honestly didn't know if he should take the job or not. He told Michael he needed to think about it.

It seemed so weird…

Sitting there he sighed.

Just then a cool feeling hand touched the back of his neck. The sweet smell of perfume filled the air, and for a brief second he felt her fingertips begin to creep up and touch his hair.

Then…

It was gone.

Sighing, he held his baby tight as one single tear rolled down his face.

God he missed her, he wished so badly he could get her back.


	14. Chapter 14

_**Five months later**_

Ryan hated the winter. Most of all because Christmas time was coming…which also reminded him that Regan would be turning a year old…and that it would have been a year since Pam's accident. The more Ryan thought about it, he honestly thought how horrible of a reality check it would be to celebrate his daughter's birthday since he would be reminded that this was the same day Pam had died. How could Regan deal with it as she grew older that the day she was born was the same day her mother died? Whenever Ryan thought about it too much he would find himself getting very overwhelmed and depressed. In fact thinking like that would make him feel like going crazy.

He knew he would no longer look at the holidays the same either. Thinking back on how horrible Regan's first months were in the hospital, the drug use, the fighting, and the grief…his stomach turned.

Instead Ryan directed his attention back to Regan who had just began to attempt the first stages in walking. Two months ago she had began slowly crawling better and better every waking moment. In fact him and his mother had to buy baby gates to block off nearly every room. Often Ryan had to step over them just to go from the living room from the hallway. This puzzled Rusty who now spent most of his time sleeping in the kitchen.

Regan was a very active baby who seemed on the go every waking moment. Crawling around, she had began holding onto the sofa and standing up perfectly without any help. Ryan who always watched closely wanted to know if development wise if everything was fine due to Regan's compilations at birth. Her doctor told him that she was perfectly fine and was coming into her own at her own special rate. She was healthy and that was all that mattered.

She was beginning to talk as well.

At eight months her little gurgles and giggles had begun to slowly take form. One Sunday morning while Ryan was feeding her breakfast she looked up at him, her chubby face smiling before she giggled and said…

"Dada!"

Ryan dropped the bowl of oatmeal and stared at her with wide eyes. Looking around he hated that his mother was out shopping and had missed it.

"What did you say Regan?"

"Dada!"

She said more clearly in her babyish yet perfectly understandable voice. Ryan grinned and right away nearly broke out into a run to get his cell phone. Switching it to video it pointed it to Regan.

"Who am I? Regan? Who am I?"

He pointed to himself and Regan giggled.

"Dada!"

Ryan laughed, he hadn't felt this happy in forever. The next day at work he had uploaded the video on his computer and both Kelly and Erin gushed over how cute she was.

Speaking of work, Ryan had been working happily and peacefully at Dunder Mifflin. The day after this fateful meeting with both Jim and Michael he decided to just swallow his pride and think of Regan. They needed the money and any extra would help. He believed Jim in what he said and hoped this would somehow clear the horrible rocking past they shared. He knew he would never make up for what had happened, but he saw how lonely Jim was and how badly he somehow wanted to be part of Regan's life. The baby he had thought was going to be his. The one who in a strange way was taken from him.

He informed his mother and Pam's mother the weekend before he started. At first both of them sat side by side and eyed each other before Pam's mother slowly cleared her throat.

"Ryan, do you honestly think that's a good idea…most of all with Jim?"

Ryan explained his visits with Jim and both women seemed stunned. Ryan's mother blinked.

"Why didn't you tell us?"

"Because I didn't want to worry you. Listen, Jim is a nice guy…and me and Pam did something horrible to him. Something I can't ever take back. He's lonely guys and I think he's doing the only thing he can think to do…and that's to help."

Both women slowly nodded before they told him he could do whatever he wanted as long as it was in the best interest in Regan and she was safe.

He came back that Monday and sat at his old desk back next to Creed. He was grateful he didn't have to sit back with Kelly and feel alone. Sitting at his own desk he noticed a few weird looks before he settled in. Michael for once didn't make a scene and as he set up his stuff he placed a framed photograph of Regan on his desk and smiled looking at it.

This was all for her.

Jim strolled over later and chatted with him. Of course everyone was pretending not to listen, but it was very casual. Jim asked him how things were going and of course about the baby. The rest of the day seemed like any other normal day. Michael called a crazy meeting about sales, and Ryan took his lunch with Oscar, Kelly, Erin, and Andy. Nobody asked him questions, or acted super weird when Jim entered the room.

Time past, and Ryan kept to himself. He ate his lunches in the back room usually with Toby, Phyllis, Kelly, and Jim.

The awkwardness began to wear off. Michael still acted crazy and of course there were still those horrible meetings.

Yet every time he heard the phone ring, he would look over and see Erin answer the phone.

"Dunder Mifflin this is Erin."

His heart would sink.

Once or twice he caught Jim looking in the same direction.

Jim would offer to hang out for a few beers but they still hadn't gotten around to it. The most they stayed in contact besides work was emailing each other back and forth for this fantasy baseball thing they had going. Kevin and Oscar were doing it too. Jim's emails were funny and he often asked how the baby was doing.

Often at work whenever there was some free time he would stroll on over near Ryan's desk and hand over reports. Each time he saw few photos of Regan he would grin.

"She's getting big."

Ryan would smile.

"Yeah, too big for my taste."

His mother and Pam's mother had been supportive and finally one Friday afternoon Ryan asked Jim if he was free the next day. He was going to be home with the baby and watch the playoffs. His mother was visiting friends and he said Pam's mother might swing by with lunch.

Jim right away looked down and cleared his throat.

"Ummm, yeah maybe…"

Ryan smiled.

"She's been asking about you…come on we'll just relax, besides Regan misses you."

Jim grinned.

That Saturday after a few cold beers and sitting in front of the TV, Ryan and Jim sat on the living room couch with Rusty sleeping between them. They cheered at the scores and high fived whenever there was a good play.

Pam's mother swung by with clothes for Regan and dropped off some pizza. Ryan excused himself to wake Regan up from her nap. Leaving Pam's mother and Jim alone he hoped it wouldn't be too weird. By the time he came down the stairs he saw Jim and Pam's mother hugging. Pam's mother smiled and touched his face.

"Take care okay."

Jim nodded before quickly wiping his eyes and smiling.

Ryan held the baby and walked in pretending he hadn't seen or heard anything. Right away Jim and Pam's mother turned and smiled. Pam's mother stepped forward.

"Oh there's my little darling, did somebody just wake up?"

Ryan smiled as Regan buried her head against his shirt.

"Yeah and she's a little cranky."

"Awwww…"

Pam's mother leaned over and kissed Regan's hands before smiling.

"Well I'll leave you boys alone…"

Turning she smiled at Jim.

"It was really nice seeing you Jim."

Jim smiled before looking down at the floor. After one more kiss to Regan Pam's mother left them alone. After a few minutes of awkward silence Ryan cleared his throat before Regan began tugging on his ear. Jim looked up and grinned.

"Hey Regan…"

Ryan smiled.

"Let me make us up some plates then we'll sit down. Mind holding her."

Jim smiled as he walked over.

"Not that all."

Ryan handed Regan over and the baby right away giggled before laying her head on Jim's shoulder. Ryan went into the next room and watched them smiling.

Now a few months had past and life was slowly dragging alone. It would be a year soon since Pam's death and Regan's birthday.

Ryan sighed.

Life at Dunder Mifflin had been slow but the less excitement the better. David Wallace had stepped down and they were bought by a new company. Ryan got a slight pay increase and day after day he just sat back listening to Michael's crazy acts all the while watching Erin answering the phone and feeling his heart sink.

God he missed her.

Jim and him hung out one every other week. They would watch a game together, have a few beers, or just take Regan somewhere. Pam's mother found it nice that Ryan was letting Jim be part of her life, and Regan herself was very taken by him.

Christmas was coming and Ryan felt depressed. Twice he had to call his private sponsor since the urge to use was getting greater and greater. Somehow he knew Christmas would never be the same…

Ryan found himself that evening sitting on the living room floor. He had a few of Regan's gifts all ready wrapped and figured she was so young she wouldn't even understand what he was doing. Instead he sat Indian style with the wrapping paper and silent worked as the television played softly in the background. Ryan's mother said he should have even bothered wrapping, she was so young she might find the paper more interesting than the toys.

But Ryan wanted to make it special, it wasn't just Christmas…it was her birthday too.

Thinking of Pam, he felt his chest get heavy. It seemed harder and harder to think of her face lately.

Sitting there he signed before seeing Regan crawl around on the carpet beside him. The latest gift had been pulling Rusty's tail while he slept.

Regan was giggling before taking hold of the couch.

Ryan went back to wrapping before he paused.

Looking over he saw Regan hold onto the couch and walk along the side, her chubby little legs weren't moving quickly but she was getting the idea. For a split second she let go of the couch and giggled. Ryan's eyes widened before Regan took another step and fell right on her bottom.

Looking puzzled for a second, she went back to crawling.

Ryan dropped the tape he was using and smiled.

"Oh my God…"

He reached over and held the baby who giggled even harder.

"You…just…walked…"

His mother was out shopping, he went to yell for her before remembering. Laughing he looked at her before kissing her head.

"You took your first steps, what a good girl!"

The baby squealed with delight before Ryan scooped her up. How badly he wanted Pam here right now. Looking at her he smiled and then for no reason at all grabbed his cell phone that laid on the coffee table.

Dialing quickly he grinned when there was an answer. Regan wiggled in his arms and began talking and muttering to herself in the few words she knew.

"Jim! It's me Ryan! No, no…Regan just took her first steps! I know!"

He laughed while on the phone.

All the meanwhile Regan sat on his lap and giggled.


	15. Chapter 15

"Dada, dada! Dada!"

Regan happily babbled as she reached up and tugged at Ryan's hair which had just begun to go nearly ear length as it did when he first started Dunder Mifflin. A slight curl beginning to form as it always did on the ends.

Ryan was taking his morning shower. Usually he bathed Regan in the sink, but lately usually on Saturdays he would take her into the shower with her and enjoy the quality time alone, softly humming or singing to her as the warm water poured down on them. He would hold her, she would giggle whenever the water fell on them or squeal with delight if he made faces at her or gently soaped her hair with the baby shampoo he used for her.

Regan was a year and three months now and was growing every second. She was starting to slowly get the hang of walking, even though she often took a few steps, stumbled and landed on her bottom before crying in utter outrage. She was talking up a storm now, even though she only had the grasp of a few words. Surprisingly enough now that Jim and him were hanging out more often, grieving for Pam in their own way and trying as hard as they could with moving forward, Regan had taken such a likening to Jim she would run, her chubby little legs pumping whenever he came over or Ryan and him would take her to the park or zoo. She would love being held by him and giggle whenever Jim spun her around and kissed her cheeks. One day she began even attempting to say his name.

"Jim, dada Jim…!"

It didn't exactly sound like Jim whenever she said it but just the same he knew what she was saying. The first time she did this was when Jim and him were taking her to a toy store. Jim wanted her to pick out something for Christmas since he didn't really know what she wanted or what a one year old could use. Ryan said he didn't have to but Jim bowed his head and admitted he was lonely this holiday, and pretty depressed. Understanding perfectly the two spend a Sunday afternoon with the baby. At the toy store Ryan explained Regan was really too young to pick something else but had begun to go crazy over these rubber dogs that squeaked whenever you pulled its tail. Ryan told Jim that Regan loved Rusty their dog and begun wanting anything that had to do or look like dogs. In fact a pile of stuffed dogs and teddy bears began to surround one side of Ryan's bedroom.

Jim bought four, two white, and one striped, and the other black. He asked Ryan if he should even bother wrapping them but Regan who was sitting in the carriage spotted them and began reaching out and wiggling like mad.

"Jim!"

She said in a happy excited voice. Ryan and Jim stared at each other, mouths open in shock at the checkout line before Jim grinned in complete amazement. Ryan smiled watching as Jim went over, kissing Regan's head and handing her the dogs. He then knew, such a simple little thing had helped Jim with his depression, and had even helped his.

That Christmas Jim spent with his parents but he had called Ryan wishing him a happy one. Both didn't mention Pam but had just talked about the baby. Regan really didn't understand Christmas just yet but Ryan and his mother had gone all out. Ryan knew his mother could read him perfectly and understand it had been a year since Pam's accident. She had gotten a tree and took down all the old decorations from Ryan's childhood.

She made the house warm and comforting. Pam's mother came by with plenty of food to feed an army and a handful of gifts for her little granddaughter. She explained she would be flying out to see her other daughter. For a brief moment while her mother was pouring coffee in the other room, Pam's mother held Regan and looked sad. Sighing, she stared at Ryan and shook her head.

"A year…a whole year. I miss her so much Ryan…"

Before he could say anything his mother came into the room.

That night he took Regan into his bed again and held her, listening to her breathing before shutting his eyes and crying.

Christmas was peaceful as was Regan's birthday. A day he honestly thought last year when Pam told him she would meet him at his house that fateful night that he saw in their future which seemed so exciting and new. He saw them living in Boston. Both working jobs they loved, Pam doing her art and their baby…their little baby turning a year old. A year since they finally saw they loved each other more than life itself.

Instead, he was spending his baby's birthday and first Christmas alone.

But the holiday was mellow and low key, exactly what he wanted. He had spent nearly five hundred dollars in toys and clothes for Regan in which his mother joked that by the time she turned four he would be bankrupt and she would have her own little sports car. Ryan unwrapped the gifts with her, as she sat on his lap watching his hands rip away at the paper and grin as she simply stared at the box or began giggling with joy. Ryan's mother held the camera watching and laughing.

He fed Regan dinner and even let her have a taste of egg nog in which she wrinkled her nose and stuck her tongue out in disgust. Ryan started laughing so hard he didn't think he could stand it.

Ryan's mother had bought him a new camera since he loved taking photos of the baby, and some new ties for work. He thanked her before tugging her tight and telling her he honestly didn't know what he would have done with himself if he didn't have her. Smiling, she kissed his cheek and looked right into his big blue eyes.

"I love you Ryan, you might not believe this but your still my baby. I love you."

Smiling, he kissed her back before turning towards Regan who was all ready fast asleep. Rusty laying on the floor and chewing some wrapping paper left on the floor.

Now here he was, the holidays had came and past and it was a new year. Winter had started to slowly drift away and he dreamed of spring finally coming. Enjoying his Saturday to himself and his daughter, he woke up to the sounds of her babbling in her crib. Getting up, glasses on and hair sticking up he looked down and smiled.

She smiled up at him and tried to stand up, holding onto the bars of the crib.

Now they were showering. Holding her chubby little body, he watched as she laid her head against his smooth and hairless chest as warm waster rolled down it. Smiling, he softly sung to her before stopping the water and stepping out. Walking over to the mirror, he used his free hand that wasn't holding her and wiped the stream off the mirror before pointing to it.

"See Regan, that's you princess. That's my baby."

Regan looked at the mirror, and as she so often did whenever she saw her reflection her cheeks turned pink and she laughed.

He dried them off, and changed her before doing her hair in pigtails. He wasn't the best at doing her hair, that was more his mother but he had started getting the hang of it. As much as he hated it, he had asked Kelly just last week at work for a few pointers. Kelly gushed and talked his ear off for an hour. Today he was planning on hanging out with Jim, which was something his mother and Pam's mother welcomed and thought was wonderful the two were getting along and having Jim be part of Regan's life after the horrible events that happened last year.

Hardly anybody at work knew how often they saw each other, not even Michael. Their friendship, or whatever relationship they formed around Regan was just between them. They enjoyed each other's company, and loved gushing over the baby…she was Pam's after wall. Their last connection between them. They honestly were just two lonely men who had loved the same woman.

They could just sit together, watching the television, jogging, watching a sport's game, or just eating and feel at peace. There was no longer any anger about the past…it was starting to slowly slip behind them.

Today like most days when Jim visited Ryan's mother would go out. Today she was seeing friends and was planning a trip soon before the summer. The night before, Pam's mother called asking if she could keep Regan over night at her place soon. Ryan of course trusted her, but he really hadn't been away from her since she first came home from the hospital. He said of course she could, but knew that night he wouldn't be able to sleep a wink.

Today Jim was coming over. They were going to play with Regan in the backyard since all of the snow had melted three weeks ago and the early warm spring weather was just beginning to come in. Jim asked if he could come over and play with her in the backyard. Ryan said sure, knowing Regan and himself were going stir crazy after being cooped up all winter.

He said he would bring food and Ryan said he had brought two six packs and his mother had given him a bottle of wine for the holidays he hadn't opened yet, He joked that once Regan was down for her nap the two could get trashed and watch the latest basketball game playing.

By the time he got downstairs his mother had left for the day but a note on the table explained there was food in the fridge and that Regan had been acting fussy last night when she was watching her while Ryan caught up on work in the other room.

Still humming to her, he moved from place to place getting ready for Jim to come. As always the house was clean but cluttered. Putting Regan in her wheeling seat, he took Rusty out back and then took the six packs up from the basement and put them in the fridge.

Picking up some of Regan's toys that littered the floor, he smiled and blew a kiss to Regan who was wheeling around up and down the hallway with one of her dogs in her hands.

An hour later Jim came over.

_**Later…**_

It was late afternoon and Regan was in the next room in her bassinet sleeping. Ryan had tried putting her up in her crib but she had began acting so fussy he decided to keep her downstairs. Jim, who had been sitting on the couch having take out watched him before getting up and following into what was now the downstairs spare bedroom they used whenever his mother's cousins were visiting from Los Angeles. It was a small unused room most of the time, but he kept a lot of Regan's things in there,, including her car seats, and things from when she was first born. The bassinet sat on the center of the large made bed. He knew she was getting too big for it but it was something she was comfortable with and he knew she would have no trouble falling asleep. Jim watched as Ryan carefully felt if she was wet before laying her down and pulling up the blanket. Regan gurgled before saying a few babbled words as Ryan sat on the bed looking down at her and smiling. Within a few minutes she was asleep.

Looking up Ryan smiled at Jim and walked out into the living room.

"Don't need a baby monitor when she's in the next room, but just to make sure..."

Ryan said turning it on and setting it on the table beside their empty beer can and now nearly empty wine glasses. Jim sat beside him smiling before going back to picking at her food.

They watched the game before cleaning up and finished up the bottle of wine and drank two more beers each. Finally the game was over and Ryan turned down the volume. The sound of Regan's breathing over the monitor was soothing.

They drank silently before Jim lowered his head and caught Ryan off guard by crying. Ryan lowered his beer and raised an eyebrow. Jim cried softly before looking up an wiping his eyes.

Their blue eyes locked, suddenly it felt as if there wasn't any air left in the room. They stared at each other before he lowered his dead deeply sighing.

"I miss her…"

He reached over, touching his back. Fighting off his own tears.

"I know man, so don't I."

He lifted his head, his eyes bloodshot and worn from crying. They both stared at each other before that funny feeling came between them again. The same feeling that seemed to be happening more and more often now. His mouth feeling dry, he lightly licked her lips before leaning forward. They were inches away from each other, slowly coming closer.

Just then thin cries came from the next room and both snapped out of it. Sitting up straight he cleared his throat while the other quickly wiped his eyes. Both got up and began heading down the hall.

Ryan walked head first, his heart strangely pounding in his chest. For a brief second he saw himself laying at the bottom of the chapel stairs while Jim tried to strangle him, his eyes lost in rage.

Then he saw them the last couple of months together. Working beside each other, taking their lunches together, and ignoring the gossip and strange looks. Pretending, that horrible terrible thing last year hadn't happened.

He thought of how Jim had cried, how both understood how much they had loved Pam and how just a series of bad luck and tragedy followed. How now they hung out, laughed together, jogged in the park, played with Regan, and deep down inside mourned for Pam.

How Jim's face would light up whenever he saw the baby…

He was grateful he escape those thoughts and go in to see Regan who had woken up and was crying. Feeling his hands shake, he leaned over and scooped her up.

"What is it baby? You just wake up?"

Regan cried as he gently kissed her head and held her tight pacing back and forth.

"You hungry baby? Huh?"

Regan buried her face in Ryan's shirt crying as Jim watched from the doorway.

In just a brief flash, Ryan saw himself yanking down his fly as Pam sat on the poker table, grabbing him and kissing him…

He pushed this image away and kissed the baby's head again, getting her to calm down.

Just then Jim walked in, hands shoved in his pockets.

"You're a great father…you know that?"

Ryan looked up, feeling himself somehow blushing.

"Thanks…"

"No really, you're great with her…"

Ryan smiled, clutching onto the baby.

"Thanks man."

Turning, slightly, he checked the bassinet and knew he needed to change her and then feed her another bottle. His thoughts were spinning and when he turned Jim stood right in front of him, his eyes filled with tears.

Ryan looked up at him, his heart pounding.

Jim looked down at the baby, who was cranky and laying against Ryan's shirt. His eyes lifted and he stared at Ryan.

Then…

Jim leaned over and kissed him.


	16. Chapter 16

Ryan pulled away, at first not completely understanding what had exactly happened. His breath was short and he was clutching Regan so tightly that the baby stirred uncomfortably against his chest. His sparking big blue eyes widened against his much lighter ones. His heart pounding, he suddenly thought for a brief second he was dreaming. That he would wake up within the next couple of seconds with Regan curled up and sleeping beside him and he would just brush it off as one of those odd weird dreams you got every once in awhile. He would blame it on the fact Jim and him had been hanging out so much lately and maybe in some weird way it went back down to simple fact he just missed Pam.

But it wasn't, they were standing there in the guest bedroom and this was real. Jim right away lowered his eyes and took a step back.

"I'm…sorry man, I shouldn't have done that...I should go…"

Jim turned before Ryan looked down at the baby and then called out to him before he left the room.

"Jim?"

Jim stopped, turning. His eyes embarrassed.

Ryan shifted his feet, still holding onto Regan.

"Why did you do that?"

The kiss had only lasted less than ten seconds, both of their eyes were open and it was dry, awkward, and strange. Tiny pinpricks seemed to go through his body but then the shock of what exactly was happening caused the look of utter shock causing Jim to pull away.

Jim looked at him.

"I…don't know."

Ryan wanted to ask Jim if he was gay. He wanted to ask if he had ever kissed a man before. He wanted to know if this just a moment of weakness. A stupid mistake or just when two people weren't thinking and one's emotions went too far. Instead, Ryan needed to ask the most important thing of all.

"Jim, why don't you hate me?"

Jim looked at him.

"What?"

"Why don't you hate me? I slept with Pan when you two were engaged. I was a complete jerk to you before, and I did the worst thing anybody could possibly do to someone. Pam and I lied to you…making you think she was having your baby. We went behind our back…we were going to run away Jim!"

The baby stirred in Ryan's arms before Ryan looked down at the floor, holding back from tears. The only person he cried in front of was Regan, he wasn't the type to really show emotion. Now here he was, holding his daughter that was the result of a half an hour in some small stuffy room at the office building. A year behind him of struggling with drug use, parenthood, and grief over the woman he knew he loved but now lost. Now the man they had both wronged was his friend suddenly, and had kissed him. He couldn't understand this.

Jim walked over, staring down at Ryan.

"I hated you and Pam too long. But it won't turn back time. I've explained this Ryan. I miss her…and I'm jealous. You have a daughter…the daughter I wanted more than anything. Hating you won't change anything…"

"But why…"

He couldn't finish, instead he just looked up at Jim before one single tear rolled down his face. Jim reached over and gently wiped the tears away from Ryan's pale smooth skin. Ryan felt himself tense by his touch and felt dizzy.

"Jim…are you gay?"

Jim took a second before taking a deep breath, looking down at his shoes.

"I dated a guy back in high school for nearly a year. My parents knew about it, but they kept it from my brothers since…well their assholes. He didn't go to my school, he was a neighbor. I was young and confused. I was attracted to him but he moved away and we never saw each other again. Once I started college I started seeing girls again and it seemed right. I never really looked back on that period of my life…girls seemed safe and I loved them. Most of all Pam. But I really don't know what I am. I saw myself spending the rest of my life with Pam…now that is no longer in the cards, I guess I'm just lonely…"

Ryan looked down and thought of Pam the last time he saw her. Pregnant, beautiful, and alive…

"I have every reason to hate you, but every time I look at Regan I think to myself…you can't be that bad…you and Pam made her, and she's perfect…"

"Jim I…"

Before he could say anything Jim was kissing him again. His mouth on his, slowly opening and closing, his tongue slipping into his mouth as both of their eyes shut. Regan still in Ryan's arms looked up, smashed and uncomfortable. Ryan shut his eyes, allowing to let himself just drift away…for a brief second he thought of Pam.

Her beautiful gray eyes, her long red hair, her creamy skin, her laugh, her smile…

He thought for a brief second it was them kissing. That all of this had just been some horrible dream. Pin pricks danced through his body, his head became light, an erection all start starting in his jeans, and his heart pounding deep in his chest.

Jim's hands went to each side of his face, held him and kissed him harder.

Their lips smashed against each other, and both struggled to breath.

Ryan then opened his eyes and all he saw was Jim, leaning down, his nose against his and feeling his soft lips pull on his. The room was spinning, he then knew exactly what they were doing.

"Don't…"

Ryan pulled back, and thought for a second he was going to fall backwards with the baby. Regan, relieved that she wasn't squished against her father's chest uttered a cry for attention and began pulling on the collar of his T-shirt.

Jim looked at him, his eyes ashamed and pleading.

Right away he shook his head.

"Jesus…"

Ryan suddenly didn't think he could breath.

"I really better go…"

"Yeah I think that's a good idea…"

Jim nodded before Ryan tried to swallow and couldn't. Feeling his throat start to close, his eyes widened before he tried to take a breath.

Nothing.

Jim began to turn when Ryan opened his mouth, a breathless gasp escaped. His heart pounding even harder everything seemed so bright and blurry. He hadn't had an attack like this in years…now it was happening. He couldn't breathe.

"Jim…"

He was able to choke out. Jim turned, about to say something, his eyes still on the ground when he saw the lack of color in Ryan's face. His eyes wide, and his mouth opening and closing like a fish. Clutching the baby, Ryan lunched over slightly.

"I…can't…breathe…"

That's when Ryan's eyes rolled back into his head, falling Jim rushed over but didn't catch him in time. Ryan fell hard to the carpet floor with Regan still in his arms. The baby, thankfully landed right on Ryan and barley hit the floor from the fall, hitting her bottom and whacking her head good against Ryan's chest she began to scream.

"RYAN!"

Jim screamed, running over as Regan turned bright red against Ryan who laid on the carpet floor motionless. Falling to his knees, he saw Ryan open his eyes almost in pain he began to gasp. A horrible wheezing sound coming from his chest as he clawed at his throat.

The baby kept screaming.

That's when Jim remembered…Ryan had asthma.

"Ryan! Stay awake! Where is your inhaler?!"

Ryan still clawing at his throat motioned to the other room. Jim didn't even think about calling 911, instead he stumbled up and ran out of the room searching for the stupid inhaler. The baby continued to scream against him as Ryan stared up at the ceiling and began to drift away again.

The pain in his chest didn't seem so bad, in fact the numbness that was overtaking him seemed nice. Regan's screams and Jim in the other room throwing things over in complete panic began to echo and go away. Laying there, he thought how stupid it was…he had an asthma attack just because Jim kissed him…

Jim, the man him and Pam took part in wrecking his life.

He thought for a brief second he could see Pam standing above him, looking down dressed in a gray sweater. Her hair flowing down and her beautiful eyes looking worried down at him. Ryan wanted to reach up and touch her so badly. To just fade away and go with her…

Instead in the blink of an eye she was gone and Jim was back nearly falling to the floor with the inhaler in his shaking hands.

Helping lift Ryan's head, he shoved it in his mouth and triggered it. Right away the fresh cool medicine like air drifted into Ryan's throbbing tight lungs. Triggering it again, Jim looked down at him, his bangs hanging in his face as he triggered it a third time.

Fresh oxygen began to rush back into Ryan's throat.

"Breath man! Come on!"

Ryan turned over and began to couch. Jim sat back, terrified as Regan leaned against Ryan's side, holding onto his T-shirt with her tiny fists and screaming.

"Dada!"

Ryan felt like he was going to throw up, he was dizzy and the sudden rush of air made him feel like passing out again.

Jim rubbed his side.

"You okay man? You need me to call an ambulance?"

Ryan coughed again, still trying to catch his breath before looking over at him. His face still flushed. Looking at Regan, he reached over right away freaking out.

"Jesus! Did I fall on her?"

Regan snuggled up against Ryan's chest as he tried to sit up slightly and hold her. She continued crying. Ryan suddenly thought of a million horrible things that could have happened. What if he fell on her? What if she crashed down on the floor and cracked her skull? Checking her, making sure she wasn't bleeding Ryan felt light headed again.

He could have killed his baby.

Jim saw this and the panic on Ryan's face.

"She's okay man, take it easy…she's fine."

Ryan looked up, holding Regan before gulping.

"I…saw Pam."

Jim just stared at him.

_**Later… **_

Ryan had wanted to take Regan to the emergency room. Right away millions of horrible thoughts of her internally bleeding or having broken bones scanned through his head. After she settled down and began taking her bottle Jim told him not to worry.

Ryan never felt so guilty before in his entire life.

"I haven't had an attack like that since I was a kid. Jesus I should have known better to put her down when I felt dizzy."

Jim sat across from him in the kitchen. Ryan's mother wouldn't be home until later on and the house was now silent other than the sound of Regan taking her bottle and looking up wide eyed at Ryan who held her tightly in his arms.

"I'm sorry Ryan, I really shouldn't have done that."

Ryan looked up, he had been so worried with Regan he hadn't even thought about what had happened. Looking at him he sighed.

"I'm not gay Jim."

Jim nodded looking down at the coffee he had poured.

"Neither am I…at least I didn't think so."

"Jim, you can be part of Regan's life you don't have to…"

"Ryan…"

Jim stopped him and looked as though it was taking great effort to say.

"I find you attractive. I hated you for so long but I can't explain it. Maybe it's because of Pam…I don't know, but ever since I came to your house that day…I don't know, I couldn't get you off my mind…"

"Jim don't…please…"

Jim sighed.

"I knew this was a mistake, I'm going to go…I need to get my shit together. I've been putting off taking the job just to be around you, how fucked up is that? I can't do this anymore, it isn't fair to you. I'm sorry Ryan honestly…"

Ryan looked at him before Jim pushed his chair back and stood up.

"I'll take you and Regan to the hospital if that will make you feel better, but I think she's okay really."

Ryan's big blue eyes stared up at him.

"No, that's okay…"

Ryan stood as well, still holding Regan so she could take her bottle. Ryan lowered his head before raising his eyes back at Jim, he was crying.

Jim stared at Ryan before Ryan took a step forward.

"I miss her so much Jim, I just want her back!"

Jim opened his arms, taking Ryan in them as he held Regan who at the moment was too busy with her bottle to really care about being in-between the two of them. Ryan cried in Jim's arms before Jim gently lifted his chin.

Both locked eyes before Ryan shook his head, thinking of Pam…his beautiful Pam.

"I must be crazy…"

There he kissed Jim again.

_**One hour later…**_

Ryan looked at himself in the bathroom mirror.

Regan was down for another nap since she had started to run a slight fever and seemed cranky. Ever since Jim left, he had decided to bathe Regan in the kitchen sink and look her over very carefully for any bumps or bruises. Finally when everything seems okay he dressed her in a one piece and put her down in the crib with the rest of her bottle. Brushing her hair back, he gently kissed her head.

"I'm sorry baby…"

He muttered before shuffling into the bathroom. Looking in the mirror he sighed at the claw marks he had made on his neck with his fingernails. Sighing, he then saw the two hickys that were on his neck, pulling the collar of his T-shirt away he saw an even worse one before it got too hot and heavy, Jim and Ryan had broke apart. By then Regan had been placed in her highchair where she drank her bottle and banged in the plastic tray with a few of her foam farm animals she played with whenever she was eating. That whole half an hour had been a blur. Ryan remembered when they stopped kissing he put Regan in her highchair and Jim had grabbed him by the sides of the face, quickly drawing him in close before pressing his mouth against his.

BJ closed his eyes, getting lost again while trying his hardest to control his breathing.

They found themselves in the living room, Jim's hands kept going to Ryan's sides, pulling up his T-shirt and letting his hands grab hold of Ryan's smooth skin. His lips were going against his like a madman, and once Ryan felt his erection go up against his thigh he backed off, sweating and shaking his head.

"No, we have to stop…"

He was losing his breath again. Jim looked at him, his eyes gentle before his thumb went over across Ryan's lips which were swollen and puffed out from Jim tugging on them. Jim smiled before tilting his head to the side.

"Are you okay?"

Ryan nodded, even though he was feeling dizzy again. Ryan eyed the kitchen where Regan had thrown her bottle down in protest and was banging her toy cow down and wiggling in her seat.

"I…should…I mean…"

Jim nodded as Ryan stumbled over his words.

"Okay, I understand. You okay?"

Ryan didn't want to look at him but he did and saw the most strangest pleasant smile in his eyes. Ryan never looked twice at men like this, his whole life he never gave it any afterthought…instead here he was, so confused and looking at the man he had hated and wronged for so long.

His stomach was dancing and he hadn't felt this way since…

Since Pam.

He felt sick. Gulping, he stepped back.

"Listen…"

Jim smiled before checking his watch.

"I better now for real this time. Listen…if you want to talk give me a call, if not…we'll just show up to work on Monday and act as if nothing happened. I'll be leaving soon anyways and I don't want things to be weird…"

"But I thought you said you didn't want to leave…"

Jim smirked before running his hand through his hair.

"Yeah…well if you want to talk we'll talk. If not I understand…I should go though."

Ryan nodded and stayed frozen in place until Jim was gone. Grabbing his inhaler he triggered it off and began to get a headache from using it too much. As if he was in a dream he went from one thing to another, bathing Regan, checking her over, dressing her, putting her down for her nap, and now looking at himself in the mirror.

He wondered how he would explain these marks to his mother. Sighing, he locked the bathroom door and masturbated silent to himself, sitting on the edge of the tub his head tilted back and his eyes shut.

Thinking of Pam.

Afterwards he washed up and changed, going into his bedroom he sat beside Regan's crib and felt very depressed. Before his mother came home he took Regan out of her crib and curled up in bed with her. The baby shifted, gurgling before he pulled back the covers and laid in bed beside her. Whenever he felt depressed or worried he would lay in bed with the baby. He would often slowly feel relaxed. Curling up, he kissed the side of Regan's head and shut his eyes.

He felt sick and needed to just escape this.

Falling asleep, smelling the clean sheets and the baby powder on Regan's skin he drifted into a peaceful sleep that stopped his mind from spinning.

He right away began to dream of Pam.

_He was in some back room somewhere, windows looked out on a lush green lawn as autumn leafs gently fell from the trees lining the property. He was dressed in a tux and never felt so nervous before in his entire life._

_He was alone, the strong smell of cologne in the air as he stared at himself in a full length mirror smoothing down his jacket. His hair was combed back and for the first time since he first got the job in New York, he thought he really looked good._

_Smiling, he admired himself before there was a knock on the door, turning he saw Pam poke her head in. Right away Ryan felt his heart skip a beat. It was really her, she was still alive._

_Complete overwhelmed he just stood there as she gently smiled and walked in, silently closing the door behind her._

_She was in the same exact wedding dress she wore at Jim and her wedding. Her hair was pinned up and beautiful and her face was glowing. Walking over, she nervously twisted her hands together._

"_I know it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding but I'm so nervous and I needed to see you."_

_Ryan just stood there in complete awe._

_They were getting married._

_Pam smiled moving in close, the scent of roses in the air before she took one of his hands and slid it over to the slight bump showing underneath the netting fabric of her dress._

"_She's kicking up a storm."_

_Pam said smiling._

"_She must know what's going on…"_

_Pam said looking down at herself. Ryan felt their baby kick inside of her before he couldn't stand it anymore. Everything had been a horrible nightmare and here he was. Pam was still alive and they had their whole futures ahead of them._

_Everything was going to be okay._

"_God I love you…"_

_Ryan said staring at her. Pam smiled, her gray eyes locking with his blue before Ryan looked down at her stomach again. There was still hope, there was still time…he could fix things._

_The baby faintly kicked and Ryan's eyes lifted looking at her. He had so much to say, right away a horrible aching filled his chest. He wanted to tell her how much he loved her, how not to die. That he needed her just a little bit longer, that he couldn't do this alone…_

_Pam's smooth hand slid against his face and she smiled._

"_Life is for the living Ryan."_

"Ryan"

Ryan woke with a start. His mother was gently shaking his arm in the darkness of the room. Breaking away from this wonderful dream, Ryan tried his hardest to hold on before his eyes opened and he found himself laying in his bed. His mother looked as though she had just gotten home and her eyes seemed faintly worried. Reaching over on the nightstand, she clicked on the night causing Ryan to squint. He had fallen asleep with his contacts on and they felt dry.

"Mom?"

His throat felt dry and glancing at the clock he saw he had slept nearly three hours. It was almost dark now. Right away Ryan looked down at Regan who was just beginning to stir awake. His mother reached down and picked her up.

"How many times do I have to tell you not to fall asleep with the baby in the bed."

His mother felt Regan's bottom.

"She needs a change…"

Ryan blinked again, still groggy from the heavy sleep.

"Let me get that…"

He began to get up when his mother warmly smiled.

"You look exhausted, I got it…oh my god!"

Ryan sat up slightly, just waking up.

"What?"

His mother reached over and pulled the collar of his T-shirt away before Ryan suddenly remembered, pulling back he looked up at her.

"Whoa!"

"What are those marks on you! They look like bruises!"

"It's nothing, Regan just bit me."

"She bit you!"

"Yeah and I shaved earlier so it made the skin so red, I'm fine."

His mother tried to look again but he pulled away.

"I'm fine, really…it's nothing."

His mother's look then seemed odd, she stared at his neck for a moment before looking down at Regan and smiling.

"Was Jim over today?"

Ryan's heart pounded.

"Yes…"

His mother kissed the top of Regan's head.

"Well I'm going to have my little granddaughter changed and get herself some dinner. How does that sound honey? Huh?"

She said in a baby voice tickling Regan who giggled. She left the room a few minute or so later. Hearing the door click, Ryan jumped up and ran into the bathroom flicking on the lights. Looking at himself in the mirror, the bruises looked ugly.

"Damnit, he really went to town…"

Ryan said to himself, his fingertips touching the tender skin where Jim had kissed him. Suddenly looking at them he felt sick and guilty. Backing up, he ran his hands through his hair and sighed.

His thoughts went back to Jim and how he had kissed him, his mouth opening and closing, his lips going against his, that dizzy spinning feeling overtaking him…

He thought of Jim and his heart pounded.

He wanted to hold Regan.

Thinking of how stupid he had been, telling his mother the baby had bit him and he had hurt his skin shaving he stood in his room and felt his stomach begin to twist in knots.

He knew he needed the baby, leaving his room he grabbed his hoddie and threw it over his shoulders zipping it up. The less his mother could see on his skin the better. Crossing the hall, he gently knocked on her bedroom door.

"Come in!"

He heard his mother say. Opening the door open, he saw his mother sitting up in bed watching the evening news with Regan, freshly dressed in his arms taking her last bottle. She warmly smiled, dressed in her bathrobe.

Ryan stood in the doorway, he gripped the wall.

"Mom, mind if I take her. I'm not feeling so hot."

Her mother raised an eyebrow.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm just having trouble sleeping…is it okay if I take her, she makes me feel better."

His mother warmly smiled.

"Honey, did…anything happen that you want to talk to me about?"

Ryan shook his head.

"No, nothing…I just need to get some sleep."

His mother looked down at the baby before nodding.

"Okay as long as you're careful."

Ryan nodded and quickly hurried over before taking her. Right away comfort overcame him as he held her in his arms. Fixing his arms, so she could still take the bottle Ryan looked at his mother with grateful eyes.

"Thanks…"

His mother smiled before looking up at him with worried eyes.

"Are you sure everything is okay?"

Ryan took a second before quickly nodding.

"Yeah, fine…"

"Just remember, you can talk to me okay?"

"Okay mom…thanks again."

Ryan quickly left bringing the baby into the room. Laying down beside Regan, he watched her silently take her bottle, her big blue eyes looking up at the ceiling with amazement. Laying there, hiked up on his elbow he watched her, his free hand reached over and tickled her stomach.

"What do you think?"

The baby looked at him before he remembered, a few years back when Dwight had won some salesmen of the year thing for the company of Dunder Mifflin. He remembered how Michael had forced them to have yet another wasteful meeting in which they practiced public speaking. Michael was making them toast in which Jim made an announcement on taking a trip soon, in which everyone gave their five cents on where he should go.

Phyllis went after, and Michael rudely cut her off before making him go.

"Why me? I thought we were going in order…"

"Don't be shy shy boy."

Ryan remembered he was sitting beside Pam and stood up making a quick speech about hopefully after business school getting another job someplace else in which Michael had a mini freak-out over. Sitting back down, feeling yet again creeped out he remembered Pam smiling at him.

"I think you just made Michael's blood pressure go up…he's scared to death of losing his cute temp."

Pam whispered.

Ryan blushed before smiling before Jim sitting behind them grinned and tapped him on the shoulder as Michael and Dwight were causing some scene up ahead.

"Yeah man, please we need all the normal people we can get."

Ryan smiled as Pam and Jim laughed.

Thinking of that memory, Ryan laid there looking at his baby.

He had been cheated out of the life he wanted.

What would have happened if Pam had lived? Where would they be? Would they be happy?

He thought of the two of them together with the baby and his heart ached.

Laying on the bed, he thought of Jim…and how soft his lips felt against his.


	17. Chapter 17

_**Four months later…**_

"Dunder Mifflin this is Erin."

It was a typical dull afternoon at Dunder Mifflin. The weather outside was warm and the phones and copy machine seemed to be the only sound that filled the dimly lit office. Erin, who was dressed in a purple blouse and black skirt transferred the latest call to Michael before hanging up and going back to quickly flipping through the files she still needed to put away.

Just then Ryan walked up to her desk, wearing a dark blue button up shirt and striped tie. His hair was combed back and his big blue eyes seemed clear and rather happy this afternoon.

"Hey Erin, would you mind if you faxed this over to Stamford, I tried earlier but the machine has been acting up."

Erin smiled up at Ryan before taking the paper from him. She could smell his cologne and felt that funny butterfly feeling in her stomach again. Taking a deep breath, she batted her lashes at him.

"Ryan, listen I don't know what you're doing tonight but I was wondering if you wanted to go over to Poor Richard's…"

Ryan faintly smiled.

"Ummm, sorry I can't I have plans."

The disappointment right away showed in Erin's face. It was perfectly clear that for the last few months since she wasn't getting anywhere with Andy she had developed a bit of a school girl crush on him.

"Well maybe this weekend or…"

Ryan sighed he hated to do this, lowering his voice he leaned in.

"Aren't you seeing Andy?"

Erin glanced past Ryan and at Andy who was humming and working at his desk. She shrugged before looking back at him.

"No…"

"Well, I would love to Erin but…I'm sorta seeing somebody at the moment."

Erin seemed shocked and even more disappointed.

"Wow, really?"

Ryan tried to smile but felt bad. Just a few days ago at his favorite coffee shop downtown his regular waitress had asked for his number and he had to give the same response. Now he had been getting his coffee at the drive thru.

Erin right away dropped her eyes, it was awkward and the silence was killing both of them. Clearing his throat, Erin looked up at him.

"Ummm, how's Regan?"

Ryan was relieved she changed the subject.

"Great, want to see the latest photos?"

Erin smiled.

"Of course."

Ryan smiled right back.

"Sure, hold on let me get the camera…"

Erin faked a smile, wanting to kick herself for being so stupid. A few seconds later Ryan came back with his camera.

"She's turning into a little ham posing, there's some ones from Easter I know you'll like…"

"Ryan!"

Michael stood in the doorway of his office grinning, cutting Ryan off as Erin and him looked up.

"Would my lovely temp ever be so kind in helping me clear out my trunk. I have a ton of newspaper to get rid of!"

Ryan smirked.

"Sure Michael…"

He handed Erin the camera.

"I'll be back."

Erin smiled taking it.

"I'll put it back on your desk when I'm done."

Watching Ryan and Michael leave Erin sighed before turning the camera on and flipping through the photos. Smiling, she saw on the tiny screen little Regan, who's hair was just beginning to lighten just like Pam's. Her eyes though were completely Ryan's.

There were photos of Regan in her cute little clothes. One thing she had to hand to Ryan was his sense of style. She honestly didn't know if it was Ryan's mother, but Regan was always dressed in the cutest clothes. Every photo she had something different on. Pink little Tutus, sundresses, overalls, blouses, and jumpers. Her hair in pigtails, ponytails, and headbands.

Ryan said that lately she had began loving wearing shoes even though her walking was still kinda unstable. Just a month or so ago Erin had given Ryan a book of styling little kid's hair for Regan. Ryan seemed embarrassed for not knowing but seemed to thank for a million times since he now got the hang of giving her braids. That's when she first thought he was flirting with her.

She liked the fact he was so pleasant to talk, even though everyone had spoken about his past history. She thought it was such a shame about what happened with Pam but respected him for moving forward and being what appeared to be a great father to his little girl.

She hated whenever Phyllis or Angela talked about him behind his back.

She also liked the fact Jim and him seemed to be good friends now. She couldn't believe what had happened between the two of them and that they were somehow able to get over it.

Erin clicked through the photos sighing, why were all the great guys taken?

That's when she froze as her finger went against the button to move forward.

It was a photo of Jim and Ryan sitting on a couch with Regan giggling on Ryan's lap. Jim's arm was around Ryan and he was kissing Ryan's cheek.

Erin gulped.

"Oh Jesus…"

"Hey there sweet stuff, what do you have there?"

Erin jumped nearly dropping the camera as Andy walked over taking a candy from the bowl beside the Dunder Mifflin business cards.

Erin clicked the cameras off and nervously smiled.

"Nothing, hey Andy what's up?"

_**Outside…**_

Ryan was hauling another pile of newspapers as Michael strolled over beside him playing with his cell phone.

That's when it hit him, his eyes widened and his heart skipped a beat.

"FUCK!"

He dropped the newspapers making Michael look at him with complete surprise.

Ryan remembered he hadn't deleted all the photos that had been taken last weekend off the camera before giving it to Erin. How could he have been so stupid? Running back into the building he almost knocked into Kevin who was on his way to pick up a pizza for lunch. Kevin grinned.

"Where's the fire…Fire guy!"

Ryan ran up the stairs not even bothering with the elevator.

By the time he reached Dunder Mifflin he was wheezing for breath and nearly burst through the door before trying not to look as if he had hurried in. Erin sat at her desk typing on her computer, and didn't even look up.

Ryan walked over, trying not to let himself breath too heavy.

"Erin…"

He said in a horsed voice. Erin looked up and smiled.

"Ryan I put your camera back on the desk, cute stuff…"

"Erin I…"

Just then the phone rang before Ryan could finish. Picking it up Erin winked at him before speaking.

"Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin."

Ryan stood there for a second, not exactly knowing what to do. Trying to take a deep breath he turned and silently went to his desk and looked at the camera, snatching it he hurried into the staff kitchen. Going into the men's room, he nearly stumbled in before leaning against the wall and clicked the camera on.

He clicked past the photos and froze.

He hadn't deleted the photo of Jim and him.

He stared at it and felt his stomach knot up. Maybe Erin hadn't seen it? He knew plenty of people who pretended to be interested in your baby but lied about it. Maybe she clicked it on, looked at a few photos and then shut it off. If you saw one photo of Regan who had seen them all. Maybe she clicked past it without even seeing, maybe it didn't hit her exactly what it was…

But what about that wink?

Reaching into his pocket, he grabbed his inhaler and triggered it off. Leaning against the wall he shut his eyes.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid…"

Just then the door opened and Jim walked in, shutting the door behind him, his eyes worried.

"You okay? I saw you rush in here like you were going to puke."

"I just did something so stupid."

Jim smiled, confused.

"What?"

Ryan handed him the camera.

"Erin wanted to see the latest photos of Regan…"

"Right…"

"Yeah, well look at the fifth photo in the slide…"

Jim took the camera, clicked it on and quickly pressed the button and then his eyes said it all.

"Oh shit…"

"Oh shit is right."

Jim then began laughing, Ryan looked at him as if he was crazy. Jim shrugged before handing it back.

"Did she say anything?"

"No, the camera was back on my desk and she just smiled and winked at me saying something like cute photos…what the hell is that?!"

"Maybe we should talk to her."

Ryan's face dropped.

"Are you serious?"

Jim leaned in close, his breath warm against Ryan's skin.

"Yeah…I mean what's the worst that can happen?"

Ryan looked at him.

"Have you worked at this place? Jesus Jim!"

Jim laughed.

"Ryan, after everything that's happened…I've just gotten the attitude to stop giving a shit. Ryan the last couple of months have been the most happiest I've had in…well since Pam if I have to be honest."

"Jim! This is still new to me, I'm confused and besides my mom and Pam's mom…nobody knows!"

Ryan then lowered his voice even more.

"We just…started sleeping together, I don't even know if I'm gay or not!"

Jim smiled and leaned in to kiss Ryan's jaw line.

"I think it's safe to say you're not completely straight…"

Ryan began to gasp for breath again.

"I…think…I'm going to be…sick…"

Jim pulled back.

"Take your inhaler."

Ryan fumbled to get it out of his pocket and triggered it before sighing.

"What are we going to do?"

"Well, talk to Erin. I think we can trust her but she is best friends with Kelly…

"Jesus…"

"Don't worry, we'll see. If worse comes to worse we'll talk to Toby."

"Are you serious!"

"Keep your voice down!"

"Toby? You mean…come out?"

"It's not coming out, it's disclosing our relationship to the company."

"Jim…are you crazy? A relationship?"

Jim made a face.

"What would you call it? I like to think of you as my boyfriend."

"Jim stop, I feel sick."

"Listen, we talked about this before. I know you want to take it slow but you said it yourself, your happy…we're happy. I know you're still confused and so aren't I, but why drive ourselves crazy over it?"

"Jim, it was tough enough to tell my mother and Pam's mother…"

"But you saw how they took it? They were glad to see us happy…you said your mother talked with you about how she thinks Pam brought us together…"

Ryan rolled his eyes.

"Please don't start with that again."

Jim held up his hands in defense.

"Listen I won't get into that bullshit, but admit it your happy?"

Ryan didn't want to but nodded.

"I'm not trying to rush you into anything but I care about you Ryan…I really do. We can keep making this work but if worse comes to worse we'll face it together…"

Ryan lowered his head.

"We'll talk to Erin or something…just give me a few minutes…"

Jim patted Ryan on the shoulder.

"We'll talk to her after work, don't worry okay?"

Ryan lifted his eyes, he felt dizzy.

"Okay…"

Jim smirked.

"We'll talk later okay?"

Ryan nodded before Jim flashed him a smile and left. Standing alone in the bathroom, he shuffled over to the sinks and cupped his hands before splashing some water on his face.

Blinking, his vision seemed blurred. He knew he would have to put his glasses on if his headache got any worse.

The last couple of months had gone by in a flash.

It all began the following day after Jim had kissed him. Leaving the baby with his mother he drove over to Jim's house which he hadn't been to in years. Jim had a brief party where back when Pam and him were married and Ryan had only stayed a few hours before leaving. Unknown to him at the time, Pam was a few months pregnant with Regan.

He knew this was Jim's parents old place and that he had bought it for her when they became engaged. It was a simple house that still needed a lot of work. Parking he got out and rang the bell, feeling his hands shake.

Jim answered in jeans and a T-shirt, slightly surprised to see him.

"Ryan…"

Ryan stood on the front steps and looked at him.

"Listen Jim, I can say I'm sorry about what happened to Pam a million times but like you said it won't chance what happened or the fact I loved her…I'm not gay Jim, I'm not…I just need…"

Jim then went over and kissed him on the lips. Ryan closed his eyes through the kiss and felt the same fluttering feeling he felt last night. Something he hadn't felt since Pam.

The kiss softly broke and Ryan blinked before Jim smiled at him. Ryan shook his head.

"This is crazy…"

Jim kissed him again.

"I know…"

At first they didn't exactly know where they were. That week at work Ryan couldn't seem to focus, wearing a turtle neck he sat at his desk and kept thinking about him. Finally before lunch Jim strolled over and asked him very casually if he wanted to grab a coffee. Ryan stumbled over his words.

"Ummm, yeah sure…"

At the coffee shop Jim reached over and touched his hand. Ryan looked down, feeling uneasy but excited. Jim looked at him.

"If you don't want this I understand, I don't want to push you."

Ryan sat back, gripping his coffee.

"Jim, I don't even know what 'this' is…I'm so confused. I mean…I'm not gay, at least I don't think I am…"

Jim smiled.

"Listen, we're just two guys who get each other…what's wrong with having a little fun?"

Ryan looked at him.

"Jim…how can you say that? I slept with Pam…I got her pregnant and we went behind your back and lied! We were in love and she was going to leave you…how can you even look at me?"

"Because…I now understand that's how life was supposed to happen. It was a mistake but I think it showed that Pam and me weren't really meant to be together. I loved her, and always will…but I guess she didn't completely feel the same way. I could live the rest of my life hating you but you and Pam made this beautiful girl. I've looked past all the hate and somehow it doesn't hurt as much knowing I'm not alone. Trust me I'm just as confused as you are. I love women Ryan, but I find you very attractive. I think ever since you let me back into you and your daughter's life I've felt a connection between us and it isn't just Pam. What's wrong with just seeing what happens?"

"Because of our history, Jim do you have any idea what would happen if anyone found out?"

"When did you start caring about what other people thought? Can't you see…most of all after Pam died that you need to start living your life and be happy…take a chance?"

"Pam took a chance the night she got herself killed…"

Jim lowered his head for a second.

"Ryan…life is for the living, can't you see that?"

The words echoed in Ryan's head. Looking at him, he felt his heard pound.

"I don't know what to do?"

Jim reached across and held his hand this time.

"Just take a chance Ryan…take a chance on me."

Ryan locked eyes with Jim and somehow felt that this was right.

Time past, Jim promised not to take any of this to work. They arrived every day, casual and pretending nothing had happened. Ryan would usually arrive first, he would fill the coffee pot, make copies, send out the mail, and then go straight to his desk. By then everyone was slowly coming in, the only person who came before him was Dwight who watered the plants and hummed loudly as Ryan silently worked around.

Jim would arrive, stroll to his office and wave and say hi. At lunch everyone usually Oscar, Kelly, Phyllis, Meredith, Erin, Stanley, and Andy would all crowd into the break room. Give or take whoever took their lunch. Every once in a while Jim and Ryan would sit with them but never together. They acted as if they were just distant friends…nothing more.

But the second Ryan was driving home in his car, his cell would ring and the second he answered it he would smile.

They would talk each night on the phone, long after Ryan's mother was fast asleep. Ryan would sit up in bed, the baby sleeping beside him as he laughed and talked about pretty much anything to him.

He would make up excuses to his mother whenever she was watching the baby to go see him. On the weekends he would take Regan and go over his house with him. A month later, Ryan finally decided enough was enough…he was going to talk to his mother about this.

Sitting with her one evening over coffee, he took a deep breath and told her everything. Once he was finished he could barley look at her.

"Are you disappointed?"

His mother reached over and made him look at her before she smiled.

"As long as your happy and nobody gets hurt…I love it."

Ryan grinned.

They decided to wait a little while before letting Pam's mother know. Ryan felt saying it wasn't serious, even though more and more Jim was all he could think about.

Jim came over the following Saturday to hang out and play with the baby. Ryan's mother was on her way out and stopped Jim in the hallway before reaching up and putting her hands on his shoulders.

"You boys have fun."

She smiled at him and left. When Jim strolled into the kitchen he found Ryan holding the baby warming up her afternoon bottle. Looking over his face said it all.

"What did she say?"

Jim began to laugh.

By the time his mother came home a few hours later both had to jump apart on the couch while Regan was taking her nap. Both had began making out during the baseball game and had just begun getting hot and heavy. Smoothing out their clothes, they sat apart and tried not to look guilty.

Another time, they were walking in the park. Ryan was pushing Regan in the stroller as Jim walked beside him. Both wearing baseball caps and enjoying the nice warm afternoon. That's when Jim's hand slipped into his.

Ryan looked over, at first nervous somebody would see.

Then he looked up and saw Jim smiling.

Somehow his worries went away.

He loved his sense of humor, he loved how good he was with Regan, and most of all…he loved how he somehow forgot everything around him whenever he was with Jim.

Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months.

When Pam's mother found out she spoke with him while the two were shopping for Regan. She explained it came as a shock, and didn't know if it was the smartest thing, but maybe because the two of them had loved her daughter so much…maybe it was life's funny way of making it work. From that point onward it wasn't bought up anymore.

Ryan wrapped himself up with Regan, and tried not to put too much thought into what was going on with Jim.

He started to notice whenever he saw him walk into the office, he was smiling.

Then finally came the day when they slept together.

Ryan's mother was taking Regan for the night. He planned on having a couple of beers at Jim's before heading back. Jim surprised him with dinner, and the two sat in Jim's living room laughing and talking.

That's when they started kissing.

Ryan felt short of breath, his thoughts kept going to Pam but he pushed them away. A few minutes later Jim whispered into his ear…

"Let's go to the bedroom…"

Ryan felt panic begin to leap inside of him.

"I…can't…"

Jim took his hand, and began kissing him softly against the neck.

That night was a blur. They took turns, and at first Ryan didn't think he could stand it. Laying against the cool sheets, he stiffened and cried out before Jim's hands ran up and down his smooth back.

He leaned in close, his breath warm.

"Shhhh, it's okay. Just stay with me."

Ryan gripped the sheets, trying to take a deep breath. This was the first time he had sex since…

Since he got Pam pregnant.

He suddenly felt sick but shut his eyes, moaning as Jim began to move.

When it was his turn, Ryan felt uncomfortable but got through it. Both collapsed in Jim's bed drenched with sweat and exhausted. Ryan took his inhaler and triggered it.

"Holy shit…"

Jim laughed, putting his arm around him and kissing his bare shoulder.

Both fell asleep together.

From that point onward, they were together.

Now here he was, hiding in the men's room and feeling scared to death. He had enjoyed the last couple of months and his time together with Jim.

They were spending more time together and when Ryan's mother asked if it was serious, he shrugged. Thinking back to the night before, he remembered how Jim had gently began kissing his stomach, softly as he worked his way down and undid his belt.

Ryan tilted his head back and started to sweat.

Now here he was…

Rubbing his face, he sighed.

"Oh Jesus…"

Getting himself together, he left and went back to his desk, barley able to even look up at Erin.

_**Later that day…**_

Ryan was collecting his stuff as the last of everyone began heading home for the day. Just then Jim walked over, his messenger bag thrown over his shoulder.

"You ready man?"

Ryan looked over, feeling on edge.

"Yeah, sure…"

_**In the parking-lot…**_

"Hey Erin, can we talk for a second?"

Erin turned from her car and saw Jim and Ryan standing together, their light jackets on.

"Ummm, yeah sure…"

Ryan looked down at his feet before Jim cleared his throat.

"Listen, we wanted to talk to you about the photos you saw today and…"

Erin's eyes widened before she shook her head.

"Oh…no, it's okay."

Jim fainted smiled.

"You saw it didn't you?"

Erin looked at Ryan who was still looking at his shoes.

"Yeah…I hope you guys aren't mad."

Jim shook his head.

"Oh, no of course not. We just wanted to talk to you first…I mean it's stupid but we wanted to make sure if you didn't mention this to anyone. I mean we haven't even gone to Toby about us being in a relationship…"

"WHAT?"

Ryan and Jim froze.

Slowly turning they saw Michael, Dwight, and Kevin standing behind them, ready to head to their own cars.


	18. Chapter 18

Ryan thought he was going to be sick.

Laying in his bed, Regan wiggled uncomfortably in his arms as he laid there staring up at the ceiling. His inhaler was on his nightstand and he had triggered it off so many times within the last few hours his stomach had turned. Regan gummed his arm, leaving a trail of drool as she babbled away saying different phrases she had picked up.

Ryan just laid there. He needed to hold her, he needed the tiniest bit of comfort right now. His heart pounded in his chest, and his head was swimming. Jim sat on the edge of the bed with his cell phone open. He had been talking for the last fifteen minutes or so but Ryan had blocked it out. His mother was downstairs making them tea.

"Okay, thanks again Toby…all right, bye."

Jim hung up deeply sighing before looking over at him. His brow wrinkling in a worried manner before he reached over and gently rubbed his arm.

"You okay?"

Ryan looked over as Regan laid her head on his chest.

"Do I look okay?"

Jim tried to smile.

"Hey, don't worry. I just talked to Toby and he said everything should be okay."

Ryan shut his eyes.

"Everyone knows…did you see the looks on their faces?"

Jim rubbed his arm back and forth slowly before gently patting Regan on the head.

"Hey, it could have been worse…"

Ryan cracked open one eye.

"Michael screamed 'GET OUT!' for a good five minutes straight. Kevin couldn't stop laughing…they thought we were joking until they saw us peel out of the parking-lot. Michael tried to chase me…Jesus!"

Jim smirked.

"Well when do things go smoothly at Dunder Mifflin. You of all people know that."

Ryan sighed.

"I was outed before I even let this whole relationship set in."

"Do you regret…us?"

Ryan looked at Jim and shook his head.

"No, of course not. It's just…I haven't gotten a chance to let things sink in. This last year has been a complete nightmare…things just seem to keep getting worse and worse."

"Don't worry, Toby is privately going to talk to Michael, Dwight, and Kevin. They could be sued if they did anything…"

"But they will! Remember Oscar! I'm just done with getting all this attention! I knew I shouldn't have come back!"

Jim sighed.

"Then maybe we should quit. I mean if we don't want any more drama let's just leave together."

"How will that help things? We have jobs there…besides it would be easier if I left with my history."

"Is that what you want?"

Ryan looked down at Regan who looked up at him with her big blue eyes.

"Dada."

She giggled before nuzzling her head against him. Ryan sighed, gathering her up in his arms and kissing her on the top of her head.

"Yeah…I think so."

Jim sighed before reaching over and rubbing his leg.

"Ryan…think back on everything that's happened. If you could go through that and raise this little girl, I think you can handle this. Don't let these people push you out."

"But look, first I made the company lose hundreds of thousands, got arrested, then the whole thing with Pam…everyone all ready hates me."

"No they don't…"

"They do, they just talk behind my back…I'm a fucking loser!"

"When did you start caring what these people thought?"

"They know enough of my business…I mean they all know how Pam got pregnant. Jesus, the only thing I love in my fucked up life has a horrible history behind it…"

"Ryan, if you really want to leave I'll understand…"

Ryan held onto Regan tighter.

"What about you?"

Jim smirked.

"I've been through a lot at this company, believe me I never thought I would be staying here as long as I would. There is this computer job I've been talking about taking, but David Wallace has been talking to Michael about maybe promoting me…"

"Really?"

"Yeah, I guess something about co-managers, it's a twelve percent pay raise…I mean the computer job seems pretty sweet but I honestly can't turn down the money."

"So you'll stay? After everything that's happened?"

Jim kept rubbing Ryan's leg.

"Yeah of course…I mean I stayed after everyone knew about Pam and you…I guess after everything that's happened I've just learned to stop caring what people think. I mean…as much as I hate it…the night Pam died…"

Ryan felt a pang in his chest as Jim went on.

"She was going with you…she made a choice and wanted to be happy. That didn't make her a bad person, but she just no longer cared anymore…she just went for it."

"And she got herself killed."

Jim sighed, pure pity in his eyes as he softly smiled.

"I'm trying to say…I've just learned to stop caring about other people. I just want to be happy."

"You don't care that everyone now knows that your gay…and that you are having a relationship with the same guy who had an affair with your wife and got her pregnant?"

Jim smiled.

"I don't care that people know that I care strongly about a guy who I've learned is a lot like me. Who loved man, and loves this little girl…"

Jim softly brushed back Regan's hair and smiled down at her.

"So how about it Ryan?"

Ryan looked up at him, honestly not knowing what to say.

_**A few days later…**_

Ryan took a second before walking into the office. Leaning against the wall he closed his eyes feeling a pounding in his temples.

"Please Pam, please help me…"

He softly whispered.

Opening his eyes he reached into his pocket, past his inhaler and grabbed his cell phone. Flipping it over he knew it was stupid, but he needed this. Clicking on the videos he had on his phone, he held it up and smiled watching the thirty second video he took of Regan a few weeks ago in her highchair. She was sitting there, eating oatmeal and smearing it all over her face while Ryan laughed filming it with his phone. Grinning as oatmeal dripped off her chin she smiled and said…

"Dada I love vouu!"

Which was really Daddy I love you.

The small video stopped and Ryan smiled. Putting it in his pocket, he took a deep breath and pushed open the doors.

There was silence.

Erin sat behind her desk in the middle of a call and smiled looking up at him. Ryan felt himself blush but kept walking on before he saw everyone was looking at him.

A phone rang in the background, but he saw Angela standing there in the back with her arms crossed. Oscar looked up from his desk and so wasn't Kevin who was holding back from giggling.

Meredith stared at them with Creed.

Stanley looked and so didn't Phyllis.

Just then he saw Jim walk out from the staff kitchen with his mug of coffee. Smiling he looked over at Ryan who felt frozen in place. Just then Michael and Dwight came from Michael's office.

Dwight looked at Ryan with narrow eyes before Michael grinned.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement!"

Jim's face dropped before Oscar stood up.

"Um, Michael…can I talk to you for a second?"

Everyone looked, the silence began killing Ryan as he shifted from foot to foot. Kevin began to giggle before Dwight crossed his arms, glaring at Ryan much like Angela and began shaking his head slowly. Ryan felt like it was a million degrees, sweat rolled down his face as everyone just stared.

Michael smiled at Oscar who quickly followed him into his office, shutting the door behind him.

More silence. Ryan just stood there when his eyes looked over at Jim. The only person who wasn't judging him and very much was going through the same thing. Just then the phone rang, Ryan looked over watching Erin answer it.

"Dunder Mifflin this is…"

_**2005**_

Jim was taking the paper stacks away after the 'Office Olympics', the paper doves Pam had made were now taken down as everyone began grabbing their coats and heading home.

Michael nervous strolled out, his coat on and his briefcase in hand before patting Jim on the back. Jim turned smirking.

"What's up?"

Michael looked as though he was on the verge of tears.

"Thank-you."

Jim smiled.

"Well, not's not everyday somebody buys a condo."

Michael's face lit up.

A few minutes later both Michael and Jim had gone home. Besides Toby in the back, Pam and Ryan were the only two left in the office. Pam was sitting at her desk checking the last of her voice messages which had stacked up during the course of the day. Ryan was over near his desk finishing something up for Michael when Pam glanced over.

Ryan was bent over sorting through the trash bit. Raising an eyebrow, slightly puzzled Pam watched ignoring whatever message she was listening to. Just then she saw what he was looking for.

The yogurt cover metal Pam had made.

Holding it up, Ryan smirked before glancing over at Pam. Right away he blushed and looked away quickly. Pam smiled, not being able to help the tiny little fluttering in her stomach. A few minutes later Ryan had his coat on and was heading towards the door.

Pam looked up just as she was finishing up for the day.

"Hey Ryan…"

Ryan looked over.

"Yeah?"

Pam smiled softly before looking up.

"Hey, I really don't care if you keep the yogurt metal, I mean it was stupid and…"

Ryan smiled looking down at her.

"No, you went through a lot of trouble and besides…when is the next time I'll win a gold medal for figuring out who's coming up on the elevator."

Pam smiled before Ryan winked at her.

"Bye Pam, take it easy…"

Pam smiled watching him go, not knowing that Ryan did indeed keep the handmade yogurt medal, in fact he tossed it in an old sneaker box which held yearbooks, his first dog's collar, and some basketball cards he collected over the years. He knew it was a stupid thing to do, in fact something a twelve year old girl might do…but for some strange reason he kept it.

In fact, shortly after his daughter's first birthday when he was feeling really depressed, Ryan was sorting through the basement and found the shoebox. Sitting down he sorted through everything that was there and smiled before holding up the shinny blue medal linked with paperclips.

Pam made this…

He thought before putting it back and lowering his head and crying.

_**Present.**_

Ryan took a deep breath and hurried to his desk. Taking a seat, he put his bag down and felt his heart thudding in his chest.

Glancing over he saw inside Michael's office where Oscar was sitting down talking with Michael. Wanting to die, he switched his computer on wondering what they were talking about. He knew what everyone thought…

Oscar was gay and that's why he was talking to Michael.

Just then Toby walked over to Michael's office door and knocked. Ryan watched as he went inside and saw Phyllis and Andy looking at him. Dropping his eyes, he looked over at the framed photo of Regan and felt suddenly everything begin to block out.

She was home with Pam's mother. Lately every time he left for work in the morning Regan would flip out. It was always after her breakfast and either his mother or Pam's mother would take her into the living room to put her in her playpen.

As always she would see Ryan grabbing his bag and jacket and begin to cry.

Today she was in Pam's mother's arms and turned bright red, large tears rolling down her face as she screamed and began to wiggle and reach out for him as he headed towards the front door.

"Dada!"

It always broke his heart.

He wanted to be home with her so badly right now.

A few minutes later Ryan had enough. Glancing up and seeing Angela's disapproving looks, and the giggles from Kevin he knew this wasn't what he wanted. Pushing his chair away he stood up, taking a deep breath and walking across the office.

He felt Jim's eyes on him.

Reaching Michael's office he didn't even bother to knock, instead he walked in shutting the door behind him and looked straight at Oscar and Michael who seemed in the middle of talking. Toby was there as well, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed.

They all stopped and looked at him.

Ryan took a deep breath.

"I quit."

Michael's face dropped. Oscar and Toby looked shocked before Michael shifted in his seat.

"What?"

Ryan felt a huge weight lift off his chest before he smiled ear to ear.

"Michael…I quit."

Michael was at a loss of words before Toby stepped forward shaking his head. Oscar got up from his chair and faced him as well.

"Ryan, this isn't a reason to quit…"

Ryan suddenly thought of Pam, of those beautiful gray eyes and he smiled.

"No, this was a long time coming. I can't thank you guys enough…even you Michael for giving me so many chances and helping me out most of all after all my past history. I just think enough is enough. I've been with this company far too long and it's been part of my personal life for more than I wanted. I've made plenty of mistakes and I'm though with it running my life. I have a little girl back home…I don't want to miss watching her grow up."

"Ryan, just because your relationship with Jim came out doesn't mean you have to leave. Trust me, Toby and I have gone over with Michael the law suits you could take on with Dunder Mifflin if anyone treated you any different…"

Ryan shook his head.

"I hardly think I'm the person to say I would sue the company. Besides…these people and this company know more than enough of my business…this was the final straw. It's not anyone's fault…it's just I'm done. I just need to leave."

"Ryan please…"

Michael started but Ryan just smiled.

"No, really I mean it. You guys have been awesome to me even back when I was a jerk. You helped me more than enough and I just think my time here is done."

Toby leaned forward and whispered in Ryan's ear…

"Listen, the company can offer you…"

Ryan knew what was coming next but simply smiled and shook his head.

"It's okay Toby really, I've thought about this for a while and I just want to go home and be with my little girl."

Michael just stared at Ryan before smiling, walking around his desk he patted him on the arm.

"You're a good guy Ryan…"

Michael then brought Ryan in for a hug that lasted for too long. Oscar and Toby simply just stood there feeling as uncomfortable as Ryan himself.

_**A few minutes later… **_

Oscar, Toby, Michael, and Ryan all walked out of the office at the same exact time. Everyone of course fell silent and stared right at them.

Michael smiled before putting his hand on Ryan's arm.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I have an announcement! With a heavy heart I sadly inform you that our Ryan will be leaving us."

Stanley rolled his eyes and mumbled.

"How many times does this make?"

Phyllis looked confused.

"Did you get fired?"

Ryan smiled despite how stupid he felt and saw Jim leaning against the staff kitchen doorway holding a coffee mug. Meeting his eyes he felt safe.

"No, I decided to quit. I decided I've spent enough time at Dunder Mifflin and I want to spend more time with my daughter."

Angela walked forward, her arms crossed.

"Are you sure it's not because we found out you're…one of them?"

Ryan met Jim's eyes again and yet again couldn't help but smile, stepping forward he looked at Angela grinning.

"My one of them do you mean being gay?"

Angela looked disgusted.

Ryan laughed before looking at everyone at the office.

"Well guess what…I am!"

He looked at Jim and smiled.

"I'm gay…and I'm in love with that man right over there."

He pointed to Jim in which some people looked. Ryan kept smiling as he walked over to his desk, grabbing his things.

"Yep, the soap opera of my life has been canceled, but I'm sure you'll find some other source of drama somewhere. I'm sorry to the ones I've offered, and I'll miss the people who treated me like a human after most of the bullshit that's happened. Hope you all have great life's…"

He grabbed his bag and jacket and walked over to Jim before smiling.

"See you later."

Leaning up, Ryan strongly kissed Jim right in front of everyone. Looks of total shock spread across the office while Angela turned away making the sign of the cross. Erin smiled from ear to ear while Michael and Kevin began to giggle.

Breaking the kiss, Ryan looked up into Jim's eyes and smiled before cupping his face and softly saying.

"I love you…"

Jim smiled before Ryan turned and walked out. Seconds after he was gone Creed began to clap.

_**Later that day…**_

Regan giggled.

Ryan sat in jeans and a T-shirt in the living-room playing with the baby. Regan was dressed in a purple jumper and laughed as he slowly turned her upside down on his lap.

His mother was outside in the garden. When he came home and told he what he had done she simply stood up smiling and gave him a hug. Ryan of course joked that he was now going to have to start looking for a new job right away, but his mother simply smiled and touched his cheek.

"Good for you Ryan, you're free."

Free.

Ryan kept thinking about it over and over again.

Holding Regan he kissed her head and looked down at her chubby little face.

"I miss your mommy so bad…but I hope she was looking down today and getting a good laugh out of it."

Regan simply giggled before Ryan heard a knock on the door. Standing up, he held Regan and made it down the hall and answered the door.

Jim stood there smiling.

"Hey…"

Ryan smiled back.

"Hey."

Jim leaned down and kissed him before kissing the top of Regan's head.

They stared at each other and tried not to laugh.

"So…what now?"

Ryan began laughing.

"I honestly don't know."

With that he let Jim inside.


	19. Chapter 19

_**15 years later…**_

"Oh my God!"

Regan squealed sitting Indian style in the living room. Dressed in her field hockey jersey and PJ pants, her beautiful now darkened hair was tied back in a loose ponytail. It was Christmas morning and Ryan found himself sitting back on the sofa enjoying his morning coffee and watching his teenage daughter rip apart the towers of wrapped gifts that surrounded the sparking tree.

Regan held up the box of the newest cell phone she had just gotten and grinned ear to ear. Jim, who sat beside Ryan leaned in close holding his own coffee and smiled before whispering in his ear…

"I knew you would go overboard this year."

Ryan turned towards him and smiled, watching Regan move on to the last of her gifts which were a set of earrings she had been talking about for the last several months, and a few blouses her grandmothers had bought.

"Yeah, but she's my little baby."

Ryan said smiling before pecking Jim on the cheek. Both smiled looking deep into each other's eyes before turning back towards Regan as she began to scream the second she saw the Tiffany's box underneath the wrapping paper.

Sitting in their townhouse in update New York, Ryan found himself all these years later a very happy and settled man. In fact, leaving Dunder Mifflin and coming to terms with how he truly could be happy. It took time to get back on his feet, in fact a few years. Working odd jobs, he took the extra time to find somewhere that he could make good enough money to support himself and Regan, and somewhere that he could get a fresh start. Jim meanwhile quit Dunder Mifflin a year later after getting a job offer upstate at a computer company. That's when Jim asked him one afternoon if he wanted to go with him.

Ryan thought about this and finally said yes.

They all moved together and Ryan said goodbye to Scranton.

A few months later Ryan found himself a small at home job at a crisis hotline for drug abusers. Going back to night school, he juggled Regan and his work hours until finally he became certified to become a fulltime operator at the hotline. Sitting in the office that looked out at the small garden and backyard they now owned, Ryan would talk to so many lost souls though his headset and try to make them truly believe that no matter how hard you think you hit rock bottom…there was always a reason to reach up. For the first time in years, Ryan would go to bed happy feeling he was making a difference.

Their townhouse became their own and Jim and Ryan finally accepted the fact they were truly in love and able to be out in the open with it. One warm spring afternoon Ryan found himself walking with Jim along the sidewalks pushing Regan in her carriage and thinking about Pam.

He remembered her beautiful gray eyes, her fire red hair, and most of all her smile.

He remembered long ago when he was just a young shy temp starting at Dunder Mifflin, and how nervous he felt when he first walked in.

He remembered seeing her before her desk and how she looked up and smiled at him.

He knew he would always love Pam, and regret what had happened. She wasn't just a co-worker, or the mother of his daughter…she was truly his first real love.

Now he had Jim, and nearly every night as they fell asleep in each other's arms he had to think back on everything and laugh. Life had a crazy way of dealing with things. He was alive and would always keep his promise to Pam.

He would take care of their daughter the best he could, until the day he died.

Regan grew up fast, too fast for Ryan's likening. She was an active toddler and made the terrible twos and threes her own. Ryan loved spending every waking second with her and couldn't help but enjoy seeing how much Jim loved her and treated her as if she was his own.

Ryan and Jim tried their hardest to give Regan to childhood she deserved. On Regan's first say of preschool she latched onto Ryan's leg and began crying her eyes out.

"Daddy I don't wanna go!"

Ryan's heart broke, ever since she was born it had just been the two of them. Looking at Jim who stood in a gray sweater and slacks before him, he watched as Jim knelt down and gently touched Regan's hair which was done up in pigtails.

"Hey sweet pea, don't worry…we'll be right here the second school ends. Trust me you're going to have so much fun today making new friends."

Regan sniffled and continued to hold Ryan's leg. Her big blue eyes blinked, making her tears slowly disappear.

"You mean it?"

Jim smiled ruffling her hair.

"Of course I do sweet pea."

With that Regan smiled, giggling slightly before looking up at Ryan. A little while later Jim and Ryan stood together and watched as Regan lined up with her other little friends and waved as she disappeared into the brick school house. The second she was gone Ryan felt as if somebody had punched him in the heart. Sighing, he stood there before Jim rubbed his arm.

"She'll done fine, come on let's get some coffee."

Ryan wiped his eyes quickly and laughed over how stupid he was acting.

"You're amazing with her, you know that."

Jim grinned as they walked together to the car.

"Yeah well, she's our little sweet pea."

Ryan smiled looking at him before squeezing his hand.

"Say, what would you think about adopting her."

Jim froze before Ryan's big blue eyes met his. After a second the autumn breeze blew past them and Jim laughed before bringing Ryan in close.

"There's nothing I would love more."

So they finally became a family.

Ryan held onto the happy memories they had built together. He missed Regan being a baby but enjoyed every passing year since they brought something new. He went to every single school play, took her to the park on the weekends, found himself with Jim sitting in the living room playing dolls and tea party.

He watched as his little girl knew tall, her skin a pale snow color and her eyes looking exactly like his. One visit during the holidays Pam's mother remarked how much she was beginning to look like him. Ryan just smiled before shaking his head.

"No, she's all her mother."

Time went on, and all Ryan could say was that he was with someone who he truly loved…and he was doing his best by his little girl.

Now here they were, all these years later on Christmas morning and watching Regan, now a beautiful well adjusted happy go lucky teenager unwrap her gifts.

Ryan knew in a few years college would come and it scared him to death. Besides Jim, she was all he had. Often late at night when he couldn't sleep he would walk down the hallway and silently open her bedroom door and just watch her sleep.

She was perfect, and honestly the one thing he knew for sure he did right in.

Jim and him were saving up to buy her a car this summer. Jim had wanted to surprise for this morning with it parked in the driveway since they were almost celebrating her birthday but Ryan told him to wait. He didn't want his little girl to be growing up too soon.

Sitting together on the sofa, Ryan smiled before Jim kissed him on the cheek. Regan looked up grinning in a pile of wrapping paper.

"Thank-you so much!"

Getting up she kissed them both on the cheeks and hugged them tight. Ryan and Jim glanced at each other and smiled.

_**Later… **_

After breakfast and Regan taking all her new gifts upstairs to her bedroom, Jim and Ryan both dressed and heard her talking to some kid named Nick from her high school on her new cell phone. As Jim buttoned up his shirt he smiled at Ryan and motioned towards the other room.

"I think our sweet pea has a new boyfriend."

Ryan rolled his eyes making Jim laugh before feeling him slip his hands around his waist and giving him a squeeze. Ryan tilted his head back and allowed Jim to gently nuzzle his neck. Looking at their reflection on the dresser mirror he saw gray coming in both of their hair. Smiling, he knew Jim was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

Fate brought them together…or maybe Pam.

Once they were dressed and ready they made the drive down to the cemetery.

It was beginning to snow.

Ryan and Jim stood together dressed in their coats watching Regan walk over to the grave carrying the roses they had bought the day before. Regan was dressed in her baby blue winter coat and earmuffs.

She knelt at the headstone and laid the flowers down.

"Merry Christmas mom."

Ryan felt his heart skip as Regan leaned over and gently kissed the headstone before brushing away some of the fallen snow.

Jim held his hand tighter and Ryan turned towards him.

"I love you."

Jim lipped.

Ryan smiled letting the falling snow catch in his hair. Looking back at his daughter, he watched as she stood back up and walked towards them.

Her hands stuffed in her pockets she smiled at them.

"Ready?"

Ryan looked at his beautiful daughter and opened his free hand and took hers. The three of them stood together for a moment in the snow before Ryan nodded and lead them back to the car.

Before getting in, Ryan paused for a second and looked back at the cemetery and at the gray overcast sky as snow fell.

"I love you Pam Beesly…I always will."

With that Ryan got into the car with his family.

**The End.**

**Thanks so much for the reviews! You guys are amazing! Please tell me what you thought! Thanks again!**


	20. Prologue

_**Two years later…**_

_**July**_

Regan sat up in the attic of the townhouse in shorts and a tank top sorting through boxes for the yard sale her dad and Jim were holding this weekend. Her hair drawn back in a ponytail she looked through all the dusty junk and wiped her forehead from the dreadful head that was rising in the musty dust covered room. Light poured through the windows as she walked over to an old rocking chair and opened up an old box which said…

_**Scranton**_

Regan knew that this was the town where her father had met her mother. The details of exactly how they got together were still kinda foggy. Her father and Jim had always been very open with her and never tried to lie or hold back with her. She knew that her father, her mother, and Jim had all worked together in the same office building, in fact a man named Michael Scott always send her a card on her birthday ever since she could remember in which he would always refer to himself as 'Uncle Michael'. Her father and Jim explained that Michael Scott had been their boss back in Scranton.

She knew that Jim and her mother had been married, and that at least from what Jim said they seemed to be heading towards divorce even though they loved each other very much. When Regan asked her father if this was true just a few years ago her father simply sighed and said he believed that Jim and her mother loved each other very much but they just seemed to be going their own different ways around the time she was born. Her father explained that he 'dated' her mother very briefly before she got pregnant with her. At age eighteen Regan knew very well that 'dated' meant they were sleeping together or had slept together while she was still married to Jim which ended the marriage. Ryan told her that her mother really wanted to make her marriage work with Jim but she died suddenly and of course the baby came. Her father always reminded her that it was just an accident, that there was nothing that could have been done and that it was honestly unbelievable that Regan herself survived. This had always bothered Regan, never knowing exactly what happened and if she was the real reason Jim and her mother split up and if she was the cause of her own mother's death. Of course she kept these things bottled up inside of her and wouldn't ever dare tell anyone.

Her father told her that the first year was hard after losing her mother, but he had plenty of help with her grandmothers and that if honestly believed if it wasn't for her being born he wouldn't have ever gotten his life straight. Jim and him told her that after a year or so Jim finally came around and decided to lay the past to rest, this was when he began seeing her and her father nearly every day and they fell in love. Jim always told her he never regretted what happened, that he would always love her mother and that for a brief period of time he hated her father for what happened…but the second he saw her with him, something inside him changed.

Regan then had to ask both of them once if they both knew they were gay all along?

Both chuckled and admitted and might have known, but they had both loved the same woman and just saw how right they were for each other. This always made Regan happy, she looked at both of them as their two dads and was happy they had each other and were head over heels in love. She was crazy about them and would pray every night before going to sleep that nothing would ever happen to them.

They were her family.

Still, she was very curious about her mother.

Her grandmother on that side of the family was the only one she was still in contact both. Every Christmas she would get a call from her aunt but they seemed like such strangers she always couldn't wait to end the phone call. Her grandmother instead was loving and kind and always answered any questions she wanted to know about her mother.

That's where she got all the photographs of her and would always be told how much she looked like her. Regan loved hearing this since growing up always in the bottom of her heart she always felt a small pang of jealously for her other friends who still had their mother.

Now here she was, a freshmen in college and visiting for the summer. She was having the time of her life in Boston and still couldn't decide on a major. Her boyfriend Nick told her just a few weeks before hand before classes let out not to sweat the small stuff and to just enjoy herself this summer with her family. Coming back, she was greeted by her father and Jim at the airport who squeezed her so tight she couldn't breathe.

It had been a few days since she came back and really was taking Nick's advice and was enjoying herself. Just yesterday she had played basketball in the driveway with her dad and Jim and couldn't stop laughing after making fun of how slow they moved whenever they dribbled, in which Jim laughed pushing back his hair and elbowed her father.

"Remember the basketball game at Dunder Mifflin?"

Her father rolled his eyes.

"How could I forget."

Both laughed and went on playing leaving Regan puzzled.

Now here she was, sitting in the attic and opening a box with her father's hand writing.

Opening the box, she sorted through old dusty papers before coming to coming. Pausing, she smiled before holding the photograph up to the light.

It was a photo, now color faded and worn.

It was of three people, one an older man in a suit.

The other two were her parents.

She had seen plenty of photos of her mother before, in fact she had one in her bedroom right now stairs.

But somehow this one was different, it was of both her parents.

Her father looked so young and different.

He was blond, bleach blond in fact, wearing an untucked button up shirt and slacks. Standing next to him was her mother.

She was beautiful…

The three of them were standing together and smiling.

Regan touched the photo lightly and wondered how exactly these two really did get together. Smiling, she stood up and decided to go downstairs…

_**Downstairs… **_

"Hey dad?"

Regan walked into the much cooler kitchen, the A.C in the living room was on full blast and Jim was outside in the shed trying to round up more boxes for the weekend.

Her father stood in the kitchen pouring himself a glass of iced tea.

"Yeah honey?"

Regan held out the photograph.

"I found this up in the attic, is it of you and mom?"

Her father looked confused for a second raising an eyebrow before taking the photo. Regan leaned against the counter waiting for his reaction and saw him stare at it for a very long time. For a brief second she wondered if she had done the right thing in showing him.

A moment later he looked up and smiled.

"Yeah, wow this was taken before you were born…back in Scranton."

Regan smiled.

"You look really young in it."

Her father smiled, still in awe over the photo.

"Yeah nice hair huh?"

Regan lightly laughed before her father smiled and looked up, almost snapping out of it.

"You want some iced tea?"

Before Regan could answer her cell phone went on. Smiling she answered it.

"Hello? Oh hi Nick…"

She left the room still talking, Ryan watched and smiled. Looking back down at the photograph he lightly touched it, his fingertips going over Pam's face.

Smiling, he tucked the photo in his pocket and turned around finishing his iced tea. Looking through the kitchen window he watched Jim walk across the lawn and smiled.

For a second, he thought he smelled something wonderful, the light scent of roses.

A breeze went through the window and Ryan thought he faintly heard under it say in a breathless voice…

"I love you…"

Ryan smiled watching Jim before softly saying out loud.

"I love you too Pam Beesly…I love you too."


End file.
